I am starting this blog off with a disclaimer. I know, even before I start writing this, that people who read this site probably think I am a man hating, ball-snatching, hell beast. I’m not. I can try to defend myself by saying I’m not a man hater and I have many male friends but I feel like that person who says they really are not a racist and they have friends who are minorities. Everyone in the room rolls their eyes and discounts everything else that comes out of that person’s mouth as racist drivel. Truth is, I am not a sexist man hater. I really love good men. I have the privilege of knowing many good men. It is the bad ones that we all hate. This is a tongue-in-cheek look at something that I am noticing lately.
The Human Male and His Ego
Everyone knows the female of our human species is the emotional, weak, and irrational gender. Men are always the calm, well-reasoned, logical, and strong gender. It is the male ego that causes their problems.
I have always been aware of the male ego. I have had many males friends all throughout my life. I am now only beginning to see the all-important the ego is to a normal man.
I cannot pretend that I am some expert on the minds of men. I have only anecdotal evidence from friends and observations. I have also learned that I clearly have no understanding of the male brain when I am in a relationship with them. With that said, the male ego seems to be a fascinating driving force.
It is a delicate thing, the ego of a male. It is also a defining thing for a man.
To Know His Ego
I postulate that if you know the basics of a man’s ego, you know him. I believe it is a complicated, multifaceted thing that shifts and morphs as his life changes. Knowing what drives it at any point in time helps you understand what drives the man.
What drives a man’s ego?
Most people (especially women) would snort and say sex first and foremost. I believe this is true to a certain extent. Sexual reproduction is a necessary drive for the survival of the species. If humans were not sexual we would not have survived those many hard times in the history of the species. Men seem to be even further hard wired than women for it. I don’t know how much but I suspect it is a pretty big driving factor especially in young males. Sex as a driving force is still complicated. Some guys get ego boosts from sheer numbers of partners or the physical attractiveness of their partners. Some men get the bigger ego boost from being good in bed. I am sure there are a billion other sexual factors that are beyond comprehension to even the men that have them.
Another ego aspect is the drive for achievement. I think everyone has this, not just men, but some males take it to a special extreme. I also believe this drives the competitive nature and the desire to dominate or be better than others that some men with very obvious egos have. By achievement I do not mean purely winning, I think it is far more complicated than that. It can mean acquiring cars, women, positions of power, status symbols, or the desire to “be a good man.” The men I love and admire most consider caring for their loved ones as their most important achievements. The better their families are cared for, the better they feel about themselves. When they feel like they are failing at that then all hell breaks loose.
There is so much that can shape a way a man feels about himself I could write a small book and not cover them wrong and probably be wrong quite a bit. My point is that understanding what a man values in his self-images can help understand his behavior.
When Egos Attack
Here lies the rub. Sometimes when the male ego gets unbalanced, bruised, threatened, damaged, or major changes shit goes to hell. Women understand taking hits to the ego but not in the same way men do.
Women by nature can be nasty, evil piranhas socially. We are built to be loving and caring but we also enforce our groups social mores. We do this in some subtle and underhanded ways. We like shunning. We like back-biting. Some of the very worst female behavior is based on our drive to force the other women in our packs to behave the way we deem best for our survival. I think this leads to us having a less individual ego and more of a social one. (I know someone has phrased that better but I think other women would know what I mean.) We have strong individual personalities but our sense of self is more fluid and less delicate.
Men seemed to be judged on more individual criteria. I think they are expected to adhere to the social mores of their group but that is not as much the focus as individual accomplishments. Their individual “manliness” is constantly being judged.
Women are judged on our femininity but we had a sexual revolution. We can define our “womanliness” in so many ways. We are no longer trapped being judged purely on our looks or domestic ability. Men are screwed in this department.
We live in a completely different society than the one that most masculine ideals were defined in. Men no longer have to hunt, build, or protect their women and young from bears. I imagine this makes things complicated. There seems to be fairly well defined ideas of what it is to be male but the ways of conforming to that seem confusing as hell. I have no solutions, only sympathy.
Anyway, so the male ego gets severely threatened and all hell breaks loose. I know from personal experience that a lot of the abuse that males perpetrate on the people around them comes from insecurity and diseased egos. It is human nature to sometimes want to tear people down when you are low yourself. Its a power thing. It is a dickhead thing. Don’t do it.
Midlife crisis is ego. Some cheating is ego. The man starts to feel bad about himself so he seeks other women to build it up or the idea of having multiple relationships makes them more manly. This is dumb. Get a hobby, or, better yet, try to build your ego on how well you take care of your loved ones.
Men, women want to love you. We find you fascinating, sexy, funny, or a billion other things. We just get annoyed by having to pander to your ego. Women, we love our men and they have their egos. Be aware of their ego and treat it with respect when you can. Your man can’t help it, he is just built that way.