Monthly Archives: June 2011

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Lessons in Awesome

As anyone who has read more than a few of my blogs knows, I have a slightly different take on the world. If you don’t know what I am talking about go read my post on kids shows. I forget this on occasion until days like yesterday remind me.

I am playing a new game called Rift. It is a pretty cool game, I just don’t have the friends in the game that I did in World of Warcraft, so I spend most of my time in game playing by myself and not talking to anyone. In the game you run around talking to these computer run characters and they give you little missions or quests. This questing is part of the way you get to the maximum level so you can start doing torturous things like gearing up and raiding.

Yesterday I was all hopped up on caffeine after not having any on Sunday and questing like a mad woman. I was questing in a place called Iron Pine Peak which is this pretty mountainous area with snow and plenty of bad creatures wanting to eat your face. I began to think about how the conversation between myself and the computer run characters (Non-Playable Characters, or NPCs) would really be if I was somehow a hot little humanoid with purple hair and cool tattoos that could use my hand like a flame thrower. This is how it went:

NPC: So I need you to get on that road right there and turn left. Be careful because there are wolfman beasts that want to kill you on the side of the road. Anyway, just a little up the road is a place that has caves/secret creepy laboratories on both sides. You will know you are there because the wolfman beasts are directly on the road. Anyway, I want you to go into the left creepy cave/secret laboratory and break some of their shit and kill this one guy. Then I need you to go to the right cave/secret laboratory and  steal some stuff, let some folks out of cages that apparently do not have locks but the prisoners just do not know to reach through the bars and free themselves. While you are there I also need you to kill this one chick. Oh, one more thing, the caves are full of the wolfman beasts and crazed angry people in far too little clothing and stupid hats. Can you do that for me?

Me: What do I get for doing all of this?

NPC: A tiny bit of money, some experience, and a piece of crap that you do not need and will take up space in those bags you are somehow carrying but that dude over there might buy it off of you because he like to buy useless stuff.

Me: Sweet action! Count me in!

(Later at a different groups of NPCs in front of a different set of creepy caves filled with crazed people wearing far too little clothing and stupid hats but no wolfman beasts.)

NPC: Hey, I need you to go to that cave, spend ten minutes killing everything in it, and grab this thing off the ground, and bring it back to me.

Me: Will do!

(Twenty minutes later after killing everything in that cave and two more exactly like it, the first NPC has another quest for me.)

NPC: You know that cave I sent you to and made you kill everything so you can pick up that thing for me? Well I need another thing from the back of that cave. Can you get it for me? Oh yeah, everything you killed before is alive again so you are going to have to kill everything all over again.

Me: You are such an ass.

Yep, this is the stuff I sometimes think about while left to my own devices. I shared this with my guild (a merry band of fellow online gamers) and I think I scared them a bit.

Okay, so I ran out of coffee on Sunday. I was also almost out of Splenda so I could not make tea unless I used sugar. Sunday I refused to do that so I went the day without caffeine. Yesterday I gave in and made some tea. I got pretty hyped up on the caffeine and sugar. Anyway, I needed a wal-mart run but it is only slightly cooler than the surface of the sun outside during the day so I decided to wait until last night. I got there at about 10:30 pm and had one of the most pleasant wal-mart experiences in awhile.

I was looking at the coffee and decided to browse a bit since I was practically alone in the store. I like wimpy flavored coffee and the stuff I normally buy is fairly expensive. I decided to look for a different brand in order to be a bit more fiscally responsible. I found a new brand that was three dollars cheaper for the same size bag. I bought it and was proud of myself for trying to be a better person. This morning when I looked at it I realized it was cheaper because it was whole beans. Since I do not have a coffee grinder, I spent some time this morning grinding a bag of coffee with a hand blender. Some of it is a fine powder, some of it is almost whole beans. The coffee tastes fine, I just happened to learn a lesson about smug self satisfaction about trying to be more grown up.

I love being me. (That is not actually sarcasm. I do actually love being me.)

 
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Y R U So Srs?

I have been on a serious, well, serious streak as of late. I looked back at my recent blog posts and they are either about being too hot or being frustrated with society in general. Where the hell did my funny go? I am blaming the CNN and the MSN. I think it is important to be aware of what is going on in the world and to seriously think about the state of things, not just accepting what we are told as fact. I believe with all of my heart that it is vital to take responsibility for your place in the world. I can be okay with the fact that I have an increasingly feminist voice to my writing. Dood, seriously though, I need to lighten up every once in awhile.

So this weekend Oklahoma City helping Tina with stuff. Saturday morning we went to Wal-mart to pick up a metric ton of stuff she had ordered. I looked like major crap. I had an old t-shirt on and my hair was back in a hasty bun. One of the guys that was helping Tina with her stuff was flirting with me big time and, damn, it was awesome. I honestly believe my worth has nothing to do with my attractiveness and all that jazz I have been writing. I am not going to lie, though, it was nice to be chatted up by a really good looking guy while I felt I looked like crap. Sometimes I just need reassurance I did lose all of my geeky charm even if I have no plans to use it anytime soon. What can I say, I guess I am human.

MSN has a picture of a woman getting a snake massage and it is really freaking me out. No, I mean it is really.freeaking.me.out.

I bet some women out there pay a lot of money to lay on a table and have someone put snakes on their backs. Rich people are nuts.

A big news item is the new warnings on cigarette packs. This is almost as dumb as snake massages. All smokers know smoking is bad for them, they just choose to do it anyway like people who eat too many carbs and don’t wear sunscreen. People make the life decisions they make no matter facts and logic. Just look at the state of politics. Just saying.

Eeeew snakes crawling all over your back. ON PURPOSE.

I was about to talk about the latest bad behavior from some beautiful Hollywood starlet *Ahem*MeganFox*Ahem* but I realized that I should feel sorry for her. She may be beautiful and rich and possibly not completely stupid (just makes bad life decisions and doesn’t understand when to STFU) but I bet she is hungry. I bet she would be much happier and less of a caustic bitch if someone fed her some bacon or chocolate, maybe both at the same time.

Why do you supposed all of the Jacksons got the same terrible nose job? Did they not see it on their siblings and go “oh that just looks wrong?” Or did they decide that if they all got it they could pass it off as some strange hereditary disease that morphed into something that looks like it belongs on a cheap barbie doll rip off?

One last thing

STFU – shut the fornication up- please be quiet immediately.

 
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Woah There

Yes, yes, I know it has been over a week since I have written anything. I started to write something last Saturday and just decided to spend sometime with my best friend and her family instead. I have the post I started saved and I think it could be something really interesting. I decided it just wasn’t something I wanted to write right then. What about the rest of the week, Selina? Well, two things were going on last week.

I went on a job interview on the seventh and I was excited. Last week started the waiting game. I am terrible at the waiting game. It makes me a bit edgy. Some people have implied (or flat out said) that I am a bit of a bulldozer when it comes to getting things I care about done. I do not like waiting. I found out Wednesday the officer in charge of hiring for the position was calling all of my references. After hearing what he asked two of my references, I realized that he knows more about me than most of my boyfriends with no context in which to put it. I shouldn’t admit it but I am a bit amused by the idea of what the man must think of me.

The second thing that happened last week was that it was slightly less hot than the surface of the sun in my house. I generally prefer the heat to the cold. I will take 90 over 40 any day but 104 is just freaking ridiculous. Seriously, triple digit heat is just crazy talk. It should stop. Factor in that neither my computer room or my bedroom have air conditioning and I am cranky as hell. I love writing and I love my blog but it was hot and I had no desire to roast to write some whiny bitchy blogs.

Then this past Saturday I was at Tina’s again. I normally do write when I am at Tina’s. I bring my laptop and normally write something about what is going on.  They may not be my best blogs but I do generally have something to show. Saturday Tina made me work from the moment I woke up at 7:30 am until I went to bed at 2 am. Wait… No, that was her, except she woke up at 7 am. Tina worked me from the second I had had three cups of coffee and food at about 8:23 am until I totally wussed out at about 9pm. I had nothing to write except I was tired, her livingroom looked super badass, and I hate having to try and figure out how to put drawer tracks on furniture from a box.

Now, today, it is not any cooler, I am still waiting, and it is Monday. Why am I writing a blog? I don’t know really. I think I was anxious and it is too flipping hot to do anything else productive like clean or exercise. Besides one extra blog after skipping four won’t hurt anything. I think I also figured I would get my complaining out today so tomorrow I can write something witty and insightful that will change the world, well, if it isn’t too hot.

 
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Humble

I spent over a year with someone I loved very much constantly insinuating that I was dumb. He very rarely straight out called me stupid but he would make little comments about things I did or would tell me things like “when we got together you were always so full of intelligent conversation and witty observations, what happened?” (I should have pointed out to him that he made it very clear that he had no desire to talk about things that did not directly relate to him or the the game and that he also made it very clear that I was pretty dumb about the game.) Honestly, he was not the first man to treat me like that and I was never very confident about my intelligence in the first place.

I am finding myself trying to rebuild my self image and part of that is trying to make myself believe I am smart and trying to relearn to interact with the world as Selina McSmartypants. My writing is helping immensely. The problem is that I was raised in this strange culture that it is uncouth for women to take too much pride in their intelligence. We are supposed to be humble about it and pretend that either we have no clue that we are as smart as we are or hide it. It is almost a sin for me to hint that I am smart or, even worse, that I might be smarter than other people and therefore don’t fit in with everyone around me. I live in a part of the world where few people read and the majority of people have different social values than I do. I don’t think I am better than most of these people. I actual admire people who work hard and build things from nothing. I think taking care of your family is one of the most noble things you can do. I am just a wuss and I know it. I do not believe not having a college degree means you are unintelligent. I just think I am different. I’m a geek.

Right now I need to tell myself I am smart. I am not telling myself that to lord myself above other people, I am just trying understand myself and figure out who I am again. For some reason, I am not allowed to do this simple thing. It distresses me. I can think of myself as tall and no one gets offended or feels the need to slap me down or I can like my fake red hair and it is okay. What is so damn upsetting about me taking pride in my brains?

I get the strong feeling this is a feminist issue many women face. I know I am not the only one that has been made to feel that being anything but humble to the point of lacking self worth is unfeminine and opens us up to ridicule. Women can talk about how good their kids are or how well they cook and it is perfectly acceptable. We can take pride in our homemaking skills and sometimes even our business skills and it is okay. Why is it when we say things like I am smart that it is okay to smacking us down? This is not just evil men either, the two people who make me feel bad for making comments about my intelligence have been women. Why do we do this to each other?

If we are made to believe that it is not okay to take pride in our intelligence then we slowly begin to believe that either we are dumb or that being smart is something shameful. If a man knows he is intelligent, it is completely kosher for him to take pride in it and to speak with authority. I feel like I should talk with downcast eyes and my face hidden when I know a lot about something. If I try to participate in a conversation other men are having around me, I have to offer my input almost apologetically. Why do I have to fear appearing arrogant about my brains so desperately? Men are arrogant about their mental prowess. Other women are arrogant about things other than intelligence. (Don’t believe me? Go look at the comments on mommy websites. Mommies are arrogant AND cutthroat with each other.)

I do not really know where I am going with this. I am just hurt and frustrated with it. It feels like a double wounding to be squished so low by one person then being made to feel guilty about building myself back up by another.  I feel a big serving of “go screw yourself” coming for the next person who does it. I would rather be arrogant than squished.

 

 
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Cantankerous

Maybe it is because it is so hot outside and neither my bedroom nor computer room have air conditioning. It might be because I am sleepy or because my computer chair is uncomfortable. It could be many things or just that I am getting old. I am noticing that I am getting more easily frustrated with media, society, and popular culture.

I am slowly turning into one of those cranky guys who sit outside and yell about those damned kids. I am becoming cantankerous at 29.

Yesterday I was forced to watched some network daytime talk television. Shows like “The Doctors” and some show with Sharon Osborn and a few other female hosts not the trash talk shows like “Maury Povich.” I grumbled about how mind numbing they were until “The Doctors” came on. This is a show of a panel of, you guessed it, doctors talking about various issues.  The doctors all look like they came off a shelf for Barbie and Ken’s friends. They did a “study” with twins testing to see if they were “dumber” after watching six hours of reality television. The methodology was total crap. They proved nothing and I swear some dumbass will use it as the holy truth like they did Oprah. Anyway, after the results the panelists and their guest, Lisa Bloom (yes the woman from my last blog), were talking to the twins. Ms. Bloom asked the girls if they could name all eleventy Kardashians and, of course, they could. Ms. Bloom then told them that the U.S is fighting in three different countries and asked them to name those three countries. The twins looked at each other in confusion and finally came up with Iraq. My brain almost exploded. When I saw the next segment was about how to wear high heels with less pain, I decided to read my book and not look up for any reason whatsoever to prevent me hopping up in the waiting room and yelling at the screen.

This morning I was listening to CNN while I was getting ready for my job interview because I like to know stuff. CNN is good at telling you stuff. This morning it was all about that schmuck Weiner and his sexting scandal. I understand a few minutes every hour about the married moron who sent dirty pictures of himself around the interwebz. I can even be down with reshowing the clip of him calling a CNN producer a jackass a few times. Almost the entire hour I listened to was devoted to talking about this stupidity. He is a dumb ass, we see that. Did he do anything illegal? No. Was it unethical along with the lying afterwards? Yes. Id there more important things going on? Yes, now please tell me about the three nuclear reactors in Japan that have either melted down or are melting down or are close to melting down. Damn you CNN and your silly short blurbs about important news.

I know. I am turning into a grumpy bee. Can you name the three countries we are currently fighting in?

 
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What the Hell is Wrong with You?

One of my Facebook friends linked this article by Lisa Bloom on her page and it really got my blood boiling.

I need to look at the actual survey and methodology and blah blah blah but what Ms. Bloom mentions blew my little mind.

Twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Twenty-three percent would rather lose their ability to read than their figures.

I stole these fact directly from her thus the indent.

Seriously. What the hell is wrong with women and society in general that almost one quarter of our women would rather not be able to read than be fat? What did we do to ourselves?

Let get this out of the way, I know it is dangerous and costly to be overweight. I know it is a serious national health problem and I know I need to fix myself. I got that, okay. Don’t be that douche that points it out. First, we all know that it bad for you to be fat. It is like telling a smoker that smoking is bad for them. Saying something does not inform people, it just makes you seem like a self-righteous, pretentious ass. The women who would rather be illiterate than fat are not concerned about their health, in fact they probably tan, they are being shallow.

I am ashamed for us women. What are we allowing? What are we teaching our daughters? What are we teaching our sons? I think women all over the country should be outraged that so many of us consider our only real asset is our looks. How can anyone be okay with that?

Its okay that you are dumb sweetie as long as you stay hot as long as you can and make sure that when you start to “lose your looks” your husband is willing to pay you good alimony.

Are you freaking kidding me?

When I think of all of the women that have struggled in the generations before us so we could be more then just beings made for our reproductive organs and the ego boost our owners get from having us. This article makes me so sad for those women’s rights crusaders who have to see it.

This is no longer the man keeping us down. This is us. We are allowing ourselves to be judged purely on our looks and we are refusing to stand up for ourselves. We buy into the mindset that a women cannot do well in corporate America unless she looks a certain way. (It is just the way of the world…. BULLSHIT! Stand up and rage against it.) Feminist has become a dirty word. We think it means some crazy woman who hates men and wants to destroy our femininity. I felt the same way. This article changed this for me.

Screw it.

My name is Selina Scott and I am a feminist. I believe I have the right to breed as much or as little as I want. I have the right to be paid as much as an equal male counterpart. I believe that I am not the weaker sex, I believe I just have different strengths than men. I believe that my value is not in my looks but in my brains and my heart. I believe women have a responsibility to their world to make it judge them on their actual value. I believe we have a responsibility to think. I believe we have to stand up in big and small ways and shake our fists at injustices. I believe we should stop shunning and judging and start caring and supporting. I believe we need to love ourselves for ourselves and surround ourselves with people that love us for who we are and not what our jacked up society thinks we should be.

Stand up. Get mad. Tell your daughters, nieces, younger female friends to have self-respect and to demand respect in return.

My name is Selina Scott and I am a feminist. I am fat. I am smart and funny and caring and loyal and hopeful and when I smile the world smiles back at me. I believe my value has nothing to do with my looks. If you cannot get past the outside, then I cannot help you.

 
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Jiggle Jiggle

Yesterday I dropped off an application off at City Hall for a job at the library. Afterwards I went into the library to check out some books and talk to my old boss. She had left to run an errand and when she returned she had my application in her hand.

Before I went to chat her up about how awesome I am in her office i had decided to make myself sound like I was happy. As we got to talking, I realized that I am really happy. I realized I having more good days than bad. Halle-freaking-lujah.

I still have a lot to do. I still have moments of intense sadness. I still get moody as hell at times. Damn, it still feels good to have more good times than bad.

I have a job interview. It is one more step to getting back on track. I am so stoked.

I am writing in my head nearly all the time now. (Of course, when it comes time to blog, it is never something I blog about.)

Okay, I am dashing off now. I know, I know, another lame ass short blog. I made up for Saturday’s blog. I will make up for today’s lame ass short blog.

 
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