Okay I know it is Sunday, not a normal blog day, but I found myself writing a letter to the advice columnist Prudie (Emily Yoffe) because of some advice she gave. I know it will never see the light of day through her column but I am posting it here because I like it. My site. I like it. I post it.
First, your columns are one of my favorite things on the net. I love your frank advice that is actually applicable to real life. I just read an article, that the internet ate and I can’t find again, where you give advice to a man who met a woman online and found out she was overweight. His concern was that he felt he couldn’t be attracted to her and wondered if he should break it off. I like your advice about waiting and just enjoying her company and seeing if something grew from it. I am unclear whether you were advising him to talk to her weight as an issue though. I am hoping you weren’t.
I’m a big girl. We live in a world where it is okay to sneer and judge and be down right cruel to people who aren’t thin. I don’t get this treatment often because I am confident and I actually do love myself. (Also, I’m six foot tall and I am pretty sure people think being a jerk to me might end with them being harmed.) I’m insecure about my body, but so is every single person on this planet. I know that I don’t get as much initial sexual interest because of my size. I am okay with that. I am also okay with acknowledgements from partners that I am fat. I am not okay with criticism about it though.
Here is the truth: she knows she is fat. She knows he knows she is fat. If he makes a comment to her about it right now, it will torpedo her. He should just enjoy her company and try to find things about her that he does find physically attractive and focus on those features. In the name of all that is holy, I hope he wouldn’t say something along lines of “I don’t like that you are fat but I am with you anyway.” If the woman has any self worth she will say to him “I don’t like that you are a complete asshole, I am not going to stay with you.”
The reality is that everyone has things that people have to over look about their partner in order to be happy with them. The idea of the perfect person is crap. If he finds that he cannot get over her weight, then there are other issues. I’m fat. I also have a great butt and rack on top of being smart, funny, loving, kind, loyal, talented, and incredibly humble. I know some people won’t be able to get over their own prejudices to see anything beyond the fat. That is their issue, not mine. This girl deserves a man that will love her fully and try to make her feel incredible. Everyone deserves a partner who loves them and makes them feel desirable. We just need to move away from the idea that desire is purely physical and understand the mental aspects. People also need to understand that all people who are overweight know their size is unhealthy along with their habits. It also needs to be understood that most over eaters eat because of emotional issues. (Everyone is emotionally damaged goods, mine just shows up better than other peoples.) Harsh criticism IS NOT helpful.
Also, pro tip: If you want your mate to lose weight but you don’t want to be an ass, make it a drive to be healthier together. “Hey, Babe, I think we need to eat better and exercise more together. Why don’t we come up with a plan together to do that?” Not “Hey, lard ass, lay off the chips and twinkies and run some.” If you are not willing to change your diet and increase exercise too to make a healthier life for your family than you should not complain about your mate.
With many regards,
Selina aka Beautiful Fat Girl
Okay so, here is the funny. I read the article wrong. I found it to link to Kathleen and reread it. Turns out her advice was golden and I am just insane. This lead to a second letter:
I just wrote you a long letter and I stand by everything I said in theory. It turns out I need to learn to read things more thoroughly before I write impassioned letters. Yep, your advice was sterling, as it is 99.999% of the time. Sorry I made you read that long ass diatribe for nothing.
With many apologizes,
Selina, Still a Beautiful Fat Girl