Jun 20

It Matters

First watch this:

Every single woman I know, myself included, has had something like this happen to them. We are told it is no big deal. We are just being prudes. If we wear a low cut shirt, it is our fault. We get made to feel that it doesn’t matter, but anytime anyone touches you without permission, especially after you tell them to stop, it is a big deal. Anytime someone gives you attention you don’t want, especially after you tell them to stop, it is a big deal. It isn’t our fault.

I’ve had to pull men’s hands out of my shirt innumerable times. I don’t care if I was topless. If I don’t want a man touching my breasts, then they should not. Period. End of story.

Several times I’ve had to remove men’s hands out from under my skirt. I don’t care if I am at a bar, if I don’t want your hand under my skirt, then it doesn’t belong there. Most of the time it took me moving the hand more than once for them to get it..

I have a big jiggly ass. It is not okay to pat it unless I know you and you have permission to touch my body.

I’ve been followed down the street and around the mall by men/boys. One group followed me and my friends around cat calling me and throwing stuff at me. One of my dumbass friends gave the guy my phone number and I got to deal with him calling me and calling me names because I wasn’t  wanting to talk to him.

Being followed by a pack of males, being cat called by a group of males, makes you feel like prey.

It fucks with you.

I’ve always been comfortable around men as friends. I’ve always had a group of male friends, but for most of my adult life, male sexual attention made me extremely uncomfortable.I could feel what they wanted from me. I felt pressured and uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time bolting from it.

I spent a lot of my youth anxious about male sexual attention. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t raped. I just was very sensitive and had these everyday acts of male sexual aggression forced on me. I never felt like I had control. I felt like I was just too prudish and fucked up. It’s just sex. Relax and give them what they want. It’s no big deal.

I never did give in (not because I was a super strong woman or anything, but because of another set of messed up issued). I know a lot of women who did. They felt the intense pressure and did things they weren’t comfortable with. Let’s get something straight right now. There is no such thing as just groping/sex/blowjob/handjob if either participants feel uncomfortable. If either party feels pressured or like the attention is unwanted then IT IS A BIG DEAL.

Let’s repeat that. If you participate in any sex act you are uncomfortable with it is a big deal. It leaks into your psyche and affects your sexual understanding.

Unfortunately, it starts young. Young teenage girls get sexual attention before they have the maturity to deal with it. As a society, we treat it like it’s no big deal. We need to tell our daughters that it IS A BIG DEAL. You can tell the person you don’t want them touching you. You should talk about attention that makes you uncomfortable. If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, they are in the wrong, not you.

We need to have these conversations with our boys, too.

Luckily for me, I have a mate who makes me feel completely and utterly comfortable. When I am with him, I feel loved and empowered. I feel like a rocking sex kitten from outerspace. I never thought I would have that. It’s out there for everyone though.

If you don’t feel comfortable it is okay to say no. Wait until you are comfortable. Wait until it is completely your choice.

For the rest of it, make noise. Tell people when they make you uncomfortable. Get pissed when you get groped. Tell your friends when you get unwanted street harassment. It empowers us to hear the truth from each other. Tell yourself that it matters and it is a big deal.



1 comment

    • Lynsie on June 21, 2013 at 7:29 am
    • Reply

    I had a relative who was groped and propositioned by a man when she was maybe 12 or 13, and we took her to the police station, where she had to sit for a long period and answer uncomfortable questions, only to have nothing be done about it. What an awful feeling. She was also mistreated by a very prominent person (asshole) in Chickasha, only to have his wife say it was no big deal because he was drunk. Anyway, I have a blog post I’ve been stewing over writing, and this one is giving me the push to finally get it together.

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