I haven’t been around. I’ve been taking care of business. I’ve also been trying very hard to keep up my New Year’s goal of giving up guilt. I’m learning to understand I can only do so much and forgive myself the things I don’t do.
It’s a lot fucking harder than you would think.
My life right now is taking care of my parents and the Viking. I hate not writing with every atom in my body. I hate neglecting this blog. I can only do so much. My family needs me right now, and at the end of the day, I normally am too tired to read or play video games, much less try to be creative. I can hate the sacrifices, but I can’t hate myself.
I see the Viking every chance I get. I refuse to give him, us, up. Sometimes I feel the stress of life seeping into our time, too. It frustrates me. I’m trying to breathe deep and accept that it will happen, and he will love me through it.
I began to give up her
I get so wrapped up in trying to do for everyone and everyday bullshit, I lose me. I get tired. I feel frumpy, uninteresting, not good enough. I wonder why the Viking would ever be with me. I begin to feel like I am nothing but the sad woman who splits her time between doctor’s offices and Wal-Mart.
I am not what I am doing.
I am not who I am in relationships with.
I am ME.
Me is a super firecracker of a woman. Me is an intelligent, sharp witted, loving woman even when she spends most of her life in slumptastic clothing and trying not to yell at old people and meth heads in the Super Wal-Mart. I am the woman who takes risks with her heart because pain heals but regret is deadly. I am the woman who can genuinely love someone, even if I only know them for a few minutes, because I know giving love makes you stronger and richer, not weaker and poorer. I am the woman who dares to be vulnerable because being vulnerable is scary and sometimes you get hurt but when you show the world the real you, all of the real you, you know the good people you find will be accept you for all the bits of you.
I’m a fucking badass.
I just forget sometimes and that is okay.
(If you ever need someone to help you see your beauty, seriously, Tina has a gift. She works out of OKC. Give her a look-up. She’s changed my life many times.)