Life is a strange thing.
Directly after my birthday I got involved with a group doing something I believed in with my whole heart. I would like to write about it, but I’m not sure if that would be a good thing for the group or not. I suspect I will be writing a blog soon about that adventure. So, there was all of November.
I got the flu in December, TWICE. I had holiday projects to finish. My Viking had his birthday. We had more medical things with my dad. Basically, I spent December either dying, in a medical facility for my father, or crocheting. I had nothing left.
Some of it was invigorating. I felt like I had purpose again. I felt like I fit again. This group and the people in it filled with my life with love and something I felt was so very meaningful. Some of it was just exhausting. Having the flu twice is cruel and unusual. Trying to balance family and my other new purpose was a struggle at times, especially since balance has never been a strong point. Actually, I fail miserably at it.
I started feeling more and more like a failure and disappointment. I started feeling my paranoia that I had done something wrong, and my new social justice warrior friends no longer liked me or needed me. I started worrying my Viking was losing interest in me. I started missing Tina even more, and I felt even more like I was a terrible friend to her. God, I’m needy. I’m too needy, and no one likes a needy person. I’M A BAD PERSON.
I started to feel like I was useless. My house is a mess. I don’t have a traditional job. I haven’t been writing, and I had blow all chances of this site being a success. I should be making more soap. I should be doing more. I should just be more in general. Why am I such a lazy, waste of a human being. I’M A BAD PERSON
Depression is a fuck face, but if I realize it’s depression, I can cope. I can work my way through it. I know when I’m like this, I look at life through depression goggles. (They are like beer goggles because they make the world look different and increase your chance of making a dumb mistake, but depression goggles are far less likely to get you laid.) My friends still probably like me well enough. My Viking still loves me.
I don’t know that I will ever feel like I’m enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’m not wasted potential or a failure in some way or another. It might be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I have no answers for it. I might need to learn to accept it and move on. No one ever feels like they are enough in at least one element in their life. Maybe I can’t fix that. I can probably learn to accept it though.
So, right now while I have this depression with me, I’m just going to have to tell myself everyone knows I’m a mess within in minutes of knowing me. Everyone knows I’m crazy. Everyone knows I get needy. They choose to stay. They choose to stay because I’m loving, funny, weird, and I’m wonderful in ways I don’t think I know. Also, I think they love me because I post pictures of my messy ass house.
OOOO I found the coolest duct tape! I love cool duct tape!