Jul 19

I’m not even going to pretend any of this makes sense

My mind is all jumbly, and this blog will probably be just as jumbly.

Friday, I had my first social outing since my dad died. I mean, we put together a fairly large 4th of July thing at our house, which turned out wonderfully, by the way. I passed my first big hostess test, or as we called them, woman olympics. I hadn’t done anything with friends, though. It felt good.I even held a huge snake.

I look like hell, but still, I'm holding a huge snake

I look like hell, but still, I’m holding a huge snake

It couldn’t have been more different from the weekend before.

I was alone Friday and Saturday, and I was so depressed I could barely move. I missed my dad, and I felt desperately alone. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my sadness. Tina had her own grief she was dealing with, and I was afraid if I called Mom, I would only depress her further. So, Saturday when I woke up feeling like I was made of loneliness, panic, and sadness, I forced myself to focus on the show I was binge watching and tried not to think and feel. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt like it was a little dangerous for me to be alone.

Later, I talked to Tina and Mom and realized I was being stupid for not reaching out. Grief shared is made lighter for everyone, not heavier. I’m just not good at asking for help. I survived it. I learned a new way not to be stupid.

I meant for this to be a longer blog, but PMS is a bitch. I have a migraine and need chicken wings.

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