It’s been awhile. Life has been both oddly full and empty at the same time. I had a birthday, took a trip, got sick, and put on Thanksgiving dinner. There might have been a shit ton of Netflix in there somewhere.
I’m just going to start writing and see what all comes out.
In October, I went to my shrink’s appointment, and through talking to her I realized I was super depressed. I know some people would think it should be obvious if you are depressed or not, but it isn’t always especially when you have real, logical reasons to be sad. Grief and depression are sometimes hard to tell apart. I was crying every day. I had no motivation to do anything. My house got steadily more disgusting. I didn’t cook. I had no desire to play video games or make things. I didn’t even really want to read. I never don’t want to read. I wondered if I would hurt like that forever. I was also having frequent and intense panic attacks. Thankfully, my shrink picked up on it and double one of my medications. The veil is starting to lift. (My kitchen is still gross, though.)
I was afraid for Thanksgiving. My mom and my sister’s family all went to visit our family in Louisiana, and my only family with me was going to be my Viking and my fur babies. I knew it was going to be rough because it was my first since losing Dad. I was so happy for Mom going to enjoy her family, and I knew it was so good for her, but a selfish part of me wished for them to be here. Anyway, I had to decide between trying to pretend Thanksgiving wasn’t happening or cooking a big meal, celebrating it in our own way, and accepting it’s going to hurt. I chose the second option. The Viking’s parents came over and we had a great time. I lit a blue candle for my dad as a silly remembrance and enjoyed my new family.
I have the worst sinus infection right now. I felt it coming on as we were pulling out of the parking lot of the hotel we stayed in Eureka Springs in the beginning of the month. First of all, Eureka Springs is amazing. I want to go there often. Anyway, I knew it was coming on but kept quiet. I was busy, and I had the stupid idea it might go away if I ignored it. By this last weekend, it was so bad I couldn’t sleep because of all the pain. It’s a sharp and maddening pain. Finally, Monday night I ask the Viking to take me to the doctor.
I know logically I should have went much sooner. I know I wouldn’t be in pain if I had, and it would be easier to get over if I’d have went before the infection was able to take such a hold of my head. I know the Viking wouldn’t mind taking be to the doctor and getting me medication. I know this.
I also know most of my life I’ve felt unworthy. I’ve felt like I can only ask those I love for so much before I become too much hassle. I’m terrified of this invisible line I’ll one day reach where I’ve asked for too much emotional energy, cost too much, or been too much trouble, and the people in my life will walk away. I KNOW it is stupid, but it is engraved in my heart, and all I can do is yell it down as a liar. So, it is a big deal for me to ask and to receive help from any but a select group of people. I was also raised by two people who grew up poor and to whom going to the doctor would often end in them getting punished. Damage like that can jump generations no matter how hard you try.
Last night, the Viking came home after a long day of work and took me to a convenient care clinic. He waited for me in the waiting room, bought me dinner, then picked up my prescriptions. We even stopped in for frozen yogurt. He could have given me money to go by myself and stayed home to rest after work. He chose to go because he knows it makes me feel loved and cared for. It was more important to him than watching Youtube videos. This is why I’m keeping him forever.
One last thing:
My parent’s girl dog moved in with us the second week of November. She’s a bit of an old girl, but I love her very much.
I now have the most amazing princess wars going on between my dog, my rabbit, and my boyfriend. The dog and the rabbit are finally starting to be okay with each other, even with the rocky start because my rabbit bullied my dog. The Viking and Shorty, though, continue to have little battles. One day, I was going to the bathroom, Shorty, of course, had insisted to be in there with me until the Viking made a noise in the other room. She preceded to run out to bark at him. A few seconds later, she came running back in and went behind my feet. The Viking was close behind her and chased her around my feet so he could pet her and pick her up. Then they both rushed out of the bathroom, leaving the door open. I sat quietly for a second thinking about what just happened to me, then I started to laugh hysterically. What can you do?