I Might be on to Something
Three months ago, in order to support my Viking on his diet I started making food changes myself. Every single time I’ve done this in the past of done something involving constant monitoring of what I ate and how much I was exercising which always spun into my life being controlled by this spiraling obsession with food and self-loathing brought on by failure.
I have an eating disorder. Calories in versus calories out will always be true, but nothing will ever stick until I change my relationship with food. I will always fail if I have so much emotion wrapped up in the food I eat that “falling off the wagon” could make me feel like a worthless failure. This does not set anyone for success at weight less, or more importantly, life and happiness.
This time I decided to learn to separate food from emotions as much as possible. I stopped putting value on food. It was no longer this strange idea of eating a ‘good food’ somehow increased my worth, and eating a ‘bad food’ chipped away at my value and bred shame. Food is food. It is a collection of ingredients which smell, feel, and taste a certain way. I am neither bad nor good for eating the food. Some food is more nutritious than other food. Some food fuels our bodies better. Some food isn’t necessarily kind to our bodies, but damn it tastes good.
Instead, I focused on how the food made my body feel. Drinking water makes me feel better, so I’ve started drinking more water. Generally, unhealthy food made me feel bad, so I eat far less of it. I feel better when I eat more plant based foods, so I eat more plants. I don’t drive myself nuts about if this celebrity doctor says this plant is a super fruit or if this vegetable is bad for you. I’m eating plants Good enough. I still thing Kale is a joke skinny people are playing on fat people.
I still eat my carbs. I love carbs. If I deny myself carbs, the self loathing comes out. Losing weight is not worth hating myself. I eat when I’m hungry. I pay attention to what I eat. I don’t eat food that makes my body feel gross. I’me learning to separate food from my self worth.
And I found out today I’ve lost almost 30 pounds.
I must be doing something right.