Taboo

There are things we are not really allowed to write about as women. Most of them are profound and really need to be examined with beauty and delicacy.  Lives could be changed by lovingly exploring these taboo and sensitive subjects. Then there are the other subjects we don’t talk about for societal niceties like bodily functions. There is nothing profound or delicate about PMS. There are reasons never to discuss the issue like good taste and tact. One thing I have proven is that I have neither good taste nor tact.

I have been trying all day to come up with something else to write about since the world freaks out about the very idea of a menstrual cycle, which, by the way, pisses me off. Seriously, men need to grow up about it. I know they want to believe that our lady bits are there purely for their pleasure and that mentioning anything to the contrary might shatter that for them. Some how we fear that they will grow so repulsed by the idea that their soft, warm refuge has a purpose other than for them to put it in and they will never want to have sex with it again.

WTF? Seriously, dudes grow up. Many of them want to try anal and, a lot worse happens in that magical cave.

My uterus is trying to claw its way through my abdomen, and I need to worry about how men think of vaginas? And we are called the weaker sex? Men would be far better served if their mommas pulled them aside and said, “Honey, one day you will probably find some magical lady that you want to spend the rest of your life with and, if you are lucky, she will do many sexual things that are illegal in southern states. One week a month she will get her period and be possessed by demons because she is in a lot of pain and her hormones are whacked out. If you want to keep doing those kinky things with her the other three weeks a month, you will learn to give her chocolate and be as sweet as possible to her. Think of it as a sex tax and your dues for her having to put up with your shit. Man up and deal, wuss.”

What? You want me to wax it too? Screw that.

Women, we need to talk.

You do realize that men will have sex with you even if you have an afro bush? That pain and bullshit we put ourselves through to make our girl parts  “more attractive” is total bullshit. We hold the winning card here, we just need to stop being dipshits about it. Seriously.

Besides, why are we worried about our sexual organs being attractive? Have you seen a ball sack? There is no amount of shaving, waxing, or finger painting that will make a scrotum look less, well, like a wrinkly nut sack.

So this is what we need to do. We need to band together and tell them men folk that we will continue to be the lady on the streets, freak in the bed that they want. We will do all those little things that make them so happy. We are just done putting wax strips or razors on our genitalia. We might trim, but if we do, it is because we want to not because we believe their penis needs a topiary.

Also, on “our time of the month” don’t bitch about not getting sex. Don’t tell us how big of a bitch we are, or how our looks change. Understand that if you do anything but be wary of us and feed us chocolate, the rest of the month will be less pleasant for you. We might even start a website of douchebaggery where we put up your photo and other women in your area can be warned that you are a whiny ass baby. Your balls will be blackballed.

*Head explodes* I am going to go find some chocolate.