In my mind, I was going to write this epic year in review post that was moving and insightful and summed up every awesome thing I have ever written. Turns out I did that already with my 100th Blog post.
Oh yeah, Kathleen linked this to me and, since this is my damn blog, I am embedding it here even though it has nothing to do with anything.
So I wrote out two paragraphs linking things. I hated those paragraphs. I am struggling with the idea of this blog but I think it is because I am working too hard to present a certain thing. I am not so good at that.
I feel like I have said everything I would say here many times before. The only thing I am going to say again is “Thank You”
My world lately has been so wrapped up in writing. When it comes time to blog, all I want to write about is writing, the things I want to write about, or Star Wars The Old Republic. I worry a lot about being interesting or funny or insightful. Mostly, I think I should stop worrying about that.
I forget sometimes that so much of my happiness comes from accepting myself and being as open and honest as I can be here. I forget sometimes that the reason why this blog works is because I am willing to write boring shit sometimes as an exchange for the honesty. I forget to accept the crappy posts with the good posts.
I am pisssed right now because I am feeling so insecure. I am hoping that insecurity is a normal human emotion. I am working on the premise that it is cyclical and the only weapon we have against it is to see it and try to see why it is wrong.
The happy news is that I am not insecure about my writing. I finally finished revising my first chapter and I think it will be far easier from here on out. I went back and read a lot of my posts and it turns out that I have some pretty killer posts. I am feeling pretty good with my abilities.
I am feeling ugly. I hate admitting that. I hate admitting that I am feeling insecure about my looks. It feels like a silly thing to be insecure about. Logically, it makes no sense since insecurity makes you even less attractive, but when have I ever been ruled by logic?
I wasn’t going to write about it since it feels like whining and fishing for sympathy and compliments but it is blocking my ability to write about other things. Normally when I try avoid writing about something that is really bugging me, I get frustrated with the fake feel of my blog.
So here it is: I feel ugly and unattractive.
I know it isn’t true. I do really know this. I also think that it is normal for women to feel like this on occasion. It becomes an ugly cycle because we feel less attractive so we start to hide in ourselves and then we get lost in the dullness that we cover ourselves in and then we have to fight even harder to get back to the shiny we had going before something set off the ugly cycle.
I can’t think of anything in particular that set off the ugly cycle. I know I will recover my shiny soon. I think I need to get back to working out like I was before I got the stomach flu. I like me better when I work out.
On a side note: I found post it notes. I love post it notes. I have an office supply compulsion but post it notes are a particular weakness of mine. I have neon yellow post it notes with my crazy five-year old scrawl covering the sides of my computer screen. Simple things, people, simple things.
Also, Tina is a silly and my site is the right amount of feminine for a site with goddess in the title. Plus, I like purple
1 comment
LOVE!