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Many Great Things

 

 

I had an incredible time at Tina’s this week. I got to come up for air from my world of writing and I bought a cookbook. Tonight I am going to make pork with apples, yellow rice, and green beans. I am also making a second set of bread. The first batch was heavy and kind of bland but I think it could have been MUCH worse. I love kneading the bread. It has gotten me thinking thoughts on feminism. I need to write them down. Tina and I also had a lot of discussions about feminism. It is time to start folders on my computer desktop for each new project to throw my random thoughts in.

Tina encouraged me to buy a notebook with a monkey on it. I really did need a notebook to carry around a notebook since I walk around like a space cadet chewing through random ideas in my head. I was going to just get some little decorated ones until Tina saw one with a monkey on it. “Selina, you need a diary with a monkey on it”

Now I carry around a thin diary with a monkey on it in my purse. I am unashamed.

I really thought I would  want more time away from my manuscript but I actually miss it. I am reading The Elements of Style by Strunk and White and skimming a few other things before I go back to it.

I got Adele 21 today. It makes me happy.

Soon I will go back to writing decent blogs. I promise. Soon.

 
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Books of all Sorts.

I finished my rough draft of my book at 3:13am Monday.

I wrote a freaking book…. in two months

I slept all day Monday and came to Tina’s on Tuesday.  I missed her family and I needed to back in touch with reality. I WROTE A FUCKING BOOK. I forget that sometimes then when I remember, I get all awesome feeling again.

So I need to say again, I have amazing friends. Kathleen is an incredible writing partner and I owe so much to her. Tina supported me and listened to me babble about my book. Actually all of my friends rock. Thank you guys so much.

So I made a decision to buy a cookbook and start cooking more. I eat a lot of processed food and I had no idea how to cook much without using a lot of prepackaged food. I baked bread today. I managed not to screw it up. I had a blast making it and it tastes great. I might have a new hobby in baking. (I think I have Christmas present ideas.)

I miss writing. I have three more books in my head I need to write.

I am just so happy.

Yes, I drank the kool-aid.

 

Oh, a parting thought:

Samantha: What do unicorns eat?

Tina: Each other, that is why they are extinct.

 
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Basements, Stephen King, Perspective, Grammar, Punk Songs, and a Crazy Monkey

 

First I want to start this blog off right:

eeevil

MWAHAHAHAHA

So I started writing this but now I have to find out what kind of primate this is. Thank you  ADD. I also blame the shame my professor instilled in me about saying something with out evidence backed up by being on the deck. On the deck, if you made a brash statement and you didn’t have evidence, someone would eat your soul. I got my soul eaten a lot.

Anyway, this is a Philippine Tarsier and they are super rare. Apparently, they will commit suicide if you touch them too much or make too many loud sounds around them. No lie, look here. The dirty hippie part of my personality is saddened by that and wants to start a crazy campaign to preserve their habitat. I might even write a haiku or four.  The asshole part of my personality just thinks they are emo little shits.  You learn new stuff everyday. Thank you interwebz.

Really, I just meant to post the funny picture of the crazy monkey that really isn’t a monkey but something like a monkey. I ruined the funny by going all research on it. Typical.

Anyway, the thing I had INTENDED to write about to day is that I have some epic conversations with my friends.  I thought I should share a few. ( Oh by the way, since this is about actual conversations with adults there is swearing. I do my best not to swear in public, around small children, when I am trying to be professional, around people I feel it genuinely offends, or any combination thereof. When I am talking to my friends, in private, I swear. At this point, I feel like if you were offended by swearing you would have run away scream, especially after “Map of Tasmania.”)

Two Basement conversations:

I have mentioned twice that Stephen King has told Kathleen about how many words writers should aim for in a writing day. This conversation came from one of those times.

Kathleen: I love how you make it sound like I have had an actual conversation with Stephen King and not just read his book.

Me: I think it had more flair that way.

Kathleen: It sounds like I have Stephen King locked in my basement. I love it.

Me: You don’t?

Kathleen: Well, I do, but still.

 

Tina commented on my blog post about how I am going to be writing my book instead of worrying about making major posts here. She commented that she would lock the penis enlargement dood into a basement for me to keep him from distracting me.

Tina: Did you read my comment on your one post?

Me: Yep, and I replied.

Tina: I need to go check it.

Me: Basically I just told you that I know I am loved because you are willing to commit serious felonies on my behalf. It might be one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me.

Tina: Well, I love you and I want to do anything I can to help you succeed.

Me: It is still a pretty big deal especially if it the creepy rape mattress basement from your house in Clinton. I mean the idea you would be willing to go down there for me warms the cockles of my heart. ( I really am a big enough of a freak to say shit like “cockles of my heart.”)

Tina: Well, I think I could do it without actually having to go into the basement.

Me: I still find it very touching.

 

One Conversation about Grammar:

I get insanely loopy at two a.m after having written for several hours. When I do join back into the real world for brief periods, it rarely makes sense but sometimes it leads to fun conversations.

Me: I just had one of my characters say ‘you haved my respect’

Kathleen: ‘halved’?

Me: ‘haved’ because has wasn’t past tense enough for the situation.

Kathleen: I thought you were doing a witty play on words like ‘you just halved my respect for you’

Me: no nothing that witty or cool, just messed up my tense. I don’t even think that is tense. Oh what- the fuck- ever. The damn jussive subjunctive of the dative agent bullshit or what ever it is.

Kathleen (laughing): I am glad to see  you are so passionate about it.

Me: It is grammar, of course I am passionate.

Kathleen: It is grammar motherfucker.

Me: I want some motherfucking grammar on this motherfucking plane.

(About an hour later.)

Me: I bet being a hooker would be a great way to get blog material.

Kathleen: It would be.

One conversation about being a mommy, public urination, and cucumbers:

Last Saturday was my friend Cynthia’s son’s fourth birthday party. I didn’t go because I was obsessing about writing, I have developed a strange social anxiety since I started writing that I hope goes away after I finish my first draft, and I am just a shit person in general. Tina went with her family and I caught her on Facebook chat later that night and asked her about it. I copy the conversation and saved it as a word document because I knew it was that awesome. I could just cut and paste it here but that would be the easy way and I don’t do things the easy way.

Me: How was the party?

Tina: It was great. Sam got all buzzed out and peed on the floor of  Barnes and Noble.

Me: Wow, uh,

Tina: So I cleaned it up the best I could. I changed her clothes. She spilled water all over herself as we where pulling into Bueno, because mommy did not want to cook. I made her wear her wet pants in there and she kept hugging me and telling me how much she loves me. I couldn’t even e mad at her.

Me: lolz

Tina: Then Caius started farting so we left, the smell behind. (Understand when her son farts, it is toxic ass rot. I love the child more than anything but he can stink up a place.)

Me: Are you drinking yet?

Tina: Nope. I just offered David one of my cucumbers (she makes a fantastic cucumber salad) and he shuddered and said “eew” and pulled away as fast as he could and then said “what is it?”

Me: lmao, Really, David, Really?

Tina: I’m thinking about going to get his pillow and wubby and throwing it on the couch for him.

Me: That might be a bit much.

Tina: Motherfucker, My three year old has better manners.

Me: Your three year old is being raised by you though. lol Does he know that your child pissed on the floor of a public place and you are exhausted?

Tina: He was there!

Me: Maybe he does deserve the couch. SHE PEED ON THE FUCKING FLOOR EAT THE GODDAMNED CUCUMBER.

Tina: You just got my first smile in hours. I think that would make a great punk song.

Me:  Hell yes. My son smells like week old garbage. My daughter peed on the floor in Barnes and Noble. eat, eat, eat, the goddamn cucumber.

Tina: Perspective, now I have it.

Me: Knock, Knock motherfucker.

(I stole this all with Tina’s permission. Oh, if you don’t get that ‘Perspective, now I have it’ and “Knock, Knock motherfucker’ come from the Bloggess, read this. Seriously, just do it.)

 

 

 

 
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OOOOW

So yesterday I went smooth out of my mind and I wrote 5k words to bring my grand total up to 50k. My brain hurts.  Apparently, Stephen King told my friend and writing partner Kathleen that 2k words was a healthy goal to shoot for. I more than doubled that. I think I also gave myself tennis elbow, so today I am taking the day off.  Project Runway is tonight and I came in two days ahead of my goal of 50k by Friday.

That all means you guys get another crap blog. You guys are so effing lucky. I have a really great blog in mind but I have to get my brain to be in less pain before I write it. Today I am going to share my writing ritual. The most important part of the writing day is the pre-working whine and internet surf. I also always watch these videos to get me going. Enjoy!

Tina told me that this is my new theme song and I dig it, so it is the first one I listen to

This one is a super fun naughty song by Amanda Palmer, half of the Dresden Dolls and Neil Gaimon’s wife. I loove this video but it is not for the uptight. It isn’t bad except for a few f-bombs but it will make uptight folkd squish their faces in disapproval.

The last video I watch is one of a few videos of french bulldogs. I am obsessed with their bat ears, sweet temperaments, and funny barks. This is generally the first one I watch.

 
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Spam, Little Dood, and Screw Drivers

So, today was going to be about writing, until something decided to install updates and I had to restart my computer. I used that time to decide that I should probably write about writing my book on my pen name’s website.

Instead you guys get pictures and a ramble! YaY for you!

I think I am the only blogger on Earth that reads their spam comments. Sometimes I find them entertaining. Sometimes I find them entertaining enough to even approve. It helps if they have names like penis enlargement or gun safety because I enjoy seeing those on my comments widget on my sidebar.  Gun safety told me I need to add more keywords in my blog titles, which is probably true, then told me they didn’t want to be an ass. I don’t know why, but I love it.

I did this strange time warp thing where I didn’t sleep again Sunday night. I took a short nap then kept writing. I went to bed last night really early and woke up many many hours later. One of three things is happening here: I hadn’t had iced tea in three days then drank it all day Sunday and the added caffeine kept me up, I am evolving into a new subspecies of humans that defy normal sleeping habits and run on a different biological clock, or my brain is just freaking out until I get this book finished. Come to think of it, it could be all three.

So I have two main distractions at my desk when I write, aside from the unholy interwebz, a tiny screwdriver that came with my external hard drive and a little jelly plastic monster dood. I took pictures!

I randomly come up with ideas for my zazzle shop. I need to start making images to put on things but I don’t really do images. (Yes, I know I just posted pictures but those won’t look good on a t-shirt. Holy shit I need a better camera.) I will think of something. I also need to start writing them down when I come up with them instead of hoping they stay in my head for when I sit down later to make them. I should know by now stuff doesn’t always stick in my head. (I will always remember that the Norman Invasion of England was in 1066 thanks to Dr. Hayden.) I am also trying to come up with a New Feminism T-shirt since I am on that path now. Maybe when I get my brain back. If I ever get my brain back.
 
Yep that is about of the it of my ramble. Have fun cats.

 

 

 
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Dear Sleeping Fairy

When I was a little girl my mom would tell us that sometimes when we went to sleep without struggling and we were particularly sweet, the sleeping fairy would come and sprinkle us with glitter.  I remember sitting by the window with my sister and looking for her and running to bed when we though we saw her.

My mom is brilliant.

It is 11 am and I got two hours of sleep last. I wrote until 4am so I could reach my goal of 40k words and I finally fell asleep at 6ish am. I woke back up 8:45am.  I am going to force myself to take a long nap. I learned week before last I am too damn old to miss an entire day off sleep. It takes me three days to recover.

I made a zazzle.com shop yesterday! Zazzle lets you create designs for things like t-shirts and stickers and they print them on demand. It is awesome. I came up with a few things last night. Clicky here if you want to see it.

Okay I am going to wander off to sleep.

 
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Random Funness

I don’t think funness is a word. Not really for caring. So I am not going to lie, I got so crazy busy today I forgot it was even Thursday.  I very rarely forget it is Thursday but I have been living more and more in the world of my book that I am nuts. I realized that when I talk about what I am currently writing I talk about my characters like they are actually real people.  So I am going to use my “it is September and I am going to focus my word writing on my book until it is done” excuse and leave you with this

 
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Begging Your Pardon

When I started this blog I set out to write 500 words every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I haven’t written every one of those days and it hasn’t always been 500 words but I still stuck with that philosophy. September is going to be different.

I still plan on posting on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday but I am pouring most of my energy into my book. I am going to bust my little writing ass and try to get my first draft done in September. I know five hundred words doesn’t sound like a lot but it take me time and concentration to come up with things to write.  I would rather put that energy into writing my book. I feel like the sooner I can get that first draft done the less chance of me pulling a Selina and starting something but not finishing it.

So here is the deal-o people. I promise to post every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, but they might not be more than a picture or a video and some words. I will attempt to make them funny videos and words though. I will probably have some random days of big posts but who knows.

So, I am going to be a lazy when it comes to my blog. I will try to keep being entertaining. It is only temporary.  I need food now so I can go and write more bookness. I leave you with this thought:

Oh fuck it, I will do it myself /pick up sword

 

 
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Lolz A Letter to Dear Prudence,

Okay I know it is Sunday, not a normal blog day, but I found myself writing a letter to the advice columnist Prudie (Emily Yoffe) because of some advice she gave. I know it will never see the light of day through her column but I am posting it here because I like it. My site. I like it. I post it.

Dear Prudie,

First, your columns are one of my favorite things on the net. I love your frank advice that is actually applicable to real life. I just read an article, that the internet ate and I can’t find again, where you give advice to a man who met a woman online and found out she was overweight. His concern was that he felt he couldn’t be attracted to her and wondered if he should break it off.  I like your advice about waiting and just enjoying her company and seeing if something grew from it. I am unclear whether you were advising him to talk to her weight as an issue though. I am hoping you weren’t.

I’m a big girl. We live in a world where it is okay to sneer and judge and be down right cruel to people who aren’t thin.  I don’t get this treatment often because I am confident and I actually do love myself. (Also, I’m six foot tall and I am pretty sure people think being a jerk to me might end with them being harmed.) I’m insecure about my body, but so is every single person on this planet. I know that I don’t get as much initial sexual interest because of my size. I am okay with that. I am also okay with acknowledgements from partners that I am fat. I am not okay with criticism about it though.

Here is the truth: she knows she is fat. She knows he knows she is fat. If he makes a comment to her about it right now, it will torpedo her. He should just enjoy her company and try to find things about her that he does find physically attractive and focus on those features. In the name of all that is holy, I hope he wouldn’t say something along lines of “I don’t like that you are fat but I am with you anyway.” If the woman has any self worth she will say to him “I don’t like that you are a complete asshole, I am not going to stay with you.”

The reality is that everyone has things that people have to over look about their partner in order to be happy with them. The idea of the perfect person is crap. If he finds that he cannot get over her weight, then there are other issues. I’m fat. I also have a great butt and rack on top of being smart, funny, loving, kind, loyal, talented, and incredibly humble. I know some people won’t be able to get over their own prejudices to see anything beyond the fat. That is their issue, not mine. This girl deserves a man that will love her fully and try to make her feel incredible. Everyone deserves a partner who loves them and makes them feel desirable. We just need to move away from the idea that desire is purely physical and understand the mental aspects. People also need to understand that all people who are overweight know their size is unhealthy along with their habits. It also needs to be understood that most over eaters eat because of emotional issues. (Everyone is emotionally damaged goods, mine just shows up better than other peoples.) Harsh criticism IS NOT helpful.

Also, pro tip: If you want your mate to lose weight but you don’t want to be an ass, make it a drive to be healthier together.  “Hey, Babe, I think we need to eat better and exercise more together. Why don’t we come up with a plan together to do that?” Not “Hey, lard ass, lay off the chips and twinkies and run some.” If you are not willing to change your diet and increase exercise too to make a healthier life for your family than you should not complain about your mate.

With many regards,

Selina aka Beautiful Fat Girl

 

 

 

 

Okay so, here is the funny. I read the article wrong.  I found it to link to Kathleen and reread it. Turns out her advice was golden and I am just insane. This lead to a second letter:

Dear Prudie,

I just wrote you a long letter and I stand by everything I said in theory. It turns out I need to learn to read things more thoroughly before I write impassioned letters. Yep, your advice was sterling, as it is 99.999% of the time. Sorry I made you read that long ass diatribe for nothing.

With many apologizes,

Selina, Still a Beautiful Fat Girl

 
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