Tag Archives: break ups

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Smash (Turns Out)

First, watch this. It is twenty minutes long but it is an amazing twenty minutes. Trust me

I know most of you did not stop and watch it. Oh ye of little faith. Just know that this will inspire a few blogs after this one.

Saturday I reconnected with an amazing woman that had been an astounding friend for many years with. (We just went a really long time between phone calls.) She linked me this and it made me think. Thinking gave me panic attacks and yesterday everything went smash.

I felt like I had done some crazy Wiley Coyote stunt where I attached myself to a bungee cord attached to a brick wall and turned on my jet pack and eventually the bungee cord and the brink wall won. BOOM.

I am Selina, Handler of Things. When there is a problem I handle it. I sit down and look at my options and figure out a plan of attack. When I am struggling I come up with multiple plans and go through them one by one caring little about actual success just caring about keeping moving. I do this with the people I care about too. It is why I seem bossy or controlling, it is because I am trying to handle things because I want to make things as good as possible for those I love. It is just what I do.

Turns out you can’t just handle heartbreak.

Selina, Handler of Things met her match with this one.

This is how I explained it to my mom after the cord smashed me back into the wall and I realized I was hurting: I am only three blocks of better trying to run fast and be one mile of better. Eventually something is going to happen and snap you back and wake you up. I was working so hard to push push push push things to make them better, to make them move, that I lost track of were I was and stopped being honest to myself. I was so busy trying to be okay that I forgot to actually help myself be okay.

Turns out that doesn’t work so well.

It also turns out that I have to be okay with that. My tendency when bad things happen to me is to downplay them. It was just a stupid break up. He was not right for me, everyone knew (including me.) He was a big bag of jerk and I am free of him. I deserve better anyway. He was holding me back an now I can be and do whatever I want.

The life I had built for that year plus died. That Selina that I was died. I gave that relationship everything I had and I went into it with my whole heart. It causes damage.

I honestly do not miss him. I see my life as better with out him. In my mind, I know I deserve better. I thought this meant the damage should be better and I should be able to move on. Yeah, so maybe I was a little wrong there. The damage is still there and it still hurts. Turns out making plans and handling things do not work on feelings of being unworthy of love and of feelings weakness. Turns out that planning and handling just hides them.

Push push push. It pisses me off so bad. I want to be better and I should be better but I am not. I should have a job. I should have plans. I should be skinner. I should be writing my great whatever the hell it is that I am going to write to change the world. I should be out making a bevy of new friends. I should, I should, I should.

I was doing the ugly cry (the one with the red face and snot) while talking to my mom and I realized I have a massive double standard for myself. If I saw someone else going through this I would say I was doing fine. I would give them far more leeway than I give myself. I would tell them they are trying hard and that these things take time. I would tell them to stop worrying about should. I would tell them that after a crash it is okay to take a few days and hide and heal. I would tell them that sometimes in life merely doing what you can is enough. Turns out I am kinder to others than I am myself.

I am hurting. I have no plans to handle it. I am just going to feel it. I am going to take a few days to hide and heal. I am going to try to be more honest with myself and try to be kinder to myself. I am going to write what I feel and not what I think I should. Beyond that, I don’t know.

 
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So Much

I am writing a blog entry in my head that goes with “Strong Woman” but right now my brain is inundated with other crap to write it first. After I am done with this blog I will probably start writing it and try to get it right. There is just so much.

Most of life seems like this plodding succession of the sameness. I go through life making plans and trying to act on them while knowing life will change them for me. Not much of note happens while I am trying to go forth and save the world. Then, it is like the world explodes and many many things happen at once. It is so easy to get caught up in it and forget to stop and look at each little bit. I feel like I have to look at the “so much” because each thing is important in its own way and I have this crazy feeling that if I don’t pay attention I will miss something important.  The problem is it is hard to know how to tackle sorting “so much out.”

My heart is breaking for one of my Tina family. I want to hug her (not Tina) and make things better for her but I know I can’t.

Yesterday on my way to Wal-mart I suddenly filled with sadness and loneliness. Most of my life I never understood why people rushed from relationship to another. It always seemed silly and destructive. I get it now. I feel like part of me is missing and when I reach out to touch it and find nothing there it is almost unbearable. Stupid brain, stupid heart. I get better at being single again but it is going to really suck while I am relearning the skill. I do hate being the only single woman in Oklahoma over the age of 25. I bought Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers and I am working on an overdose. (Don’t judge me.)

Osama bin Laden is dead. All I can think still is “this is fucking huge.” I don’t feel elation. I just feel strange. I was in my second year of college when the twin towers fell. My entire adult life bin Laden has lurked in the background as some real-life boogeyman and now he is gone. I try to track the stories through time and honestly it doesn’t make it seem anymore real. I feel like we are on the precipice of something big as a country like when a big crowd has gathered and everyone is bracing themselves waiting to see if there will be a riot. I don’t know. So much could happen from this I just have to hope that this frenetic pace that the world has been moving at gives us a chance to stop and make wise decisions.  It is like watching dominoes fall but only being able to see two dominoes ahead. I fear the pattern that everything will make when all is said and done. It could just be the Twizzlers talking.

Then there is the storm. Those poor people. What else can you say other than I hope they don’t get forgotten amongst everything else.

In the end, there are still jobs to be found, white trash container gardens to be tended, houses to be cleaned, and blogs to be written.

 
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A Good Sandwich

I made the decision before I posted Tuesday that I honestly felt there are somethings that need to be written no matter how private the topic feels. I believe it for so many reasons ranging from it is therapeutic for both the writer and the reader going through the similar thing to some pretentious high handed ideals I won’t go into. I didn’t get much feedback on the post but I know one person liked it and that is enough for me.

There are many other deep gritty emotional blogs I need to write. My soul is brimming with bubbling emotional topics that I need to lay bare in front of the world. Okay, I can’t even pretend to be that over dramatic but there are other things that I think would be good for me to write about. I have one topic for sure. Not today though. Today I am going to write about a damn good sandwich.

This morning I was puttering around thinking of things to write. I had my coffee and Doctor Who was on BBC America (Matt Smith makes a pretty good doctor in my opinion.) I got up up and made a sandwich for breakfast. I know it is an unconventional choice but we all know I am a rebel. Anyway, it was really good roast beef with feta cheese crumbles between thin slices of asiago  cheese bread. So let me reset the scene, Me with coffee and God’s own sandwich watching Doctor Who. One of the things I am very blessed to have is the ability to see awesome moments in my life while I am in them. Coffee, sandwich, and Doctor Who was one of those small, simple moments.

I started a white trash container garden. I am growing two kinds of summer squash, cucumbers, and watermelon in pots in my yard. I have discovered I have a talent for growing seedlings. I have also discovered that I am way too attached to my seedlings and container garden. There is something satisfying about growing something and watching change from day to day. I have a freakish attachment to these plants though. I talked to the seedlings when they were growing on my table and now I go look at them every day just to check up on them. I have spare seedlings that I don’t have room to plant. (I had no idea that it would that my seeds would grow so well.) I cannot bring myself to throw them away. I know it is ridiculous. I texted my sister that some people drink after a bad break-up, I apparently plant strange vegetables and get unnaturally attached to them. I am not sure which method is healthier mentally but I know mine is cheaper. Anyone need some seedlings? I don’t know what is what anymore but just think of it as a garden surprise.

I know this seems like one of those “joy is in the simple things” posts. Honestly it probably is. Truth is, though, I have to believe that to survive right now. I know some people that thrive on competition or acquisition or stability. I thrive on hope. I learned that I am happiest when I have people to love and take care of and I have hope. I still have many people to love. I am not strong enough to have hope about love. I know all the platitudes; there is someone for everyone, many fish in the sea, blah blah blah. I see real love around me. I know it exists. It just hurts too bad right now to believe it will happen for me. So I bolster myself with the joys of great simple moments and the hope that a white trash container garden presents. I know I am a massive dork. I accepted this long, long ago.

Don’t judge me!

 

 
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