Tag Archives: friends

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Sometimes It takes the Lesson a Few Times to Sink In

I know all of the cool kids talk about how crazy they are. If you want to be hip and edgy, you talk about all of your crazy bits, sometimes you even try to out crazy other people. There is an entire internet genre of Sylvia Plath bloggers, journaling through their pain on blogs. Sometimes they try to put some sort of persona or spin on it.

I also know I am one of them. At any given post, I will start going on about one aspect of my crazy or another. I don’t do it  because it is en vogue or in hopes of bringing in readers. I write about it because it is what I am dealing with at the time. I write about things because I am trying a crazy journey thing in self-acceptance, and I write about real life because it is what I do well. I write about my crazy because paying for web hosting is a lot cheaper than therapy. It helps me, and maybe someday it will help someone else.

I have been having a back and forth with my friend Renee about going to a convention for Oklahoma music teachers this weekend. I miss all of my music teacher friends, and I know I would have fun. When Renee called me to ask if I was serious about going with her, I had to admit that no matter how much fun it sounded, it sounded too scary.

I made a couple of jokes about being crazy. I started to say that I used to not be like this, then admitted the truth, that I was, but I drank to cover it, and I was more in practice with dealing with it. I remember that first semester of college, though. This is nothing compared to that.

Renee didn’t even blink. She told me she understood and offered other plans to get together in much less intimidating circumstances. After we made some tentative plans, I told her that I am continually amazed at how lucky I am that my friends know about my crazy and love me anyway. I told her that I knew anyone who knew me for years knew I was nuts, but it still surprised me.

“Selina, you never have to explain with me; you just have to tell me what is on your mind.”

I immediately started to cry. With that simple sentence, I felt free. I can’t fully explain why that sentence meant so much, but it meant everything. With that sentence, I felt safe.

It is difficult to reckon being very social and loving social interaction and being completely terrified of large groups of people and fearing new social situations.  I have to fake a lot of bravery to get me there.

To be completely honest, the only safe person I had until Renee said that, was Tina. I would have never made it through Blizzcon if Tina wouldn’t have literally let me hold on to the straps of her backpack and put up with me telling her that she was going too fast or too slow.  Any time we go somewhere, I know Tina will know when something is wrong with just the slightest signal. It is one of the many reasons I have undying loyalty to Tina and her husband Dave. They both care so much and try so hard to make me a part of their world. It really is an astounding openness and sharing with their lives that helps me understand the world.

Renee’s statement made me realize I have many other people who are willing to be safe for me. I knew it intellectually. Cynthia came to Chickasha for frell’s sake.

So here it is: if you mention doing something with me or invite me and I say I really want to go or that I really miss you, I do. I have these group of people I care deeply about, and I hope you know who you are. I should probably tell you more often. When I flake out, or make an excuse, it is because the idea is too stressful or scary. Instead of flaking out or making an excuse, I will be honest and tell you that it scares me. I am going to make a conscious effort to push myself again, because I do miss so many of you. I am going to trust that if  everything does get to be too much, it won’t be a big deal.

I know I have amazing friends. My friends know I am crazy, and they don’t care. Let us see if today’s lesson sinks in this time. If not, I know you guys will be there again.

I really am a lot like Sheldon Cooper without the genius part.

 

 

 
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A Jumble of Thoughts

So I have had about forty-three things run through my head as topics for today’s blog but I am not able to focus well enough to concentrate well enough on one thing. I have decided to say some stuff about some things and let you guys sort it out however you see fit.

I am home now. My dog was so happy that she didn’t let me out of her sight for more than three minutes. Apparently, while I was gone she would scratch at my door every night and go look at my mom like “why the hell won’t you make her come out of there and pet me.” Happiness is a weinie dog.

I went to a beauty supply store with my mom before I came home. At the store, I looked into a mirror and found three grey hairs. I swore profusely about them and whined that I had just turned 30. My mom laughed at me… a lot.

I came home and found an amazing card Kathleen sent me. It reminded me that I am awesome, even with my grey hairs. It made me feel better and I cried. I have it propped up on my CPU right beside a random orange desk lamp that showed up in my room. It makes me happy. (The card, not the lamp. Well, the lamp makes me a bit happy.)

I am on the third book in the Twilight series. I am going to go to the library tomorrow and try to get the fourth. After I read the fourth, I plan on writing a guide to reading the series. It will be informative.

I have a beta invite for Star Wars this weekend. I am stoked.

Tina and I finished The Colony. We continued our conversation about what our role in the post apocalyptic world. Tina finally looked at me and said, “Selina, lets be real here, you don’t need to worry about this. You would be dead. I can’t see any scenario otherwise, especially if it were a biologic outbreak with your kitten like immune system. Even if you did manage to live, you would die quickly after from some bacteria or strange skin allergy.” Two things: 1) she is absolutely correct I am not meant for the post apocalyptic world and 2) I think she is secretly planning to take over the world after while it is weak and her enemies are few.

I realized why writers are all crazy as hell…. If we weren’t we would be good at other jobs.

Not going to lie here. I have completely lost focus. I looked at my facebook and posted something about jiggly man bits and that memory wiped everything.

 

 
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With My Birthday Came Earthquakes

I love Tina

This cake was on the table this morning. How could my day not be great?

I am trying to think of things to write that aren’t kind of sappy and Pollyanna, but the truth is, I am happy. I am very, truly, happy. I am filled with hope and optimism. I feel so blessed that I am tearing up. Of course, I am an emotional person so I cry with every emotion. I think it is one of my blessings. So I am going to just write what is going through my head.

Thank you.  No, really, thank you. Sometimes life is hard and sucks, sometimes it is beautiful like it is today. It is the nature of life. The very, very best thing I have going into my 3rd decade is that I know I have people who I know love and care about me. When I went into my twenties, I didn’t have that knowledge. I had friends, but I would never have guessed that I would have the people in my life that I have now. For someone who always felt strange and somehow wrong, knowing that you have people who love you for exactly who you are is the single greatest thing. My life is full of love and support. All of my happiness, hope, and joy springs directly from that.

I haven’t felt that birthdays were about gifts in a long time. I think they are a time to tell the special people in your life that you are excited that they are on the earth and in your life. I believe my birthday is realizing how many people care about having me in their lives and celebrating their role in my life.

I think birthdays are about being excited about what comes next. I have so much ahead of me. This past year has been a crazy ride but it has been amazing. I wouldn’t have traded a second of it, even the dark painful parts. I discovered myself and I got to see how much love is out there for me if I am willing to accept it. Sometimes I feel like smacking myself on my forehead for not realizing how simple the secret to happiness is. Happiness is simply being open to the good, accepting the bad and allowing yourself to learn from it, accepting yourself, loving people for who they are and allowing them to love you back, and weinie dogs. That’s it. I hope I can remember that.

I love that there was earthquakes today and no one got hurt. I love that I have m first draft done on my first book done and last night the revising went so well. I love that it is Guy Fawkes day. Today, I feel like I can roar into my next chapter of my life. The earth is shaking because it knows I am coming for it.

Again, thank you for being in my life and putting up with my shit. I have learned so much through you guys.

Okay I am all done being all girly and emo.

Tina makes awesome nerd references.

 

 
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A Whole Jumble of Things

So, Thursday, we meet again…

I am pretty sure right now I would be utterly incapable of writing coherent, good things, so I am just going to say things at my blog and call it done.

I am trying to normalize my hours. I am failing miserably. To be honest, I am not even entirely sure it is Thursday. I think I remember Monday. I drink coffee and tea and, instead of waking me up, I am just sleepy and giddy. I enjoy the sort of loopy, trance-like state of barely being able to stay awake, but having my brain running around like a crack-addled squirrel, but I am pretty sure I annoy the shit out of my friends. guy, Guys, GUYS, hey GUYS…

I have discovered two things harsh my creativity: news and sunlight. I can only handle so much news about dumb people doing stupid shit and possibly blowing up the world or ranty people on either side of the spectrum talking before my brain starts bleeding and I can’t slip into a state that allows me to create the world I need to be in to write my book, or, even worse, I start being a ranty douche bag myself.  Also, I can write while the sun is up if I am writing something like a blog or a paper. The more impossibly late it gets, the more creative I am. I don’t know why it is, but it just is.

So last night, while cracked out and exhausted from trying this stupid normalizing my hours stuff, I was still being all freaked out about revising. I couldn’t figure out why I was so intimidated by it that I was almost paralyzed.  I realized I am not adept at situations where I don’t know what is expected to succeed. I thrived in school because I knew what to do to get the results I wanted. Generally at my jobs I had a clear idea of what to do to be proficient at my job. Writing is this complicated, intangible process. You can study and research and read about writing, and it will help you be a better writer, but it doesn’t fully prepare you for the experience of going through the massive process of writing your first book. After I realized that, I became okay with being freaked out at every turn, because this is some strange on the job training.

Tina is being extremely kind,  and letting Kathleen and I have access to some photos. She is calling our blog stock photography. I am going to take advantage of it. Today, I am leaving you with the parting thought of a picture of Tina’s magnificent toes.

These are some MAGNIFICENT toes!

 
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I Actually Went Outside

Today I spent the day at the Rock Island Arts Festival and had a blast.

I heard four different versions of “Knocking on Heaven’s Door,” one with a xylophone.

I defended pole dancing as a legitimate art after seeing the girl I used to baby sit when she was just a sweet little girl climbing up a pole. It was pretty cool actually. It was really more like a performance art and less like dirty crack whores. Only one of the dancers had fake boobs. (Lets not discuss the tramp stamp tattoos.)

I think there was some art there. I saw a few painted cow skulls. Mostly I was hanging out with Cynthia and her kid. We did a lot of walking between the huge sand piles and the bouncy castles.

Jewelry. I saw jewelry. I like shiny things.

I got to meet many of my friends offspring. I am a terrible friend and I haven’t met any of my friends’ spawn. Autumn is still cute as hell and you can’t even tell she had a kid two months ago. It is ridiculous.

I spent four hours talking non-stop to Cynthia and her son. When we were at school, Cynthia was gorgeous girl. (I have always had hot female friends. It was good for my guy friends but not good for my chances to pick up guys. But, yeah, I know all the hot chicks.) Now she is an amazingly beautiful woman.  She looks almost exactly the same (there is a picture of her in an attic… NERD reference) but she has a new grace about her that makes her stunning. She was the same sweet, smart, funny Cynthia I loved so much in college but only better.

I did NOT get drunk at the wine tasting then try to get a pony ride. I did encourage LaNell to though.

I awkwardly talked about writing and my book a lot but my friends are great people and handled it well.

I have the strangest sunburn. I burned around my necklace and I have to white lines V-ing down my chest pointing straight to my boobs. I am going to think of it as added advertisement. I also have a stripe across my eye from my chunky sunglasses. I can pretend to be Geordi LaForge. I would take a picture of it but my dumb camera is refusing.

On a completely unrelated note: there is a pile of laundry that I took out of the dryer before I left this morning. I put it on my bed thinking that I would put them away after I got home today. Okay, I knew it was a slim chance I would hang them up, but I had the best intentions. When I got home I moved them from my bed to my computer chair so I could lay down and then moved them back to my bed after I woke up. I have accepted that they will just moved back and forth between the two spots until they dwindle away from me wearing them. I might put away the panties since I don’t have to fold or hang those up.

And I wonder why I am single.

 
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