Tag Archives: men

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Cracked.com, You Did It Again

Okay, I have a reason for not posting Tuesday, a really good reason actually. I had a strange and short bout of food poisoning Monday night and early Tuesday. At one point on Monday night, I was leaning on the bathroom wall crying and falling asleep. Sexy, I know. So I was asleep almost all of Tuesday day, until I realized I wasn’t going to die Tuesday evening. YaY for not dying.

I had no idea what I was going to write today until Sara linked a Cracked.com article. This one was as mortally offensive as the first one I wrote about, I don’t think anyway. I do have delayed rage reactions sometimes. It really did focus in somethings that have been floating in my head, but I have been hesitant to write about. Screw it, I talked about food poisoning, dating is far less icky.

four douchebags in a row

Unless I was dating one of these dudes. Dating these guys is ickier than food poison any day.

The idea of playing hard to get pisses me all the way off. I agree with Gladstone here on this.

You know what most of the precepts of modern dating pisses me the fuck off. I know, I know, I don’t have the success rating to warrant having any sort of viable opinion, but honestly, I am pretty okay with being single. I would rather live a battery powered love life than do a lot of the bullshit that goes with the dating dances. I’m not talking about shaving and high heels, I am talking about the games.

Dating for normal people is like urban-fucking-warfare. There are rules and tactics and weapons. Woman huddle together and have strategy meetings and try to figure out the psychology of the enemy (the guys they are dating).

Hard to get can kiss my ass. I know I am “blessed” with traits that make it hard for me in the romance department. I have an … impressive… stature. I am loud, opinionated, smart, funny, and apparently possess intimidating confidence. (My own father told me that my confidence intimidates people, after he asked me if I didn’t scare away the guy I am dating after the first date. I think he was joking about the scaring away part. Probably.) I have come to realize that these things are not always bonuses. So, what am I supposed to do?  Pretend I am not these things until a man is comfortable enough to “overlook” these qualities in me. Okay, yeah, fuck that.

I am flawed, crazy,emotional, and weird, but I am also amazing. If someone else can’t handle it, then they are not right for me. I am a bit of an expert on trying to fit myself into a shape that would work with someone not right for me, and I know it never works. I always end up losing bits of myself in the process.

I don’t believe in playing it cool. If I like someone, I want to be able to tell them. I’m not saying I think it is a good idea to gush to a man how much you want to have their babies after the first date. My guess is that emotion is something you should examine awhile before sharing, but if I feel a real connection with someone, I am going to tell them. I would want them to do the same with me. It helps calm insecurities that would be normal on both sides.

Also, societal pressure about sex is pissing me off. I don’t know how much men feel but women have it from all sides and it is crazy. We are bombarded with all of these messages from everywhere with what we do with our ladybits. If we give it up too soon, we are giving away a valuable chip, but if we don’t give it up quickly enough either the guy will get frustrated and go find an easier mark, or we are letting down our feminist sisters by caving to patriarchal chastity demands.

Straight up. Do what feels most comfortable to you. Fuck societal pressures. If you want to sleep with a guy on the first date, do it. If he thinks you are a slut, then he is a juice noodle that you don’t need. If people tell you that you are trading away a chip (Kathleen gave me this brilliant analogy, she has some amazing thoughts on this I wish she would write down and publish) and leaving him with nothing else to look forward to, then point out to them he can look forward to more sex with you.

I am on the other end of the spectrum, I am a snail’s pace sort of gal. I can’t separate sex from emotions, and I have always known any attempts to do so would just leave me hurt. I don’t think sex is dirty or wrong, I am just not interested in it without emotional attachments. This makes me a bit of a unicorn, but that is okay. Believe it or not, some of the strangest pressure against my attitude is from other women. I’m not moving at a snails pace for patriarchal ideas that my value lies in the lack of mileage on my lady garden or to hold a power over a man. I move at my own pace for my own reasons, and the only one who has any say is the man I am with.

Another part of the dating warfare is women analyze everything. We analyze EVERYTHING. This is part of a conversation I with the Viking I am dating (another Kathleen-ism) is men don’t think about things nearly as much as we do. We think ourselves into craziness. Good men say what they think and mean it, and if they are playing games, then they are assholes, and you can’t accommodate for assholes.

Women weigh everything. We turn conversations over and over like stones in our hands until they are worn smooth. We do this to other women unintentionally. A friend harmlessly asked me about the hug at the end of a date, trying to explain what three different hugs have been scientifically proven to mean, my brain imploded, and I panicked like a damn deer in the woods. She didn’t mean it to happen, like all of the other women in the world, but we, by nature, overload ourselves.

I made the decision that I am too damn old for worrying about all of this shit. I am not the urban dating warfare type, and most advice doesn’t apply to me. If I screw things up with the incredible Viking, I am screwing them up on my own terms. This way at least I know I blew them up by being me and not trying to be something else. Also, I might drive myself less crazy.

Yeah, I meant this to be a response to the article, mostly it ended up being a rant about dating.

 
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Taboo

There are things we are not really allowed to write about as women. Most of them are profound and really need to be examined with beauty and delicacy.  Lives could be changed by lovingly exploring these taboo and sensitive subjects. Then there are the other subjects we don’t talk about for societal niceties like bodily functions. There is nothing profound or delicate about PMS. There are reasons never to discuss the issue like good taste and tact. One thing I have proven is that I have neither good taste nor tact.

I have been trying all day to come up with something else to write about since the world freaks out about the very idea of a menstrual cycle, which, by the way, pisses me off. Seriously, men need to grow up about it. I know they want to believe that our lady bits are there purely for their pleasure and that mentioning anything to the contrary might shatter that for them. Some how we fear that they will grow so repulsed by the idea that their soft, warm refuge has a purpose other than for them to put it in and they will never want to have sex with it again.

WTF? Seriously, dudes grow up. Many of them want to try anal and, a lot worse happens in that magical cave.

My uterus is trying to claw its way through my abdomen, and I need to worry about how men think of vaginas? And we are called the weaker sex? Men would be far better served if their mommas pulled them aside and said, “Honey, one day you will probably find some magical lady that you want to spend the rest of your life with and, if you are lucky, she will do many sexual things that are illegal in southern states. One week a month she will get her period and be possessed by demons because she is in a lot of pain and her hormones are whacked out. If you want to keep doing those kinky things with her the other three weeks a month, you will learn to give her chocolate and be as sweet as possible to her. Think of it as a sex tax and your dues for her having to put up with your shit. Man up and deal, wuss.”

What? You want me to wax it too? Screw that.

Women, we need to talk.

You do realize that men will have sex with you even if you have an afro bush? That pain and bullshit we put ourselves through to make our girl parts  “more attractive” is total bullshit. We hold the winning card here, we just need to stop being dipshits about it. Seriously.

Besides, why are we worried about our sexual organs being attractive? Have you seen a ball sack? There is no amount of shaving, waxing, or finger painting that will make a scrotum look less, well, like a wrinkly nut sack.

So this is what we need to do. We need to band together and tell them men folk that we will continue to be the lady on the streets, freak in the bed that they want. We will do all those little things that make them so happy. We are just done putting wax strips or razors on our genitalia. We might trim, but if we do, it is because we want to not because we believe their penis needs a topiary.

Also, on “our time of the month” don’t bitch about not getting sex. Don’t tell us how big of a bitch we are, or how our looks change. Understand that if you do anything but be wary of us and feed us chocolate, the rest of the month will be less pleasant for you. We might even start a website of douchebaggery where we put up your photo and other women in your area can be warned that you are a whiny ass baby. Your balls will be blackballed.

*Head explodes* I am going to go find some chocolate.

 

 
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Curiosity and the Cat

I have sworn off of men for at least a year because it seemed like the logical decision to make.  I love men but they do nothing but create chaos in my life and I am doing a good enough job creating my own chaos thankyouverymuch. I still think about what I want in a man (like every single straight woman does) and on occasion I look at a dating site on which I have a profile just out of curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat and I don’t think there is the needed satisfaction to bring it back.

I know dating sites are all the rage with the hot young singles these days. I have had the strangest luck with it. It is has been all bad and it has all been just weird.

The Boys of the Internet:

The mail I ever got on that site came when I was 27. The man was 56.  I when I looked at his dating preferences I noticed that he wanted a woman between the ages of 25 and 35. Ugh. I could tell he was looking for a real intellectual soul match. I felt a bit ageist about brushing him off until I realized even he didn’t want to date someone his age. Seriously, though, there is little a man nearly thirty years my senior could have in common with me mentally or emotionally. I know women closer to his age and most of them are beautiful, dynamic, smart women who would make him happier.  Plus, it would feel pervy dating someone my mom’s age.

The second guy I connected with was a nerdy, smallish man who was working on his doctorate. He was very busy (so he said) but he was very smart, interesting, and charming. One night we were on the phone and he was telling me how everything in the universe was made of the same particles that were created in the big bang. He told me everything in the world was star dust. I know, I know, I am a dork but that was freaking hot. We made a date and he chickened out and I never talked to him again. I have been told his behaviors were indicative of someone who was in a relationship and was looking to cheat. /le sigh

Third guy is known as “Hatchet Boy.” That should be your first clue that things were not awesome. We sent a few messages back and forth and we exchanged myspace pages. He had some of his writing posted and it was bad angst-filled teenage “dark” crap but with slightly violent undertones. His picture was of him holding two hatchets. It gets better. Turns out he was one of the regulars at the library and he had creeped me out there too. When he realized who I was, it got awkward and a bit scary in my head. I told him I was seriously talking to another guy and I wanted to see where that went first.

I was talking to another guy, so I was not lying to Hatchet Boy. This guy was special, the bad kind of special. He dropped out of high school in ninth grade and liked Twilight. He had a daughter and baby momma drama. He also told me on our first date that his ex-girl friend might also be pregnant. As we talk over the next few days things just got more insane. He had to go rescue his daughter from his crazy ex. He found out that the wall of his heart was too thick and he needed medicine and a transplant.  His truck broke down. He had a cousin that lived near the nerd convention in Anaheim, CA that I was going to in a few weeks. Something was going on with his neighbors dogs and shot guns. I decided that either this guy was a big liar or a drama magnet and I needed to not go there.

That was the guy that broke my desire to date. (I am amazed that it took that much.) I stopped looking at the site and forgot about it then I got the latest ex-boyfriend and cancelled my account. One night in a moment of weakness after the break-up I reactivated my account.

I have only had one contact after I reactivated it and that was enough to make me roll my eyes and swear not to use the site seriously. The guy was 47 and he was a poet. If being a poet was not bad enough, his poetry was terrible. It was rhyme scheme dependent drivel. He told me his biggest frustration in life is that all the women notice him for his hot body and not his mind, rhymes, and large man bits. Do I need to explain why this did not get very far?

I still check the site on occasion just when I get curious. I always find the same assortment of strange men who can’t spell and have nothing in common with me. It helps me with my decision to stay single.

 
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Ego-Tastic!

I am starting this blog off with a disclaimer. I know, even before I start writing this, that people who read this site probably think I am a man hating, ball-snatching, hell beast. I’m not. I can try to defend myself by saying I’m not a man hater and I have many male friends but I feel like that person who says they really are not a racist and they have friends who are minorities. Everyone in the room rolls their eyes and discounts everything else that comes out of that person’s mouth as racist drivel. Truth is, I am not a sexist man hater. I really love good men. I have the privilege of knowing many good men. It is the bad ones that we all hate. This is a tongue-in-cheek look at something that I am noticing lately.

The Human Male and His Ego

Everyone knows the female of our human species is the emotional, weak, and irrational gender. Men are always the calm, well-reasoned, logical, and strong gender. It is the male ego that causes their problems.

I have always been aware of the male ego. I have had many males friends all throughout my life. I am now only beginning to see the all-important the ego is to a normal man.

I cannot pretend that I am some expert on the minds of men. I have only anecdotal evidence from friends and observations. I have also learned that I clearly have no understanding of the male brain when I am in a relationship with them. With that said, the male ego seems to be a fascinating driving force.

It is a delicate thing, the ego of a male. It is also a defining thing for a man.

To Know His Ego

I postulate that if you know the basics of a man’s ego, you know him. I believe it is a complicated, multifaceted thing that shifts and morphs as his life changes.  Knowing what drives it at any point in time helps you understand what drives the man.

What drives a man’s ego?

Most people (especially women) would snort and say sex first and foremost. I believe this is true to a certain extent. Sexual reproduction is a necessary drive for the survival of the species. If humans were not sexual we would not have survived those many hard times in the history of the species. Men seem to be even further hard wired than women for it. I don’t know how much but I suspect it is a pretty big driving factor especially in young males. Sex as a driving force is still complicated. Some guys get ego boosts from sheer numbers of partners or the physical attractiveness of their partners.  Some men get the bigger ego boost from being good in bed. I am sure there are a billion other sexual factors that are beyond comprehension to even the men that have them.

Another ego aspect is the drive for achievement. I think everyone has this, not just men, but some males take it to a special extreme. I also believe this drives the competitive nature and the desire to dominate or be better than others that some men with very obvious egos have. By achievement I do not mean purely winning, I think it is far more complicated than that. It can mean acquiring cars, women, positions of power, status symbols, or the desire to “be a good man.” The men I love and admire most consider caring for their loved ones as their most important achievements. The better their families are cared for, the better they feel about themselves. When they feel like they are failing at that then all hell breaks loose.

There is so much that can shape a way a man feels about himself I could write a small book and not cover them wrong and probably be wrong quite a bit. My point is that understanding what a man values in his self-images can help understand his behavior.

When Egos Attack

Here lies the rub. Sometimes when the male ego gets unbalanced, bruised, threatened, damaged, or major changes shit goes to hell. Women understand taking hits to the ego but not in the same way men do.

Women by nature can be nasty, evil piranhas socially. We are built to be loving and caring but we also enforce our groups social mores. We do this in some subtle and underhanded ways. We like shunning. We like back-biting. Some of the very worst female behavior is based on our drive to force the other women in our packs to behave the way we deem best for our survival. I think this leads to us having a less individual ego and more of a social one. (I know someone has phrased that better but I think other women would know what I mean.)  We have strong individual personalities but our sense of self is more fluid and less delicate.

Men seemed to be judged on more individual criteria. I think they are expected to adhere to the social mores of their group but that is not as much the focus as individual accomplishments. Their individual “manliness” is constantly being judged.

Women are judged on our femininity but we had a sexual revolution. We can define our “womanliness” in so many ways. We are no longer trapped being judged purely on our looks or domestic ability. Men are screwed in this department.

We live in a completely different society than the one that most masculine ideals were defined in. Men no longer have to hunt, build, or protect their women and young from bears. I imagine this makes things complicated.  There seems to be fairly well defined ideas of what it is to be male but the ways of conforming to that seem confusing as hell. I have no solutions, only sympathy.

Anyway, so the male ego gets severely  threatened and all hell breaks loose. I know from personal experience that a lot of the abuse that males perpetrate on the people around them comes from insecurity and diseased egos. It is human nature to sometimes want to tear people down when you are low yourself. Its a power thing. It is a dickhead thing. Don’t do it.

Midlife crisis is ego. Some cheating is ego. The man starts to feel bad about himself so he seeks other women to build it up or the idea of having multiple relationships makes them more manly. This is dumb. Get a hobby, or, better yet, try to build your ego on how well you take care of your loved ones.

Men, women want to love you. We find you fascinating, sexy, funny, or a billion other things. We just get annoyed by having to pander to your ego. Women, we love our men and they have their egos. Be aware of their ego and treat it with respect when you can. Your man can’t help it, he is just built that way.

 

 
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