Tag Archives: The Bloggess

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I Want to be an Evil Mastermind When I Grow Up

Last night, I started a massive rant than my computer freaked out and I gave it up. I think it was for the best because it is a rant I need to put a bit more thought into. Today, I am in far too good of a mood to rant. It might be the post work out happy chemicals, but whatever.

So, we have a couple of orders of business to get through.

First, next we are having an Oklahoma White Trash Mardi Gras Parade. One car with a trailer hitch has been offered for use. We now need cheap party beads, lots of booze, trash cans to put the booze in, a flat bed trailer, and lawn chairs to put on the flat bed trailer so people can ride in to fling the beads angrily. I have none of this, and I am broke, so I have appointed myself the official OWTMGP  organizer. If you would like to donate any supplies please contact me at selina@templeofthegeekgoddess.com.

(Really, though, if you are in a place that you can donate, donate to these people. My sister is friends with a little girl who would benefit. Here is the news story. Okay, done preaching/begging. Oh, but I don’t suggest donating booze.)

Second order of business: Next week I am going to register for the Redbud Classic 5k. Lynsie has said she would do it with me, so if there any of my Oklahoma people who want to do it with me, I think we should make t-shirts. Just saying, it would be awesome. It is 25 dollars to register but it is FOR THE CHILDREN. If it is just me, I am making a shirt with big bold letters that say “Fat Girl Jogging.”

Third and final order of business: I have decided that I am going to create The Bloggess’s Shiv Wielding Dark Army: Oklahoma Division. Our first order of business will be to get an Oklahoma City stop on The Blogess’s book tour. If we manage that, the second order of business will be to get Lynsie to taxidermy a mouse in a standing position so we can put little curlers in her hair and make a tiny blow dryer and red dress for her. It will be our offering to The Bloggess. I have appointed myself the leader for one term. If you guys are displeased with my leadership you can elect a new leader in six months time but no sooner. Anyone interested in joining should e-mail me at selina@templeofthegeekgoddess.com. If I get any interest I will be making a Facebook page to coordinate our efforts.

Okay, I am off to eat some pineapple and plot some more.

 
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A Blog in which I Explain My Caffeine Overdose

So, last night I OD’ed on caffeine. I might not bring it up except that I blogged in the middle of it AND sent The Bloggess direct messages (I told her she is the David Bowie of blogging). Social media is awesome because it means you can send your idol really insane messages while whacked out on chemicals. Ooops. Mea Culpa.

I have learned that 9-12 cups of coffee a day is a bad thing. I didn’t realize this until my legs started tingling, I was burning hot, and nauseous. I completely missed the pounding heart and insane bouncing brain. It should probably make me sad that the mood swings and crazy inability to focus were close enough to normal that I didn’t notice. I’m not going to analyze it though, no good can come from it.

I realized I was overdosing on caffeine and was incredibly tired. (The universe thinks those things are funny.) I decided to back away from any form of communication, (only after blogging, facebooking, and tweeting, of course) and try to get some sleep. I lay in bed yawning but my brain zipping around like a cracked out squirrel. I will give you a brief transcript:

Why am I crying? I’m not sad. Maybe my eyes are just watering. Is that a caffeine OD thing or is it just me being weird. It is probably just me being weird.

The Bloggess is going to get an internet restraining order against me, and you know what, I deserve it.

My dog is going to be really sad if I don’t take her for a walk tomorrow but I think I need to relax and even out some.

NOTHING I DO MATTERS. I am a complete failure at writing I should give up and get a normal job. I HATE ME.

Who in their right mind thinks they can go from 3 cups of coffee a day to 12 and not suffer consequences. Well, obviously, I wasn’t thinking.

MY HEART IS LIKE A GODDAMN MARIMBA. I think it is a marimba at least.

I miss Adriel.

I’m going to die alone.

And the thoughts went on like this for about twenty more minutes until I gave up and baked something.

This morning things are much better. I am watching my coffee intake because, apparently, too much makes me insane. I think it is also causing my writers block. And near religious experiences.

 
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I’m A Sucker

Let’s get two things out of the way first:

1) I have the hormone demons really bad. I am prone to very strong emotions but for only about two minutes at a time. This is an exciting time to be around me.

2) SOPA could get voted on this week. It is a bill that would give congress the right to take down websites at the request at the request of corporations. They are selling it as protecting American jobs and American ideas through fighting piracy. I would rather have my creative property pirated than lose my freedom of speech. I am not down with the Orwellian idea of the world. Google it, get mad, and bitch. Channel your dirty hippie rage for the good of your country.

Okay, now to the real purpose of today’s blog:

Untitled from Justin Valmassoi on Vimeo.

This is the dude from the Animals Talking in All Caps site. If you are my Facebook friend, you know I do a little bit of e-stalkng on this guy and his eyebrows, and I even made a t-shirt. He is my blogging soulmate, much like the Bloggess (even though she has a lot of people who believe she is their blogging soulmate, her blogging soul gets around), and he is in love, and he needs your dollars.

I am a sucker for true love. I believe in it with all my heart. Like I said last post, I try to pretend I am a bit of a grump, but we all know I am a pansy ass. I saw this video the other day, and my heart melted for him and those glorious eyebrows.

Here is the rub:

I have no dollars to give the man. I am a broke ass writer that gave her dollars to other charities. I know that since I have no dollars I should be worried about getting me dollars and not random internet dude dollars, no matter how stupendous his eyebrows are. I’m happy and want for nothing, but he is madly in love. He needs dollars much more than I do. So I will make you cats a deal.

If you just go look at his site (both the talking animals and his author site) and decide whether or not this man deserves your dollars, I will do two things for you:

1) I promise not to bring up my hormones for one week.

2) I am about to start playing a new mmo and I know I will be tempted to blog about it. I promise, if you guys do this thing for me, I will start a tumbler gaming blog and link it here but never mention the game in more than just passing. In effect, I am promising never to bore you guys to death with my nerding out about Star Wars: The Old Republic.

I know some of you guys are thinking to yourself: Well, Selina, if you start rambling about that gorramn game I will just stop reading your blog. That is fine and dandy for you, you selfish prats, but there are people who are forced to read this blog by the mere misfortune of being my friend. They HAVE to read this blog because I am needy and if they don’t tell me how awesome I am, I am insufferably emo. Many of these people are teachers and/or parents, so there is a distinct possibility that they take the horrors of having to read my gaming rants out on the children. So, really, you are thinking about donating your dollars for both true love and the children.

To sum up: go read Animals Talking in all Caps and see how awesome this guy is. If you give him dollars (because you believe in true love and you care about children), I will both not bring up my crazy woman problems for a time span of one week AND I will make a separate gaming blog, thus protecting you from my rants. I would call this money well spent.

As I was writing this, some thoughts struck me. First, it is a strange thought that there are probably atleast three people who read this site that I don’t know and have never said anything to me. I am glad you are lurking out there sharing my world. It is just a strange thought. This lead me to realize that I do the same thing, to the point that I devote most of a blog to some guy’s quest to marry his girlfriend and I designed a t-shirt about his eyebrows, but I have never once commented on his site. I should go do that.

I also realized that I might have implied that Jenny Lawson’s blogging soul is a whore. I did not mean this in anyway. I just meant that many people out there feel connected to her and love her. If anything, it is our souls that are a bit whorish and desperate for connection that we read The Bloggess hoping that she notices us and thinks we are pretty. (It could be just me.) Please, Jenny, on the very slim chance you read this, understand it is me not you.

 
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Yes, I Know It Is Not Saturday

And, yes, I am aware that is improper capitalization for that title. My give a crap broke, so shoot me.

Okay, funny things time.

So, Thursday I got dive bombed in the face several times by a butterfly. I told you guys all about that. Friday, I had errands to run. I stepped out onto my front porch and there was a butterfly and he immediately flew over and landed on my leg and stayed there until I got to my car. I walked really funny not to squish him on accident. I am being stalked by butterflies.

(Side story that is not funny but pretty cool and relates to butterflies: After my dad’s father died my dad was really upset so he went for a walk and sat down in a field of flowers. He sat in the field and cried and thought and mourned. After about an hour and a half he started to feel more at peace and he stood up. When he stood up all of the flowers in the field took flight and swirled around him for a second then flew off.  This is why in my family butterflies represent my grandfather and peace. I see them at odd times when I need to be reassured that things will be okay or that I am on the right path. Being stalked by butterflies right now is a good thing.)

Hormones make me crazy. I missed Tina’s daughter’s birthday party yesterday even though I really wanted to go. I just really couldn’t. I knew this Friday night and I had dreams that she was so mad at me she moved her family to Baton Rouge without telling me. Also, in the dream my family and I lived on a tropical island. I walked out to talk to my mom about being upset that Tina left and I found my mom in a shed making paddles out of found objects because there was a flood coming. All of the paddles had Styrofoam of some sort in them leading me to believe I can blame Modern Marvel’s episode on Styrofoam. This was the more normal dream of my sets of dreams.

My friend Amy Trachte Moore introduced me to one of my new favorite things in the world. I want to be this woman when I grow up. The Bloggess is flipping awesome. She is like me but only funnier and far more cool. I should be envious of her but mostly I want to be her or have coffee with her.  Seriously awesome woman. I laughed so hard I snorted.

So I started a website, Facebook page, and Twitter account for my pen name. It makes me feel completely insane to create this entire other person. Seriously insane. I have decide to roll with it and enjoy the crazy.  I am using the site to blog about the process of writing my book so if the book ever does get published I will have a “web presence.”  I need to do a photo shoot with Tina as Charly Sinclair, my alter ego, which the idea amuses me. How does one take pictures as an alter ego? Maybe I should look for a funky wig or hat or something.  (BTW, I know the website is kind of lame. I am still writing this blog, a book, AND that site. I put that as the last priority seeing how she doesn’t exist.)

Good news is Tina promised me that if she moves it will be north and that she will tell me if she moves. I am so glad she is so patient with my crazy.

 
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