Tag Archives: Wal-mart

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Lessons in Awesome

As anyone who has read more than a few of my blogs knows, I have a slightly different take on the world. If you don’t know what I am talking about go read my post on kids shows. I forget this on occasion until days like yesterday remind me.

I am playing a new game called Rift. It is a pretty cool game, I just don’t have the friends in the game that I did in World of Warcraft, so I spend most of my time in game playing by myself and not talking to anyone. In the game you run around talking to these computer run characters and they give you little missions or quests. This questing is part of the way you get to the maximum level so you can start doing torturous things like gearing up and raiding.

Yesterday I was all hopped up on caffeine after not having any on Sunday and questing like a mad woman. I was questing in a place called Iron Pine Peak which is this pretty mountainous area with snow and plenty of bad creatures wanting to eat your face. I began to think about how the conversation between myself and the computer run characters (Non-Playable Characters, or NPCs) would really be if I was somehow a hot little humanoid with purple hair and cool tattoos that could use my hand like a flame thrower. This is how it went:

NPC: So I need you to get on that road right there and turn left. Be careful because there are wolfman beasts that want to kill you on the side of the road. Anyway, just a little up the road is a place that has caves/secret creepy laboratories on both sides. You will know you are there because the wolfman beasts are directly on the road. Anyway, I want you to go into the left creepy cave/secret laboratory and break some of their shit and kill this one guy. Then I need you to go to the right cave/secret laboratory and  steal some stuff, let some folks out of cages that apparently do not have locks but the prisoners just do not know to reach through the bars and free themselves. While you are there I also need you to kill this one chick. Oh, one more thing, the caves are full of the wolfman beasts and crazed angry people in far too little clothing and stupid hats. Can you do that for me?

Me: What do I get for doing all of this?

NPC: A tiny bit of money, some experience, and a piece of crap that you do not need and will take up space in those bags you are somehow carrying but that dude over there might buy it off of you because he like to buy useless stuff.

Me: Sweet action! Count me in!

(Later at a different groups of NPCs in front of a different set of creepy caves filled with crazed people wearing far too little clothing and stupid hats but no wolfman beasts.)

NPC: Hey, I need you to go to that cave, spend ten minutes killing everything in it, and grab this thing off the ground, and bring it back to me.

Me: Will do!

(Twenty minutes later after killing everything in that cave and two more exactly like it, the first NPC has another quest for me.)

NPC: You know that cave I sent you to and made you kill everything so you can pick up that thing for me? Well I need another thing from the back of that cave. Can you get it for me? Oh yeah, everything you killed before is alive again so you are going to have to kill everything all over again.

Me: You are such an ass.

Yep, this is the stuff I sometimes think about while left to my own devices. I shared this with my guild (a merry band of fellow online gamers) and I think I scared them a bit.

Okay, so I ran out of coffee on Sunday. I was also almost out of Splenda so I could not make tea unless I used sugar. Sunday I refused to do that so I went the day without caffeine. Yesterday I gave in and made some tea. I got pretty hyped up on the caffeine and sugar. Anyway, I needed a wal-mart run but it is only slightly cooler than the surface of the sun outside during the day so I decided to wait until last night. I got there at about 10:30 pm and had one of the most pleasant wal-mart experiences in awhile.

I was looking at the coffee and decided to browse a bit since I was practically alone in the store. I like wimpy flavored coffee and the stuff I normally buy is fairly expensive. I decided to look for a different brand in order to be a bit more fiscally responsible. I found a new brand that was three dollars cheaper for the same size bag. I bought it and was proud of myself for trying to be a better person. This morning when I looked at it I realized it was cheaper because it was whole beans. Since I do not have a coffee grinder, I spent some time this morning grinding a bag of coffee with a hand blender. Some of it is a fine powder, some of it is almost whole beans. The coffee tastes fine, I just happened to learn a lesson about smug self satisfaction about trying to be more grown up.

I love being me. (That is not actually sarcasm. I do actually love being me.)

 
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Yeah (NSFW)

I completely lack inspiration today. I have not a tiny idea on what to write at least 500 words. I feel no desire to try to bullshit through one dazzling you with my wit and awesomeness. I feel honor bound to write a blog tonight since last Saturday I was too sick and gross to write.

I went to Wal-mart this evening. You would be amazed at how many males of varying ages were buying only a bouquet of flowers and a card. I predict fist fights tomorrow morning. Someone will get a black eye over the last bunch of tulips.

I have pg’ed myself so much. I say flipping, frelling, shoot, crap, holy smokes, gorramn, and snikes.  Some days I just want to cuss. I don’t cuss on facebook because there are people I might offend that I actually want to stay friends with. Some days I justwant to say “fuck, cunt, shit, damn, motherfucking hell bitch cock.”  I hate pretending like I am an adult. Once its on the internet it is out there forever. Fuck you, internet, FUCK YOU!

I hope if I ever breed I don’t have ugly kids. If I do ever have ugly kids, I hope one persons hates me enough to tell me so I can not torture people by making them tell me how cute my malformed spawn is.

OMG It's a fucking wasp motherfucker

I don’t know why I posted this. It seemed appropriate.

 

I bought a box of popcorn today. I forgot how much I love popcorn.

It amazes me that people still turn their noses up at internet dating. They say that the old fashioned way was better. I think people are full of stupid. Do they mean the old fashion way where the girl’s parents sold her off in a business deal? Maybe they prefer you marry a cousin or die alone. Or do they mean the old fashioned way of marrying whom society told you and he beat you and you were okay with it. Or the more modern old fashioned way where you get all tarted up and go to a bar, get drunk, sleep with someone, fall in love even though you really don’t know each other, and get divorced a few years later with a heart filled with bitterness and anger.

I should write ads for e-harmony.

I was at Wal-mart checking out when the little girl with the family behind me slapped my butt.  I looked down at her and she smiled a big angelic smile. When her dad asked her why she spanked me  she just shrugged. I approve.

Acid wash jeans should stay in the eighties. Anyone wearing acid wash jeans should be ticketed the first two times they are caught out in public wearing it. On the third time, they should be sterilized.

Light is spelled L-I-G-H-T. Right is the direction or the affirmative. Rite is something pagans do to have an excuse to get naked and drink. The opposite of day, night, is spelled with a ‘ght.” I agree with Eddie Izzard, it is cheating at Scrabble and makes no sense but that is how it is. 2nite makes the hate and anger bubble up from my soul like an anger and hate champagne. Keep in texts and on twitter you ignorant fucking retard. Oh, and do not breed.

Oddly enough, I feel a bit better. Sometimes I think we all just need to go a little Tourette’s Syndrome on a blog. So I have written almost six hundred fucking words so I am going to fucking publish the shit and go play some fucking video games.

 
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Wal-mart Invades the Interwebz

So it is no big secret that Wal-Mart wants to take over the world. It reminds me of the corporation in Wall-E, Buy-N-Large, with its logo on everything. (The rampant consumerism in that movie also reminds me of wal-mart.)

Side note: I am about to throw some information at you about Wal-Mart from it’s Wikipedia site. Most people who have been around me while I was doing a research paper know I do not consider Wikipedia a credible source since any schmuck with an internet connection can write an article and post it. I consider getting serious research material from Wikipedia about as reliable as asking an eight year old boy about sex. The jest might be right but there is A LOT missing.

Anyway, wal-mart, according to Wikipedia, has over eight thousand stores in fifteen different countries under fifty-five different names. I am not going to list all of the different countries or names because I am simple not that interested but, needless to say, wal-mart is pretty damned ubiquitous. In fact, I think if wal-mart where to join forces with Starbucks and AARP, they could take over the world. (I am a little frightened by AARP because they seem to be garnering more and more influence in the world. I see a conspiracy of mammoth proportions, but that could be just me.) As I have written before, wal-mart of the southern identity for decades now. It has started to invade the internet now too.

Obviously wal-mart has it’s own website. I have shopped it a few times actually and I hate it.  You would think that such a massive corporation would spend the money to make a really effective and usable website for it’s main web presence but I think they drank too much of their own Kool-Aid and bought it at a discount. I know that as a mal-mart shopper of multiple decades I should understand that value and bargain are not synonymous and most of the time cheaper means crappy plastic that breaks. I also thought that someone at the wal-mart headquarters would realize that a great website would make them more money than a crap website and, in the end, be a better value. Anyway, Walmart.com sucks because it so clunky to navigate. Bah. So wal-mart’s other web presence is what everyone else says about it.

I googled walmart and I got some interesting stuff. The first thing that came up that wasn’t either multiple ways to get to wal-mart’s website was peopleofwalmart.com which has become an internet phenomena. It is a place where people go to upload pictures that they take of people at their local wal-mart. Every time I get ready to go to wal-mart I examine myself and ask myself one vital question: do I look decent enough not to show up on POWM? If the answer is yes, then I go. I think if the answer is ever no, I might end up in therapy. Please. I contribute to a site called urlybits.com (formally the daily shite) and the founders of that site also have a site isviral.com and they have a great video of a woman getting mad that her mother ended up on POWM and going to FoxNews about it. It is epic on so many levels.

Most of the other search results were people talking about how much they hate wal-mart. People hate wal-mart. They write about it, a whole freaking lot. I was shocked by how many site there were talking about the various ways wal-mart is evil. People really hate wal-mart and after writing about it for a month I actually understand.

 
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