“Sorry, we are all out of blog.”
“So my choice is ‘or death’?”
Sorry I had to channel and ruin Eddie Izzard there.
So, time to point out something obvious: I have been a damn slacker lately and I missed TWO blog posts in a row. The interwebs gods are writing on their little tablet computers and marking me down as a terrible internet person. How do I ever intend on becoming on of the nerd queens of the internet if I do not write when I say I am going to write? Bah! I do have reasons…. Kinda.
Saturday I was helping babysit my niece and nephew. We did not leave to go to my sister’s house early in the morning or anything. I just did not wake up early enough to write before we left and we did not get home until late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. It was a blast. I love those kids. My gentle readers are just going to have to suck it up and deal. The lesson I learned was that if I want to do something like that again I need to plan ahead and write the blog the night before and just set it up to publish that morning.
Tuesday I was very busy not getting a job. I had a second interview for a job I was wanting. I woke up early-ish for me and put on my grown up clothes, grown up make-up, and did my hair in a grown up style. I showed up early with a really cute business serious woman purse. The interview took far less time than it took to get ready for it. The man conducting the interview was incredibly nice but I could tell my interview was a formality. He called me later to tell me that they had decided to offer someone else the job. I was disappointed. I had liked the idea of a job and a paycheck. I decided to take a nap in my new bed in my newly redone bedroom. Things always look better after you sleep on them.
Here is what I decided when I woke up: I was disappointed but I was not crushed. The job market sucks right now, especially around here. I am not going to starve or be homeless. I decided to be happy that next week I get to spend some time with Tina. My mom also has made me read awful books that she bought on the cheap for her e-reader. It was torture and it was enlightening. People will buy absolutely anything for 99 cents and you can make a decent amount of money for selling your stuff cheap. I also learned that people are far more willing to buy short stuff on e-readers than they are in actual paper books. I decided I was going to use my unemployed time to do cool things.
With e-readers a person can self publish. I am going to learn how to self publish. I am going to write some crappy romance novellas and sell them cheap (under a pen name of course) just to get started and then, after I get a feel for it, I am going to try and publish my good stuff. I just need to actually do it. For me, follow through is always the sticking point. Also, I have been informed that it is nearly impossible to tell me that I should do something or that something is a good idea. Apparently, one has to lead me to the conclusion so I can see it for myself. I am a pain in the ass, it is part of my charm.
I have major insecurities about my writing. I have things tripping me up in my head. I know, I know, everyone has these things, and I should be bold and go forth. Well, as fore mentioned, me knowing something and me actually coming to the conclusion to myself are two completely different things. So I am trying to stare the dumb self-defeating shit that resides in my head directly in the face and try to work around it.
I have a chance to be what I wanted to be when I grow up. I have support and people who truly believe in me. I think I have a chance of being good and finding a place. The good thing about being so harsh on myself is that I know some of my faults and I can work to figure out how to handle them before they arise.
I have cancelled all gaming accounts. I am not going to play Rift or World of Warcraft. I downloaded Plants Versus Zombies and that satisfies my computer entertainment needs.
I know certain things about myself. One of those things I know about myself is that if I am only accountable to myself I will not do it. I also know that if I have some I care about to be responsible to I will do what I can not to disappoint them. It is why I have stuck with this blog for so long. I told Tina I would do it. Every time I miss a blog I feel like I am letting her down a bit. This is my 99th post because I told her I would.
If I am going to do this e-publishing/ crappy novella writing thing I know I will only succeed if I have someone to be accountable to. This is where the strange miracles of late come in. So Kathleen. She came back into my life. She is also a writer. She is an amazing writer and is the direct opposite of me creatively. We are going to be responsible to each other. I feel a chance for it to work out well for both of us.
Not doing something because of fear of failure is dumb. I am filled with trepidation writing this because of that nagging voice that tells me that it could be another one of my harebrained ideas that go nowhere and now I have put it out on my blog which means that people will know I had this harebrained idea that went nowhere. I told you my head is full of dumb voices.
I have learned something about myself through blogging about myself since my life blew up: I am bravest when I am the most honest about my vulnerable self and I create things I am the most proud of when I am honest. That is why the Brene Brown video Kathleen showed me meant to much to me.
My biggest fears are failure and missing life because of fear. (And falling from heights, I am the only person I know that has panic attacks standing on chairs changing light bulbs and it is a damn good thing I am tall.) I do not want to look like an idiot and I hate feeling like I am clueless. I also do not want to not do something great in life because I am afraid that I might look like an idiot or because I might be bad at it. I have decided the second fear is far more likely to help me be happy.
Part of the reason why I crashed into the wall was because I stopped being genuine. I lost touch with that truth that I found in vulnerability. I have decided that I am going to go crashing forth in life , like I do, with the grace and delicacy of a bull in a china shop with that heady freedom and power I found in being honest and vulnerable and genuine in some of those early post explosion posts. Part of me shudders at that idea. I am not afraid of vulnerability, I shudder because I have seen some really bad honest and open writing. Some people expose their souls and they do it with bad writing.
Not writing because you fear writing badly is dumb.
I hate it when I have to accept logic.
Epic ramble done.