Blog or Death

“Sorry, we are all out of blog.”

“So my choice is ‘or death’?”

Sorry I had to channel and ruin Eddie Izzard there.

So, time to point out something obvious: I have been a damn slacker lately and I missed TWO blog posts in a row. The interwebs gods are writing on their little tablet computers and marking me down as a terrible internet person. How do I ever intend on becoming on of the nerd queens of the internet if I do not write when I say I am going to write?  Bah! I do have reasons…. Kinda.

Saturday I was helping babysit my niece and nephew. We did not leave to go to my sister’s house early in the morning or anything. I just did not wake up early enough to write before we left and we did not get home until late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. It was a blast. I love those kids. My gentle readers are just going to have to suck it up and deal. The lesson I learned was that if I want to do something like that again I need to plan ahead and write the blog the night before and just set it up to publish that morning.

Tuesday I was very busy not getting a job. I had a second interview for a job I was wanting. I woke up early-ish for me and put on my grown up clothes, grown up make-up, and did my hair in a grown up style. I showed up early with a really cute business serious woman purse. The interview took far less time than it took to get ready for it. The man conducting the interview was incredibly nice but I could tell my interview was a formality. He called me later to tell me that they had decided to offer someone else the job. I was disappointed. I had liked the idea of a job and a paycheck.  I decided to take a nap in my new bed in my newly redone bedroom.  Things always look better after you sleep on them.

Here is what I decided when I woke up: I was disappointed but I was not crushed. The job market sucks right now, especially around here. I am not going to starve or be homeless. I decided to be happy that next week I get to spend some time with Tina. My mom also has made me read awful books that she bought on the cheap for her e-reader. It was torture and it was enlightening. People will buy absolutely anything for 99 cents and you can make a decent amount of money for selling your stuff cheap. I also learned that people are far more willing to buy short stuff on e-readers than they are in actual paper books. I decided I was going to use my unemployed time to do cool things.

With e-readers a person can self publish. I am going to learn how to self publish. I am going to write some crappy romance novellas and sell them cheap (under a pen name of course) just to get started and then, after I get a feel for it, I am going to try and publish my good stuff. I just need to actually do it. For me, follow through is always the sticking point. Also, I have been informed that it is nearly impossible to tell me that I should do something or that something is a good idea. Apparently, one has to lead me to the conclusion so I can see it for myself. I am a pain in the ass, it is part of my charm.

I have major insecurities about my writing. I have things tripping me up in my head.  I know, I know, everyone has these things, and I should be bold and go forth. Well, as fore mentioned, me knowing something and me actually coming to the conclusion to myself are two completely different things. So I am trying to stare the dumb self-defeating shit that resides in my head directly in the face and try to work around it.

I have a chance to be what I wanted to be when I grow up. I have support and people who truly believe in me. I think I have a chance of being good and finding a place. The good thing about being so harsh on myself is that I know some of my faults and I can work to figure out how to handle them before they arise.

I have cancelled all gaming accounts. I am not going to play Rift or World of Warcraft. I downloaded Plants Versus Zombies and that satisfies my computer entertainment needs.

I know certain things about myself. One of those things I know about myself is that if I am only accountable to myself I will not do it. I also know that if I have some I care about to be responsible to I will do what I can not to disappoint them. It is why I have stuck with this blog for so long. I told Tina I would do it. Every time I miss a blog I feel like I am letting her down a bit. This is my 99th post because I told her I would.

If I am going to do this e-publishing/ crappy novella writing thing I know I will only succeed if I have someone to be accountable to. This is where the strange miracles of late come in. So Kathleen. She came back into my life. She is also a writer. She is an amazing writer and is the direct opposite of me creatively. We are going to be responsible to each other. I feel a chance for it to work out well for both of us.

Not doing something because of fear of failure is dumb. I am filled with trepidation writing this because of that nagging voice that tells me that it could be another one of my harebrained ideas that go nowhere and now I have put it out on my blog which means that people will know I had this harebrained idea that went nowhere. I told you my head is full of dumb voices.

I have learned something about myself through blogging about myself since my life blew up: I am bravest when I am the most honest about my vulnerable self and I create things I am the most proud of when I am honest. That is why the Brene Brown video Kathleen showed me meant to much to me.

My biggest fears are failure and missing life because of fear. (And falling from heights, I am the only person I know that has panic attacks standing on chairs changing light bulbs and it is a damn good thing I am tall.) I do not want to look like an idiot and I hate feeling like I am clueless. I also do not want to not do something great in life because I am afraid that I might look like an idiot or because I might be bad at it. I have decided the second fear is far more likely to help me be happy.

Part of the reason why I crashed into the wall was because I stopped being genuine. I lost touch with that truth that I found in vulnerability. I have decided that I am going to go crashing forth in life , like I do, with the grace and delicacy of a bull in a china shop with that heady freedom and power I found in being honest and vulnerable and genuine in some of those early post explosion posts. Part of me shudders at that idea. I am not afraid of vulnerability, I shudder because I have seen some really bad honest and open writing. Some people expose their souls and they do it with bad writing.

Not writing  because you fear writing badly is dumb.

Damnit.

I hate it when I have to accept logic.

Epic ramble done.