Note on the picture: I have a pink IPod like the one the pig has. I hate it with a passion. On down moments from writing, I will plot new and innovative ways to bring its destruction.
So, I am in a strange position that I haven’t been in a long time. I should have foreseen it, but you know how me and common sense work. We have a fleeting love affair every once in awhile, but mostly we remain with our orbits barely intersecting in places. For the first time in a long time, I know someone is reading my blog that is new to me, and I actually give a crap what they think of me.
I know people read this. Most people I know who read it, I know are aware I am this strange person bumping through the world, and I know you guys love me anyway. The rest of the people who read this are lurkers or strangers. It is easy to be all brave and militantly open when you know people either love you, or they are strangers. I haven’t been worried about a reaction to a blog since “Strong Woman”, and suddenly I find myself thinking over everything I have written over the months, and covering my face with my palm.
I was thinking about what to write today, and I always came back to this thought. I had this safe but interesting post planned in my head about me trying to stick to this new idea of discussing and listening instead of debating. That seemed so safe, but so very not what I am about.
I have this aspect of my personality that I play chicken with myself. I have a lot of weird fears and insecurities, like everyone, and sometimes I bump up against one, and I dare myself to push it. I don’t know if this is a brave driving force thing or a stupid thing. It is probably both. I am forever scootching myself to the edge of my comfort zone just to prove to myself that I can. I see the potential for disaster.
So, the safe and sane thing would be to try to write a really cool treatise on how civil discourse works. Instead I am playing chicken with myself, and writing about feeling exposed and crazy.
Truth is, this blog is exactly me. That is the point of this blog, to be unabashedly me, because I know no matter how strange I feel, I know there are a lot of people like me. I wouldn’t suggest anyone else in the world being quite this open. I know I am taking this to an extreme, but I do that on purpose. I also know that ideally we reveal ourselves slowly to the people around us; giving the not so awesome bits wrapped with the really cool parts. All of my bits are out there, without awesome bacon wrappings.
The good thing is that I do know that anyone new who reads this, and still wants to be in my life, knows all of the crazy insecure bits, and still likes what they see. Anyone who reads this and flees, wouldn’t work with me anyway.
It still doesn’t keep me from cringing a little. Just a little though.