In Dreams

In general, I have really vivid dreams that play out like movies, or well-made video games. Most mornings I remember them and  slap myself on the forehead for being such a weirdo in my mind.  Sometimes they are fantastic and kind of cool, like the dream where I got sent to the future with a breeding set of seal pups to start the re-population of the oceans after mankind burned all sea life from the oceans when the entire ocean revolted in a bloody war against man. I had to sneak through a massive dilapidated  hotel complex trying to get to the ocean so I could swim these three pups to safety. At one point in the water, I was guided by a ghost whale.  I had other dreams about being an assassin slayer in an airport. I have a lot of dreams about traveling through islands. I even had one dream that the cast of Desperate Housewives were all my friend. We were pirates together until they all left me in the pirate cove.

Like I said, most of these dreams are just strange tidbits from my subconscious, which manages to be weirder than my conscious, and mean little other than I spent a lot of years in college and I desire to travel. I might also have a thing for pirates and the ocean. (I had this really cool dream about these kids on an epic quest to figure out an ancient culture that lived on their island before them, and one is the long lost queen of this supernatural culture.) It is just how my brain works. I like stories, I make them up all of the time, so why not in my sleep?

Then I have other more personal and painful dreams that can stick with me for days.

I had one of those last night. My unconscious mind flayed me open and left me bare. My unconscious mind is a total asshole.

So, I am like everyone else, a deeply insecure mess. Some of us hide it better than others, but I believe everyone has periods in their lives that insecurities eat around the edges of their lives. No matter how sure of ourselves we are, sometimes that bullshit wriggles in without warning.

It is pretty obvious that I have been struggling with insecurity for almost a year now. I don’t think it was bad,  I have had a tremendous amount of growth from that insecurity, and I have taken more steps into becoming who I want to be then I have since leaving college.  I have just had a lot of “oh, no fucking way can I do this shit” moments or moments of finding my self severely lacking. I struggle with not feeling enough all of the time. Most of the time I do a pretty good job relegating it all to the back of my brain with only random outbursts.

Until my brain gives me the kind of dream I had last night.

In my dream, I ran into a friend from college. Let me explain. In reality, I haven’t seen this friend in many years, and, honestly, I am okay with it. We had a tumultuous friendship because she was a tumultuous girl. She was also insanely insecure and like to use me to bolster her self worth. Most of the time, that just meant she would brag to me or show me how smart/pretty/flirty/sexually attractive/wild/tough she was. Sometimes, she would just make really snide comments to tear me down and make herself feel better in tearing me down. Of course I didn’t realize it at the time since I was too young and too dumb.

Back to the dream…

She showed up at a party I was throwing. Her drug use had escalated from weed and pills to harder stuff and life had been harsh on her. She moved through the party trying to be the center of attention, like she enjoyed in college, but she couldn’t get enough attention, so she walked over to the group of friends I was talking with and started to belittle me viciously.

She belittle my weight, my intelligence, my near constant single status, my lack of a paying job, everything. She ripped me down into little shreds, attacking every little insecurity I had. I stood up to her, though. Inside I still felt everything she said, but I told her off. My friends stood with me.

Later that night, everyone kind of passed out. (I don’t know, it is a dream okay.) When I woke up I knew something was wrong. I went to my computer and found my filing system wrecked. She left a recorded video telling me she hadn’t erased anything but she had added massive quantities of stuff and messed everything up. She told me that she couldn’t let my behavior stand without retaliation. She wrecked everything and I had lost my book.

I have never felt so defeated in my life.

I know it was just a dream, but it still sticks with me. Part of me still feels ripped up from her nasty words and the devastation and helplessness of losing my book.

Even in my dream, my loved ones found a way to help me make it right. I think I am so pollyanna that even in my dreams I have a hard time feeling completely lost and hopeless.

I don’t think there was a point to sharing this. It was just on my mind. /Le Shrug.