Spin

I’m not alone in having a soundtrack for my life. There are several musicians that I’ve written about like Ani Difranco, Amanda Palmer, Liz Phair, Karen O, and Florence and the Machine that keep circling in my life, but Kathleen gave me a new singer to add to the vagina squad of awesome: Ane Brun.

She is from Norway, but lives in Sweden, and her voice is amazing. I could get lost in it forever.

I go through these periods of my life where I feel like I am moving through life with my shoulder down, not plodding per say, but moving with a sort of steady pace. I feel in control, and I know where I am putting my feet. I know what I want, and I work for it.

Then things come in and spin me all around.

My brain is so full of thoughts and emotions. It isn’t all the Viking either. I mean, it is him and it isn’t him. My thoughts aren’t all him, but he brings it out in me. He spun me out of my orbit and is forcing me into a different pace. I’m no longer controlled.

From one moment to the next, I am somewhere different. Mostly I bounce between elation and terror. I’ve tried very hard to accept that I am an emotional creature, and it was easy when my emotions made sense. When I could look at what I felt, turn it over in my palms, and know what I was feeling and deal with it. I can’t do that with this. Everything is spinning so quickly, and I am trying desperately to figure out where I am. I am trying to make things move in a way I understand. Tina quoted “Labyrinth” at me and told me I had no control.

So, my choices are to let go and let the spinning take over, or stop it and walk away. I can’t walk away. Giving over control and power scares me. It actually terrifies me, but I can’t give up something that could be wonderful because I am scared.

If I let go and spin off and he isn’t there, I will hurt, probably a lot. I will feel silly because I felt so much so passionately. I’ve hurt before, and I survived. I’m tougher than I think. Feeling silly for being emotional and passionate is useless. I am passionate. It makes me crazy and unpredictable but it is also why I can love so many people and care so much. I’ve known I am all or nothing. I chose all.

I’m going to spin and hope he is there. I am going to shut off my thinking and stop trying to right myself. I’m letting go of my control and my power. Like everything else in my life, if I fall and hurt myself, at least I tried.