Fear

I’ve learned that it is far easier to love someone than be loved. For me, the act of loving someone is simple and comforting. Showing kindness and warmth is rewarding. Wanting it from someone else is scary as fuck.

I don’t understand how that works, but it is just how I am.

I guess if I love someone and care for them, and they take advantage or turn out to be a an asshole, I didn’t lose anything. I still got to love. I might get hurt but that act of loving them was worth it. If I want love in return, things get terrifying.

I’m so tentative about wanting to be loved or be taken care of. We are trained as women that we should be strong women and not want those things. Strong woman and I already have some issues. Truth is, it is okay to want love and to want a partner. I think we confuse the desire for weakness. Its healthy. The problems arise when we don’t feel whole without it.

We are told to go out, make ourselves whole, and find happiness by ourselves, then love will come. So, we go forth and make our attempts. Some people find partners when they are broken and heal together. Some people find love when they are young and grow up together. I’m probably still a little broken, and I am still totally a mess, but for the most part I am whole. It still feels really scary to be in love.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend one time. I’m a protective person, and when I care about someone, I need to feel like I can help them. This friend was very independent. I told her that I wanted to be close to her, but in order to do that, she needed to let me take care of her.

I think of myself of this big ball needy mess. I feel like I swoop from person to person in my life making them take care of me emotionally and physically. I think because I am passionate and emotional, I need to control how I react to people and what I ask from them. I feel like I burden people with my emotions. I’m terrified of being needy.

Truth is, I am needy, but only to a select few people. Tina is definitely one of these people. After many years, I feel like I can go to her when I need something emotionally. I’m not terrified to rely on her. The big basket of crazy knows that if I burden her with my emotions, she will love me anyway.

I’m not entirely sure it is sane to look at my emotions as a burden to other people. That, in its self, might be fucked up.

Now, I am looking at things logically, and seeing I need to learn to ask for love and things I need. I need to give others the chance to love me, like I do them. I have no clue how to do that. How do I switch my mindset from “I will be easier to love if I require minimal energy, so the more I go without the better” to “I want you to love me, so let me allow you to care of these things.”

How do you do that?

It is a pretty big freaking deal. No close relationship, romantic or otherwise, works without it. You have to be willing to ask for things and be willing to receive things. I love giving gifts to people I care about. I love doing small things to make them smile. How do I learn to receive these things and ask for them when I need them?

I have no fracking clue. I’m going to try to learn. It should be interesting.