Things I have Learned on the Internet

I’m a creature of the internet, and the internet is full of many many lessons.

1. Everyone is a moron, aside from you. Sometimes this feels very true, like when you see people arguing against evolution or global warming. There are so many times that I want to tell people that they are wrong and outline to them why they are an idiot. Will it do any good? No. Will it make me feel better? Probably. Is it a huge waste of time and emotional energy? Yes. Generally the folks who argue extreme points on the internet are arguing from emotion, not logic, or you are arguing from emotions, not logic. Read their point to try to see their side, but arguing, like resistance, is futile.
2. Everyone in the world is fat and lazy, including you. Have good self esteem? Go on the interwebz, it will fix that for you really quick. The internet called Megan Fox a cow, the rest of us are fucked.
3. You do everything WRONG. All of your instincts are wrong. Every decision you make is wrong.  Normal people don’t feel that way.
4. Everything give you cancer, and all of the food you eat will kill you. Bitch, your ass is going to die because you drank bottled water, but it will still die if you drink tap water. EVERYTHING will kill you.
5. You are a bad person. If you don’t read every website for every cause imaginable and give a way your dollars, then you are a terrible person, and the world is going to shit because of you. (On a side note, your dollars need to go here.)
6. Woman only care about fashion, how to land a man, and how to make our vaginas more pleasing. Men only care about sports and ‘hitting it and quitting it’ with that hot chick at the bar. If you care about something other than these things, you are abnormal.
   

   Never fear, here is some make-up for your vagina. It is ugly right now, and no one will ever love you or your vagina until you fix that.

7. Every news source is fair and unbiased; it’s their competitors that are slanted. I’m guilty of this. Fox News shouldn’t have “news” after it. If you want good quality reporting there is always The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
8. You are screwing up your child. Every decision you make is permanently damaging your kid, and you should have your reproductive organs removed for your crimes.
9. I’m not the only one who finds those shoes with the individual toes creepy as hell. Toe socks freaked me out enough, but the shoes make me deeply uncomfortable.  I’m pretty sure I should be in therapy.
10. We all are in need for medical treatment for something. You are not okay the way you are. Go fix yourself.

The internet reminds me of high school, except only larger, like if the entire world went to your high school. The very idea of it makes me need tranquilizers.

Okay, no really, I love the internet. I think there are a lot of beautiful things about the internet. Like this site, this site is definitely one of the beautiful things about the net. Honestly, we all know the internet is a vehicle for pictures of cats and naked people. Viva La Naked People!