So, It’s a distinct possibility I have swirled into a world of strange chaos. The bout of depression is fully gone, and has been for awhile. I’m back to being a goofball happy pants. The Viking and I have my birthday date on Saturday, and I am so excited. I am so excited I painted my toenails.
By painted my toenails, I mean I polished the entire top knuckle of my toes deep sea blue. My toes look like weeping emo children. Now, I’ve taken pictures of said weeping emo children and made them into ART.
This, photo, it speaks to me. It says all life is futile, all struggle is futile. All resistance is futile. This picture, it is a pretentious Borg French Existentialist.
Oh, I didn’t stop there.
With this photograph I tried to express my contempt for modern beauty standards through blurring of color values and setting askew traditional boundaries put forth by things like magazines, television, movies, and the internet (and, you know, actual toenails.) The orange represents the heat of my passion, like the sun, and the black is the starkness of my message.
You can tell I’m happy when I make bad satire with pictures of my toes.
As a feminist, I’m “supposed” to disregard any need for approval of my physical appearance. This is straight up horse shit. First up, feminist fight for gender equality and people’s rights to choose their own paths regardless of gender teaching. Second of all, our bodies are part of us. How we feel about how we look does affect us. If we give completely into our need for physical approval or ignore the need all together we head for trouble. I struggle to seek balance and love myself and find myself beautiful. It is a rough road.
Mostly though, I love feeling beautiful. For the first time in my life I feel sexy. It will never be all that I am, but I hope I can keep it part of who I am. I feel confident in myself.
I dress up for the Viking. I put on make-up and carefully pick out clothes for our dates, not because he won’t like me or find me attractive if I don’t, but because I love feeling beautiful for him. I’ve discovered, with him, that a big part of me is that confidence and that sexiness, and it makes me more me. I’m not saying I’m a better person because I am with him, or I have more value because he finds me beautiful. I’m saying that I found a part of me that makes the rest of me shine brighter. He nurtures that in me. He helped me find it, and he helps show me what is wonderful about me whenever I forget.
I love it.
And I love my toe art.
Geeks a Geeking