Oh, my, what a sexy sexy banana
Well, so, my life has been in some level of upheaval since the middle of December, and shit went totally crazy in February (an odd freaking word), but I’ve decided things are starting to return to normal. I’m not entirely sure this is based on fact, but I’m rolling with it anyway.
I’ve decided my role in this part of my family’s life is to be the relentlessly optimistic one. I have to believe things will return to normal and everything will be okay. The alternatives range from scary as shit to straight up terrifying. I don’t even want to look those in the face, especially since there isn’t anything I can do to prevent them. I feel the beginnings of a panic attack at just skimming the surface of those ideas. So, I’ve decided not to borrow trouble and be positive. I wave at the tight knot of fear in my heart and push forward.
I don’t know if this is the best plan. I don’t know if it is the healthiest way to handle it. It’s what I’m doing until I further notice. (I think I just realized I still have a lot more unresolved emotions about what happened to my father than I thought.)
Okay, anyway, aside from that random last bit of crazy, things feel much happier. I am madly in love. I’m so madly in love it is kind of ridiculous. I feel a little like I’ve taken leave of my senses. It’s a bit like having normal emotions and turning them up to 11. (Tina will get the reference.) It’s wonderful and slightly terrifying, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Never before could I imagine how it feels to have someone so truly incredible think I’m incredible too. He doesn’t like me in spite of all of those flaws I list in my head (crazy, fat, insecure, awkward); he just accepts these things as part of me and cares about the whole bizarre package. Its like waking up one day and seeing color. We are almost a year together, and I still haven’t lost my wonder at it all. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will always visit me through out the rest of my life.
I hope that I’m writing again regularly. Every time recently I feel like I’m going to get back to it, something happens. Last week it was gross bronchitis. I lost my voice for several days. My parents were in heaven. I sat down to write last night and found everything else to do but write. I ran through all of the little inner demons and all of the internet. I finally forced myself to start. Those first 50-100 words are the hardest, but after that things get easier. Sometimes moving those fingers for those first words take a lot of effort.
I don’t know what happens next in life. I’m hoping for normalcy. I feel like I’m finding my footing again. I don’t know how long it will last. I need to keep trying though. Just keep swimming, right?
Geeks a Geeking