Bending Space and Time WITH MY MIND

So, yeah, caffeine

Lots and lots of caffeine

It isn’t all my fault. The world isn’t always friendly to day sleepers.

More importantly, the thing with my writing I’ve been trying to force finally happened. I’ve obviously been struggling with my writing for a few months now. Some of it was life, and I can’t help that. The creative stuff, though, kills me when it isn’t there. I’ve been pushing on this current project. I missed my characters. I missed my story. I wanted to write it, but every night I would sit down and try to reach for the story. It was like spinning gears. Something was just slightly off and, while everything spun, nothing worked together and moved. I kept forcing it, though, and Sunday night I figured out a tiny plot point that slid everything else into place.  My story makes sense. I know where I am going next. I’m so happy.

I’ve never hidden the fact I’m not happy when I’m not writing. I get frustrated because I feel like I should just be able to do it. My self worth is tied into what I do. I don’t like feeling like I’m not doing anything. I’ve been pushing and pushing and pushing trying to make it work, and finally, almost as an accident, I finally got it.

Between the sleep deprivation, the caffeine, and the hyper, I’m pretty sure I’m going to learn spontaneous human teleportation tonight.

An otter with an ice cream sandwich. How is this anything other than awesome?

I also decided to start working out again. I haven’t been happy with how my body feels for a long time. For me, it isn’t so much about weight, but more about how I feel. I’ve always been overweight, but for most of my life, I’ve felt strong. Several months ago I noticed that I am feeling weaker and weaker. I’m starting to feel my body is a trap. I can’t have that. It scared and depressed the shit out of me. I’ve found excuse after excuse to avoid making changes. I’ve dealt with little failure after little  failure, but yesterday I did my Pilates DVD. I’ve decided to go slow and make life changes bit by bit. I might write about it a lot. I’m sorry. I know it will get boring, but I have to feel accountable to someone. So, I’m being accountable to my blog friends. This week and next I’m going to do Pilates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. After these two weeks, I will see how my body feels, and I will add either walking at the park with my dog or riding the recombinant bike. I miss the joy of movement I feel when I work out. I might fail, but I hope I keep trying.

I’ve noticed that about my life. I have cycles of progress and stagnation. I fail a lot. I live a life full of good intentions and belief, but a lot of time I fail. I keep trying, though. I don’t know what else to do. Does everyone else feel like they are making up this shit as they go along, too?