Remember

Tuesday I was sick and asleep all day.

Thursday I was crazy busy and cranky as hell.

It happens.

I haven’t written anything since last week, so I’m going to miss my deadline for tomorrow. (I e-mail Tina all the pages I write in a week, aiming for at least ten.) I might get super productive tonight, but I doubt it. I’m cranky and hurting. I’m still struggling with some self loathing problems, and I still feel pretty worthless.

That said…

I no longer feel like I want to disappear. I no longer lay there at night and think about how if I did disappear, no one would notice for awhile, except my parents, but only because I wouldn’t be there to do something for them.

I’m pushing through this depression. Some days I’m me. I’m happy, positive, and hopeful. Some days are bad days. I feel so much pressure all of the time. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I feel like a big whiny asshole who just needs to cowboy up. Some days I want to disappear for a little bit.

That’s how this goes though. You push through the bad days and celebrate the good days. I have to remind myself that I really am under a lot of pressure right now, and I’m not just being weak. I have to remind myself that it is okay to have bad days. I have to tell myself it is not okay to disappear. I would be missed, and more than just because people need things from me. I have to try to remember that I am trying to do something worthwhile. I have to remember that I am worthwhile.

Some times I need to look for a baby corgi smile

Required monthly corgi to brighten your day

I know, I know I will make it through this and things will get better. I just have to remember it is okay to have bad days, but it is not okay to disappear.