So, apparently, from the reactions of people who love me and care about me, I seem very not okay.
Truth is, I had a rough week. I’ve had to be up early almost every morning this week and then to bed early. Things are more stressful than normal in the house and insane hormones and lack of sleep have made me less capable of handling it. Also, I’ve done virtually no writing because I can’t be awake at night.
Required monthly corgi. OH MY GAWD! IT’S SO FLUFFY
I just sent a Facebook message to a woman who showed me a level of kindness years ago that changed my life forever. I’ve wanted to finish writing something worthy of dedicating to her and her late husband. Anyway, in writing the message, I realized just how blessed I am.
In the middle of some things that dialed my family’s stress to eleven, my hormones flipped all the way out. I had every sign of early pregnancy except morning sickness, but all of those symptoms were normal for me when I’ve been off birth control for awhile and my body is trying to right itself. I peed on some sticks and they came up negative, but I still was scared, so I went and got a blood test done. No baby.
I had two or three days when the idea I might be having a baby was a real possibility. Those days were a emotional hurricane. I was scared. I was SCARED. Part of me was happy, though, and that surprised me. I would touch my stomach and wonder. I ran through plan after plan and figured out that my baby and I would be okay no matter what. I realized that if it came down to it, I would have loved that baby. The level of love I already felt shocked me, and it wasn’t even real.
I felt so guilty because it would be a terrible time to be pregnant. I knew deep in my heart the Viking would step up, but it is a really bad time for both of us. We simply have so much more we want to do before having a child. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a child. Now, I can go back to that ‘I should never breed’ bluster, but the truth is, I know beyond a doubt I want a child… Some day. It turns out everyone already knew this about me.
My parents were very stressed out already from things going on which will all be fine but are just stressful now in the moment, and they couldn’t be there for me. When I was with them, I felt terribly alone and like a bad person.
I had Tina and Renee and her mother and niece, though, so I wasn’t alone. As a society we like to joke about how catty and back stabbing women are, but the truth is, when one of our own is scared and hurt, we collapse together to make a cushion for one another. We hug each other. We understand one another. We understand the fear when we might be pregnant at a terrible time, and we also understand the desire to weep when we realize we aren’t.
I cried when the doctor told me my blood test came back negative. I’m crying now; not because I’m so desperate to have a child, because I’m honestly not, but there was a mourning of a loss of an idea or possibility of something that wonderful… and scary.
I had my safety net, my community, when I needed them. I don’t think I had ever felt that as profoundly as I did this week. The feeling of awe of the power of women wanting to take care of one of their own when they need it is stunning. I still don’t fully have words for it, other than thank you.
Now, I’m back to being VERY okay with being able to sleep late, not having to wipe noses or other body parts, and having some autonomy over my life. For now, anyway.
My life is an embarrassment of riches. It has its ups and downs, like everyone else’s life, but I am loved and cared for. I have people who reach out for me when they think I might not be okay. One of my friends texted me yesterday to make sure I was okay even though she had no idea any of this was going on. I love and I am loved, and because of that, everything else will be okay.
Especially, when I stop having to try to function in daylight.
Geeks a Geeking