So Much

I am writing a blog entry in my head that goes with “Strong Woman” but right now my brain is inundated with other crap to write it first. After I am done with this blog I will probably start writing it and try to get it right. There is just so much.

Most of life seems like this plodding succession of the sameness. I go through life making plans and trying to act on them while knowing life will change them for me. Not much of note happens while I am trying to go forth and save the world. Then, it is like the world explodes and many many things happen at once. It is so easy to get caught up in it and forget to stop and look at each little bit. I feel like I have to look at the “so much” because each thing is important in its own way and I have this crazy feeling that if I don’t pay attention I will miss something important.  The problem is it is hard to know how to tackle sorting “so much out.”

My heart is breaking for one of my Tina family. I want to hug her (not Tina) and make things better for her but I know I can’t.

Yesterday on my way to Wal-mart I suddenly filled with sadness and loneliness. Most of my life I never understood why people rushed from relationship to another. It always seemed silly and destructive. I get it now. I feel like part of me is missing and when I reach out to touch it and find nothing there it is almost unbearable. Stupid brain, stupid heart. I get better at being single again but it is going to really suck while I am relearning the skill. I do hate being the only single woman in Oklahoma over the age of 25. I bought Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers and I am working on an overdose. (Don’t judge me.)

Osama bin Laden is dead. All I can think still is “this is fucking huge.” I don’t feel elation. I just feel strange. I was in my second year of college when the twin towers fell. My entire adult life bin Laden has lurked in the background as some real-life boogeyman and now he is gone. I try to track the stories through time and honestly it doesn’t make it seem anymore real. I feel like we are on the precipice of something big as a country like when a big crowd has gathered and everyone is bracing themselves waiting to see if there will be a riot. I don’t know. So much could happen from this I just have to hope that this frenetic pace that the world has been moving at gives us a chance to stop and make wise decisions.  It is like watching dominoes fall but only being able to see two dominoes ahead. I fear the pattern that everything will make when all is said and done. It could just be the Twizzlers talking.

Then there is the storm. Those poor people. What else can you say other than I hope they don’t get forgotten amongst everything else.

In the end, there are still jobs to be found, white trash container gardens to be tended, houses to be cleaned, and blogs to be written.