Anyone who read Tuesday’s blog knew I was in strange place in my mind. I was sad and worn down. I could not gather the strength to be positive and optimistic. I did the best thing I knew how to do; I wrote. I wrote honestly and openly and I cried the entire time. I stayed moody all day and had to work hard to not yell at people. I play video games moodily. I did not know a person could play video games moodily but I managed to do it. I felt tired and done with it.
Yesterday, I woke up and made coffee. I checked around the interwebz. Then I decided to revisit my abandoned WorldTeach application. I had stopped working on it because I needed my transcript and I needed a resume. Things, of course, did not go smoothly with getting my transcript and I gave up because the process seemed too big. I had not looked at it in about a month until yesterday.
Yesterday when I went back I realized there were a lot of smaller things I could get done. Instead of concentrating on my transcript and resume I sent my two references the materials they needed to fill out. I printed out the essay questions. The questions are a bit complex and the essays are only 200-300 words so I would have to be concise. I am not so good at concise. I started to get a bit discouraged until I decided I did not have to write them immediately, I just had to start working on them in my head. Things seemed a lot easier.
I have tendency to be stubborn. (Shocker, right?) I have been trying so hard to do the right thing and be strong. I felt like I had to push to be strong and be healthy. I believe happiness is a choice and I believed I was not working hard enough for it. Tuesday it broke. I had nothing left. I admitted it and I felt it. There was no perky and positive left. Wednesday, I woke up and things seemed brighter.
The things I did yesterday seem small when I look at them. I got my references lined out and I started one of my essays. I worked out. I did some housework and I did some things with some pictures. I made steps though and that is the most I have done in a few weeks. I felt hopeful and stronger.
Today there is still hope. I still feel like I can handle the things I need to do. I don’t know how long it will last. I am pretty sure I will go through more whiny bitch patches. I just love that I know for sure there is something better behind them. I’m excited that I might stop writing these wordy, self-introspective posts. I am excited to be excited again. So, for today at least, I am happy. I am going to enjoy it and figure out how to handle what comes next when it comes.
I also promise Saturday’s blog won’t be so crappy angry teenage poetry. Even I am bored with my own angst.
1 comments
I just got out of a spell like that. At work, at home, every single thing seemed insurmountable! It was easier to just play spider solitaire all day than to try and do anything. But yeah, all it takes is breaking something down and doing one tiny thing. And then realizing that tiny thing wasn’t so bad, so maybe you can do two tiny things…and so on, and so on. 😛 Depression sucks, but it doesn’t have to last forever.