I Live!

So, I am no longer mostly dead. I still feel like crap, but it is a much more manageable amount of crap. I have a feeling that I will be ready to get back to normal life by Monday, which is fantastic.

First a story about a funny dream I had: I was getting married (I know, crazy, right) and I was broke. I was driving around with a friend talking about canceling my wedding because it really is insane to try and have a wedding when you can’t afford one. I was stressing because I needed a dress and I wanted to get my hair done and I just couldn’t afford it. Then, I saw Kevin Bacon cutting someone’s hair on his front porch.

In the world of this dream, Kevin Bacon was also one of the world’s top hair stylist along with being a movie star. He was also a sucker for a wedding sob story and he agreed to do my hair for free, but we had to go to this international style expo that happened to be in town because he just didn’t have the equipment he needed on his porch. So, in this crowd of fabulously stylish and beautiful people, Kevin Bacon gave did my hair in this impossibly high art style.

The What Not to Wear people were also there and heard my broke-ass wedding story. They decided to help me out with a dress, but only after chewing me out for having my hair done. Apparently, Kevin Bacon gave me a 130,000 hairstyle and it somehow interfered with their show somehow. Ted Gibson, the stylist on WNW that I have a huge stylist/platonic crush on and I want him to do my hair and then go get coffee, was heart broken because he couldn’t do my hair.

The dream is as much of a mystery to me as it is to everyone else. I am pretty sure it was induced from all of the medicine I am on and the sleep deprivation. Whenever I could sleep, it brought strange ass dreams. Also, I clearly need to get back writing the moment I feel well enough, tonight I hope, and stop watching so much TLC.

I am watching too much CNN. I walk around grumbling in my own head about politics. Really, it is simple as implementing term limits, banning corporate contributions to political groups (including campaigns), and seriously limiting individual contributions. That would fix so much politically, especially if we made all high level government officials have open financials. It will never happen, but it would fix a lot.

I had some major chest congestion during this outbreak of the plague. I had times that I felt like I couldn’t pull in a full breath and it scared the living hell out of me. I never want to feel like that again.

It is time that I really try my best to get my health on track.

I am hesitant to write about it since I have made this decision so many times before and I have always failed. I start out with good intentions and then I let something derail me. The idea of writing about it publicly, then failing, frightens me. I don’t like failing, especially not publicly.

I have done so much in the past year, though, that I feel like this time it might stick. Maybe this time, I will make a plan and stick to it. So here it goes, I am making it public.

I want to work out everyday, even if it is just for fifteen minutes. I know you are supposed to take days off, but days off tend to make it harder for me to keep it up, and I actually really enjoy working out.  I can’t let myself get derailed by anything short of illness.I know I have certain triggers for stopping. My main two are my period and going to Tina’s house even though exercise will help with my menstrual crap and Tina tries her best to be supportive of me exercising.

No more wussing out because of PMS and when I go to Tina’s I will set time aside to Zumba on her Kinect. Commitment made.

Okay, other demon: food. I have a major soda addiction, and I need to get over it. I had told myself only one soda a week, but now I think I should say no soda. I am also going to my food intake for the next day every night, including snacks, and stick to it. I am going to find a more healthful balance of food I love and food that is good for me. There is my second commitment.

I have this silly little dream that I almost can’t write about. I want to run. I can’t really explain why, but I do. If I was being chased I could run now, but I want to get myself in better shape so on May 1st I can go to for a run.  I guess that is my third commitment. May 1st, I run.

It is strange that it is so hard to talk about this publicly. I have shared so much with this blog, including nitty gritty stuff people asked me why I would share. It has been such a hard road for me to accept myself, and I have worked so hard to poke at my vulnerable, messed up bits, but I have come so far with it. Somethings are hard to be honest about.

I am not my weight. I am beautiful just how I am. I deserve love and happiness right now. I am uncomfortable sometimes because I feel like I hulk over people around me. I want to wear a short skirt before I turn 35 and look hot in it. I want to run. People who judge me and treat me poorly because of my weight are the ones in the wrong, not me. I am not less of a person because I am overweight, and I do not deserve scorn. It is time I take control and work on being even more of my best possible me.

(I don’t plan on this blog becoming all about my weight issues. Since the commitment is made, this adventure in getting healthier will naturally show up more in my writing, but I refuse to become my weight loss, just like I refuse to become my weight now. People who only talk about how much they exercise or how well they eat drive me batty.)