One of Those Days

I feel this awkward inside right now

I think because I’m sick with whatever bug is going around (seriously, I’m beginning to think I WILL be patient zero for the plague that wipes out the world), and it is that time of year where I get depressed, I’m having one of those days. I feel ugly, useless, whiny, and like a waste of people. I start to doubt my dreams and believe maybe I should give up and be more realistic. I feel like anyone who cares about me or thinks I’m special is going to peek in and see that I’m a fraud.

Honestly, I feel kind of worthless. Its hard to admit, but it is exactly how I feel right now. And I know it is just a short term thing. I will start to get over it very soon. In the words of the venerable Bloggess: depression lies. It just sucks right now. I’ve went through it much worse than right now. I think most people around me wouldn’t even guess I was having these emotions. I could continue to fake it, and no one would be the wiser. In fact, that would probably be the smart thing to do. We all know my relationship with the smart thing.

It’s all silly. I know I’m smart, friendly, kind, loving, funny, and, yes, beautiful in my own goofy way. I know it is chemicals in my brain flipping out. I know I will cry a little bit after I finish writing this, and then I will refocus on one of the things I’ve got going on and continue to claw out of this crap.

I have a wonderful life filled with love and happiness. I’m lucky to have so many people who take me as is. Loving is easy; learning to be loved is the hard part. Feeling worthy of the praise and affection of those who care about you is difficult. Like I said, I always feel like a fraud. I can’t be that person people tell me I am: you guys can’t possibly be seeing the real me. Most of my friends have stuck with me for years now, through many incarnations of Selina, which is plenty of time to see the real me. You’ve stuck around, so it must mean I’m not a fraud.

I don’t know. I need a nap and a night of writing. Things will be better. They always are after I start writing about them.

Thank you guys for being here with me.

When you feel ugly, it helps to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and thinks you are gorgeous. Tina does this for me.