Holy shiv, I just mixed a little rum with some no sugar added vanilla ice cream. It was like the hand of some deity coming down and blessing me with rum goodness. And, no, it wasn’t a lot of rum. I’m just a goofball.
So, yeah, I realized I slammed some bitch down on Thursday and then didn’t write anything at all on Saturday. My bad. Things were getting to me on Thursday. I didn’t handle them like a grown up. I sent Tina some text message that were like a foul-mouthed three year-old throwing a fit. Saturday I was just blargh.
If you guys haven’t noticed my life has been a little upheaval-y lately. Between my sicknesses, other’s sickness, surgery, near death experiences, hospital stays, and recuperation, I’ve been out of whack since the beginning of December. It is just how life is, and sometimes my ability to roll with it breaks. Most of the time I’m a pretty happy person then I just have times I’m not.
I’m going to admit something I’m afraid to even say to myself: I fear that I might be bi-polar.
Logically, I know being bi-polar is not the end of the world. I’ve seen people I love struggle with it, but I know a lot more people who live well with it. I also know logically that my ups and downs are not as bad as most true bi-polar people. My nature is to be happy but I have jacked up brain chemistry that makes me depressed sometimes. I think I worry that my moods are more dramatic than other people because I am so introspective and I made the decision two years ago to be true to my emotions. I also think my emotions aren’t stronger than other people’s, I just feel like they are because I’m not in everyone else’s brain. It’s kinda like how we all feel like a weirdo.
I still worry a little about my writing fits when I work without proper sleep for days until I’m either done or just exhausted. I worry it’s little mania fits. I want to brush it off as being a creative person. I don’t know. I probably think about all of this too much. I feel like I write about being nuts waaaay too much.
Anyway…
Back on track:
I’ve been off kilter because life does that. Circumstances changed so I could stay up until 4 a.m writing last night. It was wonderful. I felt my characters again. I felt the story. The stage fright went away quicker. It felt good. I’ve been excited all day to get to writing tonight. (I fully expect a bit of procrastination.)
I think my happiness is just dependent on being a night person and writing. Too bad so many people need me to be a day walker at times.
Geeks a Geeking