Prepare Yourselves!

I made a big decision about two weeks ago. As of tomorrow, I’m not adding sugar or artificial sweeteners to anything I consume. I’m not going to drink any more sugar-y or artificially sweetened drinks. I’ll still use my Wal-mart brand light vanilla soy milk in my coffee, but I’m going to drink unsweetened tea or water aside from that. I’m also cutting out all sweets.

There are a few reasons for this decision, but it boils down to I have too much sweet foods and drinks in my diet. I find myself adding progressively more Splenda things to make them sweet enough, and I’m craving candy/sweets more than I have ever before. I feel like if I can go one month with my sugar intake being a bare minimum, I can basically reset myself to healthier levels.

I’m not going on a diet. I’m not cutting out carbohydrates all together. I’m trying one change at a time. I want to eat more healthfully without turning diet and exercise into the focus of my life. I’m going to try a lot of things, one at a time, and I might fail, but I’m going to try.

I’m also going to fight my family for control over the television for 30 minutes a day so I can restart Pilates. After about a month of regular Pilates, I’m going to add in other forms of exercise, probably walking or recumbent biking. I’m not going to track everything obsessively like I did for that 6 weeks last year, but I am going to make changes.

It’s funny I decide to make these changes when I feel sexier, more beautiful, and more powerful than I have in my life. I’m just not happy with the way my body feels right now. For the first time in years, my body feels weak. My back hurts a lot. I just want to feel better.

For the first time in my life, I’m making changes for myself, not so I can  feel more worthy of love or to fix something that is wrong with me.

No matter how much I never admitted it to myself, I’ve never felt worthy of love. I’ve never felt like anyone would find me attractive or want to sleep with me. Every time I’ve tried to lose weight it was to fix myself so I would finally be worthy.

Not this time. This time it is for me.

I have a loving, kind, wonderful boyfriend who makes me feel cherished and sexy as hell. I feel beautiful. I don’t feel like I need to be fixed. Maybe, this time, my changes will stick. Maybe I will be able to be healthier.

I might fail.

So what?

I’ve learned failure isn’t the worst thing in life; atrophy is. I just need to keep trying.

So, prepare yourselves. I might be crankier than normal in March. I might write a lot about food and exercise. I might bitch. I might fail. I have to try.