Is It Supposed to Do That?

I am officially the most disgusting human being on earth, and it is because of horny plants.

I never really understood the big deal about allergies when I was younger until about three or four years ago. Now I get it.

Allergies are big, flaming, bag of douche. Just like horny teenagers punish the world with their stupid antics, horny plants are driving my head bat shit crazy.

I’m constantly oozing from either my nose or my eyes. The eye ooze is not just tears, like I foolishly used to think, but it is some sort of gross mix of tears and quick dry cement. It builds up on my lashes in the night that some morning I have to put a wet cloth on my eyes for a few minutes to un-rubber cement them.  I also didn’t know the human body could create this much snot. I feel like I should just tie a towel under my nose to save effort and trees. “Oh, this? This is my snot towel. I’m reducing my carbon foot-print because I love polar bears… served with barbecue sauce.” hahahahaha Okay, in my defense, I am trying to find that line between enough anti-histamines and altered consciousness or overdose.

I had to go to Sam’s Club in Norman today. (My dad decided it had to be done today, so, yeah.) I kept pulling out napkins from my pocket and trying to stem the faucets. Old people kept giving me dirty looks. I wanted to yell “HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE PLAGUE BEFORE?” even though I think some of them were around for the crusades. I can’t breathe through my nose long enough to take my temperature. I also think I broke my left ear. Last night I was waiting for my eardrum to pop while fighting the urge just to stab the motherfucker with a pen. It is better today.

Ugh.