I haven’t really written a true blog in a bit. Things have just been… interesting.
Last week I went to the psychiatrist who works with the facility I’m getting my therapy from. I decided to try something new for my depression and anxiety. Medicine changes are ALWAYS full of fun, and I’m still kind of scared.
A little voice in my head says the Prozac worked fine, and I’m stupid to try other things. Truth leaks in, reads my blog, and says “Sister, you are full of shit.” The Prozac did well enough, but I think there is a chance I could do a lot better. I get annoyed at people accepting “good enough” when they good have better. If nothing works better than the Prozac then I will adapt, but I feel like I need to try.
The fun part is the adjustment period. Mental health medicines take awhile to work. So, I stopped taking Prozac, and now I’m in the awesome duration it takes for the new medicines to take full effect. I started Friday. Starting Saturday I’ve woken up in debilitating pain, and I was afraid if I didn’t clench my jaw hard enough I would just start screaming or crying or both unless I was talking to the Viking. He is the stone I can put my hand on to reassure myself I’m safe. My bravery is much easier to find when I know I can reach back and he will tell me that I can handle anything.
Yesterday was really bad. He called me before water aerobics, and that made it easier, but most of the day I chanted to myself, “if I can make it to the water, I’ll be okay.” My father has always told me Navy SEALs instinctively know where the nearest body of water is because water meant safety. Part of that leaked into me. Just sitting by a fountain makes me happier and more calm. Everyday since I’ve started the classes, I step into the water and calm seeps in. The ladies (and two gentlemen) are wonderful. They accepted me without question or reserve, and I feel safe.
I love Minions, and I love inappropriate humor. This picture is perfect.
Last night, though, I was in a bad place, so I stayed after and just swam some laps. I love being underwater. Sounds that are loud and sharp above the water are soft and indistinct underwater. They feel like they mix with the water to be part of the warm diffusion. Because that is what being under water is, a diffusion of everything, thoughts, feelings, sound, light. It all softens and mixes and surrounds you and holds you up. It feels safe and calm.
I felt more like I could breathe when I came out.
Later that night, the Viking and his Tina took care of me. We talked and played video games. They were there for me. They helped me unclench my jaw.
Today, I’m better. I have hope. I’m still in a lot of pain. I have no idea why. I’m still a little edgy, but I’m not angry. I’m not afraid if I open my mouth at the wrong time screaming and crying will come out instead of words. I’ll count it as a win.
As of last Thursday, I had lost 8 pounds. I weigh again next Thursday. If the number is even lower I’ll be happy, but right now, I’m working hard to take care of myself. If the number isn’t any lower, I’ll still count it as a win.
Geeks a Geeking