The Anti-Goal and Other Fabulous Things

Last week I finally finished the Viking’s wonky blanket. It felt wonderful to actually complete something. It felt even more wonderful when I realized he probably really liked it.

Now let’s hope it doesn’t fall apart. I might buy him some superglue.

Random side note: I found these pictures on my phone while I was dealing with the blanket photo. I think they are kind of awesome.

Now, down to the real business, I had a discussion with Tina and my therapist (the two used to pretty much be one in the same, but I got an actual therapist at Tina’s behest), and I decided some things. Mostly, screw New Year’s resolutions.

My goal is to make an effort to be happy, really genuinely happy. I’m going to work to be healthier. I don’t just mean weight, I mean as a person.

I set myself up for failure by giving myself these artificial goals I never reach. I gather guilt to myself like a mother duck does her babies. I need to learn to release that. I still want to have goals, but they need to be mine, and they need to come without guilt. If I want to be physically more healthy, I need to not worry about counting the food that goes in my mouth or the minutes I work out. I need to reevaluate the way I view food. That will bring far more change to my life than counting calories. Instead of freaking out about how much I weigh or hating my body, I need to change my relationship with my body. I need to work out to take care of this beautiful part of me. I need to exercise out of love for myself, not out of hate and shame for what I am.

I need to stop apologizing for stupid shit. No, I’m not sorry I have emotions. We are supposed to have them. (I do believe apologizing if my reactions to my emotions unduly hurt someone. We are responsible for our emotions and our reactions to them, but we only apologize when we use them to hurt others.) I’m not apologizing for being crazy. I have health issues. I don’t expect a heart patient to apologize for their condition. I shouldn’t apologize for mine. No more shame for my emotional baggage. Everyone has it, and I’m trying to deal with it as healthfully as I can.

My therapist said something about building up a wall around ourselves with “I’m sorry.” I trap myself into believing I am fundamentally flawed with apologizing for who I am. Fuck that noise. I will apologize for what I do. I will apologize for hurting others, but I will not apologize for who I am. 

I will never be perfect.

I’ll fuck up.

No more guilt

Just love