A lot of things have been true in my life lately.
I’m on a weird and intense origami kick.
BOOM paper flower
This Christmas was one of the best of my life.
The week between Christmas and January 2nd was amazeballs.
I got insanely fucking sick because I started getting sick a few days before NYE and refused to slow down until January 2nd. My NYE date with the Viking was too damn important to let something like no voice and concrete in my lungs stop me.
I also started to do some intense self hate.
It’s the same old shit. I get kind of bored with the same ol’ demons in my head. Sometimes I almost wish one would swap out for a new one, just for something new and fresh. The failure demons are the particularly strong ones right now. I feel like I’m a waste of a people, blah blah blah, I haven’t done anything with my life, blah blah blah, if I stopped existing tomorrow the world wouldn’t be any the poorer (this voice scares me and my mom does a really amazing job of helping me shut it up), but the one which lingered most heavily and is the loudest and meanest is the one which hisses I always either fail or never finish everything I start.
Like I said, the same old demons with the same tired story.
I was wrestling that last demon hard about three days ago. I make grand plans and begin life changes all the time. I do almost always fail or give up. Sometimes it festers in as self loathing or is used as evidence in all my other demons’ voices.
I spent the last year of my life stationary. I couldn’t do much because of injury and pain, and now my stamina is gone, my pain is worse in the rest of my body, and I’m broken down. I feel like a car on cinder blocks. I have to fix it. I have to build my body back up. I decided to try working out for a ridiculously small amount of time a day and just adding more to it as I can.
First demon: embarrassment and shame. These are useless and pointless demons, and I’m getting pretty good at fighting them.
Second demon: the big demon, the voice telling me I will inevitably either quit or fail. This crashed and roared inside of my head until I asked myself about my alternatives.
Really, what am I supposed to do? Stop trying things to improve my life? That… That doesn’t really feel like me. I mean, I HAVE to start things in order to improve my life, right? But if I always fail or give up…
So my brain did this loop thing for a second. I have to start things in order to do anything with my life, but I always fail or give up. I could tell myself I could start something and just insure I don’t fail or give up, but even my twisted brain parts know that isn’t realistic. So either I start something to improve my life and fail or give up, or I stop trying anything. Not trying sounds too scary. It sounds too much like conscious death.
Failing or giving up suddenly doesn’t sound that bad.
So the fuck what if I fail or give up?
I’ll probably give up or fail at this whole micro work-out thing eventually. I’ll probably abandon origami. I feel like I know I’ll write another book, but I’ll quit and fail a lot before I do. I’ll probably quit or fail almost everything I try for the rest of my life. I could get upset and rack up some quality self-loathing or I can accept it as a given before and start anyway.
BOOM paper dragon! Flap, flap, flap!
Geeks a Geeking