Why I would fail at Thanksgiving.

I know I am almost 30. I get that. I know it means that I should have more of an idea of what a grown up woman does, but I am single and childless and I do zero entertaining. I go to other people’s houses for gatherings. Now, in my defense, when I go over to other people’s houses I help. Sometimes I even help a lot. I like feeling useful and I feel like everyone has a better chance at having a good time if we all split up the work.  I naively thought that this meant I had some clue what people put into a big Thanksgiving meal. I was wrong.

I went looking around on the interwebs looking for inspiration for this morning’s blog. I was looking at recipes again since looking up turkey recipes lead to so much I did not know. I learned something today too. People are flipping crazy! First there is Marny. http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/ Trust me, you want to read Marny. It will make anything you have to put up with when dealing with your family seem less terrifying.

Lists, apparently Thanksgiving is all about lists. I found lists for shopping, for prep work in the week before the meal, detailed day of schedules, and things to do for Thanksgiving disasters.  I am simply not anal retentive enough for a proper Thanksgiving.

I find the post on Thanksgiving disasters kinda funny because I can tell these things really flip people out.  I can see someone crying and throwing dishes because the turkey is dry. My definition of a Thanksgiving involves hospital trips or emergency vehicles.  A lesser disaster is a huge family blow up ending in tears and life long grudges. Anything short of fires, stabbings, burns, or huge drama fits are just a minor inconvenience.

“Shit, I burned the rolls!”

“Lets go to Taco Bell”

I had to look up cranberry chutney because it kept coming up on Thanksgiving menus. I gathered from context it was like cranberry sauce but I was not sure. The description I got has me picturing a cranberry salsa, sans the normal salsa stuff like tomatoes, peppers, or spices. Its kind of strange and awkward.  My idea of classing up cranberry sauce is putting it in a pretty bowl and squishing it down to get rid of all the can lines.  Marney would have a fit. READ MARNEY.

In theory I can get behind pie. I mean it is pie. I guess if you were one of those psycho skinny people who fear that if they eat anything that is not celery they will explode into orca proportions you would not support pie, but all in all most normal humans support pie atleast every once in awhile. I learned that I am a pie amateur. Pie is srs bsns. God forbid your crust is soggy too. Shit, that is the end of the world. As far as I am concerned, the crust is just extra calories that I might or might not eat. This is blasphemy to the Thanksgiving Nazis out there. I also never brine my turkey so I guess I am just Thanksgiving fail all around.