I Really Did That To Myself

I am still at Tina’s house because I am in quarantine. My stomach is very angry with me.  Tina and her kids are both fine but her mom seems to have something like this too. I can only think it is one of several things:  a virus that doesn’t affect the strong or children under the age 10, I heard her mom was sick and thought myself sick (let us be honest, it IS within the realm of possibility), my body decided it hates me, or I am patient zero for the coming zombie apocalypse.  If it is the last option, Tina has a chainsaw so it is all good.

So this ailment has been here for a few days and I am trying not to whine so much that Tina smothers in my sleep. I tried both not eating and eating only things that would be gentle on my stomach. I learned it really doesn’t make a difference, no matter what I do my stomach is still pissed and I am hungry and pissed that I am not eating my birthday cake. In my standard logical and rational style, I have decided to take the tiny increase in pain and eat when I am hungry.  I handle pain better when I am not also hungry. It also decreases my chance of being such a bitch that Tina poisons me and blame’s my kitten like immune system. Just saying.

Speaking of being a total masochist, I read Twilight. I started last night and finished about an hour ago. Okay, I need to explain some stuff first.

I have this pretentious belief that you shouldn’t judge books, movies, music, etc unless you have heard it. I am generally pretty good at sticking to this unless it is Twilight or Jersey Shore. I still feel okay making fun of Snooki because I feel seeing her terrible tan is enough. Twilight, though, I had only seen internet stuff making fun of it. I hadn’t read the books or watched the movies. I still couldn’t help myself from making fun of it.

When I started to take myself seriously as a writer, people told me that I needed to read the books so I could see what was so popular. I shrugged it off. Secretly, I was a bit resistant to reading it because of an irrational fear that it might not be as bad as everyone thought it was and I would have to eat crow. I decided not to read it.

Two weeks ago, though, that changed. I was in my living room and made a crack about Twilight. My mom (one of the major people trying to get me to read the series) looked at me with an arched eyebrow and asked: “Well, Selina, have you read them?”

“No”

“Then you can’t make fun of them, then can you?”

“Fuck.”

Tina has the books. (It is not her fault, so don’t judge her.) After I ran out of the library books I brought with me, I uttered a phrase I never imagined I would say. “Can I borrow your Twilight books?” I am pretty sure that is actually what brought on the earthquakes.

I have finished the first one. I am going to read all four. Tina only has the first three so I am going to find the fourth somewhere. I know our library has them, but I will have a hard time looking my library friends in the eye while checking it out. I am a book snob, a literary hipster even, I admit it. My shame burns bright. I will probably handle Lanell judging me a lot better than actually spending money on the book.

So, about my secret fear that I would like the book and have to eat crow, it was completely unfounded. I am not going to go on at any length at why the books were bad. People have done it before with far more skill than I ever will. I can see that Stephenie Meyer had some really cool ideas but she just got in the way of them. I do have to make fun of one little thing , though, when Edward is trying to explain why he love Bella to Bella, all he can come up with is that she smells like great food and she is warm. Basically, he loves her because she is the vampire equivalent of chocolate cake.

Holy shit, I have been searching for all the wrong things in men. I just need a man who has a normal body temperature and smells like chocolate and bacon.