I wanna be a worgen

So I got the suggestion to write at least a few of my blogs this month about WoW for people who don’t play WoW. Once upon a time, when Tina only had one child, she and I considered writing a noobs guide to warcraft. We had a few epic coffee fueled working sessions at the Ihop but the idea never fully panned out.  I think it is an idea worth revisiting and I am going to make some starts on it this month. I still want to do the illustrations.

Anyway, my last blog gave the readers an idea of the different lands of World of Warcraft. I think I should explain the different races available for WoW players.

Factions: There are two different “factions” that you have to chose from first, Alliance and Horde.

Alliance are the prettier races. Horde players look at Alliance players much like normal people look at the hardcore Twilight fans. And yes, some alliance races do sparkle.

Alliance Races:

Humans: They are, well, human. They have a racial (a racial is a perk given to each race for being that race) that helps them gain reputation faster than other races. (Rep is your standing with different groups within the game, gaining rep gives you rewards and also acts as an effective time sink and outlet for anal retentive tendencies.) Human males tend to look a bit ridiculous but they can have some awesome mustaches. Human females have huge boobs and tiny butts. I fail to find much remarkable about humans except that human females have a god awful dance. The Macarena should have been left in the last century. Their home city is Stormwind.

Dwarfs: Stoutly built, booze guzzling, treasure hunting residents of Ironforge. They are pretty much like every dwarf character you have ever seen, in other words, epic.  I am very partial to dwarfs because they have so much character and the females have some hips and ass to match their massive boobs. The males dance a Russian like dance and the females River Dance. Dwarfs are the adventurers in the game, always getting in trouble and digging up something new somewhere random. One of their racial traits is treasure finding.

Gnomes: Pint sized packages of awesome. Gnomes are the cute race of the game. They have tiny bodies and huge heads and hands and they look like babies being tossed around when they jump. They are the builders and engineers for the Alliance. They have a racial that allows them to escape from traps and they booty dance. What else could you want? Gnomes used to be refugees in Ironforge since their home city got taken over by crazed robots, irradiated gnomes, and troggs but with the Shattering they started to take back their own home city of Gnomergan.

Draenei: They are the “space goats.” They are the ones that crashed into Azeroth with their ship that became their home city of Exodar. The male draenei dance is one of the most awesome in the game. Youtube it sometime. They have horns and hooves but still manage to look hot. Their racial is an added chance to hit their opponents with their attacks and a heal over time which is only mildly effective.

Night Elves: My least favorite race in the Alliance and the race I am forced to play for now. As of right now, only night elves can be druids. (I will explain classes in a later post.) Night elves are tree dwelling pretty hippies. They make their home in Darnassus. Many lonely teenage boys play night elf females so they have mental images for later in the night. The females have a really slutty dance and the males dance like Micheal Jackson. The males are also pretty with broad shoulders and itty bitty tiny hips. They wear loin cloths for the love of god. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish male night elves from female night elves when they are in robes. Their main racial is that they turn into wisps when they die. Basically, when a night elf dies they turn into a little glowing ball instead of a ghost and move faster back to their bodies. You know your race is lame when your biggest racial trait is anticipating your death.

Worgens: Worgens are a race of werewolves that are coming to the Alliance with the Cataclysm. They are the alliance’s “monster” race. They can also be druids! They have some really cool lore and I haven’t seen their dances yet so lets just say that I will post more on them later in the month.

Horde: This is the faction without all the pretty races. Until the release of the Burning Crusade and the appearance of blood elves they lacked a truly typically aesthetically pleasing class so Horde players generally considered themselves as more serious players and superior to those stupid pretty Alliance player who only play so they can dress up all sparkly. They did have less obnoxious fifteen year old players because of the more monstrous look of the races but then blood elves came out and some of our twits hopped factions to the Horde.  My knowledge of the horde is going to be underwhelming since they are not my main faction.

Orcs: They are big, green, muscular and scary as hell. The race’s lore is central to the game and is pretty freaking cool. Their leader was Thrall who is one of the biggest bad asses in the game. Orgrimmar is their home city that they share with the trolls.  The males are majorly impressive and the females are god awful ugly.

Taurens: These are the cow people of the Horde. Their culture is modeled after nomadic cultures. Their home city is Thunderbluff and they were the more humorous race for the Horde. Both males and females have awkward but epic dances. They aren’t monstrous like the orcs, they just aren’t wet dream material like some of the Alliance races.

Trolls: These are a tall lanky race with tusks and three toes. Their culture is very Caribbean. The males’ dance is based on capoeira which is a martial art form. They share the same lands as the orcs.

Blood Elves: These are the pretty, evil assholes. They were added to the game with the Burning Crusade. Everything about the blood elves is pretty. Silvermoon City is the blood elves home city and it is decorated like a opium den/ whorehouse. The most awesome thing about the blood elves is the male dance. Blizzard gave them the Napoleon Dynamite dance. Also, the game itself makes fun of how pretty the males are. Blizz knew what they were creating and decided to have some fun with it.

Goblins: These guys are coming in Cataclysm. They are short, green, brilliant mayhem makers. They are masters at blowing shit up and making deals. Think of them like explosive toting Ferengi. I have yet to find something that isn’t cool about the goblins.

I would promise a run down of the classes you can play in World of Warcraft on Tuesday but realistically it is the first day of the new xpac and I am pretty sure I will be too dazed to write much. I do promise one eventually though.