I realized today I am about half done with my second draft of my book. I also realized that I have a niece coming on April 2nd. I want to have my second draft done before my sister is done brewing my new baby. So, I am going to try to work really hard for the next two months and get it done.
That means that I won’t have as much brain power to put into my blog. After I finish my next section I am going to Tina’s for a few days to recharge a bit then I am diving back in. I keep being haunted by this gasping fear that I will never get it done, and the way to get it done is to refocus and get it done.
Everything else is going to have to suffer a bit. My blog will probably less spectacular because I am not going to force myself to write 500 words when they are going to be boring 500 words about my dog. I do promise to post something on the blog days, even if it is a few funny observations and a funny picture. I figure that a short funny blog is better than hundreds of painful words. It might also take me longer to become a rocking sex kitten from Mars because I will have less emotional energy to put into exhausting myself with stressing out about food and trying to kill myself with exercise. I will have a book. It is worth it to me.
Right now my life is a huge act of faith. I have devoted myself wholly to something with no tangibles. My self-worth has always been based on measurable things like grades or pay checks. I don’t have that now. I feel like I am chasing this intangible dream of becoming a writer with abstract ideas like success. I don’t have a paycheck to proudly plunk down showing that I contributed and I’m not getting grades. All I have to bolster me that I am not wasting my time is the faith I have and others have in me.
I’m scared shitless.
But I am going to push on and get this book done, so I can grip tightly to this one thing, this one tangible thing. Soon, when the doubt comes back, and I feel like I am doing something stupid and I should give up and get a real job, I can feel good about that one thing. I will have that one concrete success.
On a completely random note:
I saw a L.L Bean edition Subaru Outback, and a tiny piece of me wanted to key it. Does that make me a terrible person?
Geeks a Geeking