The Love in My Life

First order of business today: Valentine’s Day. I think most people are expecting me to be depressed or grumpy like I have been in past years. Nope, I am thankful.

Last year, I had a boyfriend and Valentine’s Day sucked worse than when I was single. If I can’t be with a man who cares as much about making me happy as I do him, I would prefer to be single.

I have had a grand total of two Valentine’s Days when I wasn’t single. One was fantastic and, one was terrible. I have had more strange and wonderful Valentine’s Days when I was single.

My first year of college, my roommate Lynsie put a note on her prized stuffed animal and knocked on the door then dashed a way. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me on Valentine’s Day.

Another year, I was at a greasy spoon diner studying for a massive Shakespeare test I had when this really attractive man asked to sit with me. I never saw him again, and if another friend hadn’t seen him, I might have thought I made it up in my own damn head. We talked for several hours about everything. It was strange and wonderful.

Tina and David took me out year before last. I wasn’t single, but I was e-dating the last ex-boyfriend, and I wouldn’t have done much otherwise. They are the reason that Valentine’s Day was wonderful. Them and the excitement I felt at being in love on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t the boy, it was my friends and myself.

This year, I am single again. I woke up to a small box of chocolates and a card that my dad bought for me. (I managed to eat all six and still make it work in my calorie budget because I am becoming a food managing ninja, bitches.) I logged on to my game and played a character that was wearing awesome pants that Tina and Dave got for me for Valentine’s Day.  Then, I went on to Facebook and found that my friend Sara posted this:

How can you see this face and not have your heart melt?

to my page because whenever she sees a corgi, she thinks of me because they make me so happy.

I don’t know if I will ever find a husband, or have children, but I do know I will never want for love in my life. I have more love in my than some married people I have known.

Things might not work out the way I planned, but they always work out.

Second order of business: things rarely work out like I planned.

I am the queen of trying to jam a square peg in a round hole. (Make all the dirty jokes you want, I did.) I was doing that yet again.

After struggling for weeks trying to get a section done with my book, my mom pointed out to me that something was glaringly wrong, and I had to change major details on the entire last half of my book. I was a little devastated yesterday, but I knew I could handle it. Last night I was up until 5 am re-outlining the last half of my book and figuring things out. I am basically going to have to write a whole new first draft for the back half. It is daunting, and yesterday it was incredibly disheartening.  I knew I had no choice but to do it.

My choices are: fix it, making it far better in the process, or quit and not finish that book. The second choice is not happening. I am finishing the book, damn it, even if it isn’t wonderful, profound literature, I am finishing it. If I can’t find a publisher, I will put it on Amazon. Even if it doesn’t sell any copies, I will have a book out for sale.

But, I am stepping back and accepting that it will take the time it takes. I hear you, Universe, I will stop rushing shit and making arbitrary time limits. As long as I am moving forward and working hard for a goal, I will be happy with what I do.

Yeah, and it is really hard to be too devastated after writing that first section that I just wrote. It is all about perspective people. Sometimes, I need it.

Third bit of business: I have some ideas bubbling in the front of my brain but they are all half formed. They are right there but I can’t quite get them. I have a feeling I need to have a long session of mumbling to myself while doing something mindless. It is a little frustrating but it will come when it comes. Yes, Universe, I heard you, damnit.