Tag Archives: blogging

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*Cringe*

HEY! Napping is a VITAL part of the writing process

Note on the picture: I have a pink IPod like the one the pig has. I hate it with a passion. On down moments from writing, I will plot new and innovative ways to bring its destruction.

So, I am in a strange position that I haven’t been in a long time. I should have foreseen it, but you know how me and common sense work. We have a fleeting love affair every once in awhile, but mostly we remain with our orbits barely intersecting in places. For the first time in a long time, I know someone is reading my blog that is new to me, and I actually give a crap what they think of me.

I know people read this. Most people I know who read it, I know are aware I am this strange person bumping through the world, and I know you guys love me anyway. The rest of the people who read this are lurkers or strangers. It is easy to be all brave and militantly open when you know people either love you, or they are strangers. I haven’t been worried about a reaction to a blog since “Strong Woman”, and suddenly I find myself thinking over everything I have written over the months, and covering my face with my palm.

I was thinking about what to write today, and I always came back to this thought. I had this safe but interesting post planned in my head about me trying to stick to this new idea of discussing and listening instead of debating. That seemed so safe, but so very not what I am about.

I have this aspect of my personality that I play chicken with myself. I have a lot of weird fears and insecurities, like everyone, and sometimes I bump up against one, and I dare myself to push it. I don’t know if this is a brave driving force thing or a stupid thing. It is probably both. I am forever scootching myself to the edge of my comfort zone just to prove to myself that I can. I see the potential for disaster.

So, the safe and sane thing would be to try to write a really cool treatise on how civil discourse works. Instead I am playing chicken with myself, and writing about feeling exposed and crazy.

Truth is, this blog is exactly me. That is the point of this blog, to be unabashedly me, because I know no matter how strange I feel, I know there are a lot of people like me. I wouldn’t suggest anyone else in the world being quite this open. I know I am taking this to an extreme, but I do that on purpose. I also know that ideally we reveal ourselves slowly to the people around us; giving the not so awesome bits wrapped with the really cool parts. All of my bits are out there, without awesome bacon wrappings.

The good thing is that I do know that anyone new who reads this, and still wants to be in my life, knows all of the crazy insecure bits, and still likes what they see. Anyone who reads this and flees, wouldn’t work with me anyway.

It still doesn’t keep me from cringing a little. Just a little though.

 
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Wait, It’s Saturday?

Good afternoon, morning, night, whatever. I have entered another strange period in my life where time has no meaning, and if it weren’t for blog days and sparkpeople.com telling me what day it was, I would have no clue what day of the week, much less what date. I am pretty sure I have lost track of what month I was in before. It happens when you are me.

Thursday, after I finished that blog I decided to shelve my romance novel  for a little while to work on a fantasy novel that I have been kicking around for awhile. The past several days have been a blur of me wandering around thinking about my new book. It is a fantastic feeling, if a bit disconcerting.

I will finish the first one. I have to keep telling myself that so I don’t feel like a failure, but that book and I were torturing each other.

My writing loves are blogging and fantasy. My blog is, and will always be, my first love. I believe in what I do here. I believe in fighting to bridge this strange disconnect that our society has built between our true selves and the image we are supposed to portray. I think we have lost so much beauty and joy because we are so focused on image and what others think of us. There are much worse things in life than being viewed as uncool, weird, or different, and we have forgotten that as a people. We have trapped ourselves with these ridiculous ideals of what we should be. We have also tried so hard to insulate ourselves from vulnerability that we have completely lost our ability to put ourselves out there and isolated ourselves from people. Being rejected sucks, being ridiculed hurts, but it won’t kill you, and the joys of loving yourself for who you are and being loved for your being your flawed self far out weigh any of that pain.

My other love is fantasy. Almost every story I have ever kicked around in my head has been a fantasy novel. I just love the genre so much for so many reasons. I have started so many fantasy stories but I always stop because I always felt intimidated by the magnitude of writing one. I decided to write a romance novel because I could write a crappy book and it be okay. I was aiming for cheesy crap. I think what I have is better than that and I still love many elements of the story, but I need to spend sometime on this project for a bit. I can only do things because I am supposed to do for awhile until I do what I am.

I will finish the first book. (I keep assuring myself of this.) I am not giving up because it is hard. (Another self assurance) This project switch is not a sign of failure; I did not fail. I am just diverting for a bit. (This is the shit I have to tell myself to not feel guilty. Don’t you love how neurotic I am?)

Also, switching projects means I get to buy another accordion file and I might use it to buy binder clips. I fucking LOVE office supplies. I will take any excuse I can find to buy them.  I am so strange.

Oh, my Oklahoma friends, you can sign a petition here to tell the state government we are against the personhood bill.  I am not going to preach any more about it, but I do think it is important that we know it is happening.  If you know other people in the state who would be against it, pass it on. Social media works and can change the world.

 
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Plans? Silly Woman!

In my mind, I was going to write this epic year in review post that was moving and insightful and summed up every awesome thing I have ever written. Turns out I did that already with my 100th Blog post.

Oh yeah, Kathleen linked this to me and, since this is my damn blog, I am embedding it here even though it has nothing to do with anything.

So I wrote out two paragraphs linking things. I hated those paragraphs. I am struggling with the idea of this blog but I think it is because I am working too hard to present a certain thing. I am not so good at that.

I feel like I have said everything I would say here many times before. The only thing I am going to say again is “Thank You”

My world lately has been so wrapped up in writing. When it comes time to blog, all I want to write about is writing, the things I want to write about, or Star Wars The Old Republic. I worry a lot about being interesting or funny or insightful. Mostly, I think I should stop worrying about that.

I forget sometimes that so much of my happiness comes from accepting myself and being as open and honest as I can be here. I forget sometimes that the reason why this blog works is because I am willing to write boring shit sometimes as an exchange for the honesty.  I forget to accept the crappy posts with the good posts.

I am pisssed right now because I am feeling so insecure. I am hoping that insecurity is a normal human emotion. I am working on the premise that it is cyclical and the only weapon we have against it is to see it and try to see why it is wrong.

The happy news is that I am not insecure about my writing. I finally finished revising my first chapter and I think it will be far easier from here on out. I went back and read a lot of my posts and it turns out that I have some pretty killer posts. I am feeling pretty good with my abilities.

I am feeling ugly. I hate admitting that. I hate admitting that I am feeling insecure about my looks. It feels like a silly thing to be insecure about. Logically, it makes no sense since insecurity makes you even less attractive, but when have I ever been ruled by logic?

I wasn’t going to write about it since it feels like whining and fishing for sympathy and compliments but it is blocking my ability to write about other things. Normally when I try avoid writing about something that is really bugging me, I get frustrated with the fake feel of my blog.

So here it is: I feel ugly and unattractive.

I know it isn’t true. I do really know this. I also think that it is normal for women to feel like this on occasion. It becomes an ugly cycle because we feel less attractive so we start to hide in ourselves and then we get lost in the dullness that we cover ourselves in and then we have to fight even harder to get back to the shiny we had going before something set off the ugly cycle.

I can’t think of anything in particular that set off the ugly cycle. I know I will recover my shiny soon. I think I need to get back to working out like I was before I got the stomach flu.  I like me better when I work out.

On a side note: I found post it notes. I love post it notes. I have an office supply compulsion but post it notes are a particular weakness of mine. I have neon yellow post it notes with my crazy five-year old scrawl covering the sides of my computer screen. Simple things, people, simple things.

Also, Tina is a silly and my site is the right amount of feminine for a site with goddess in the title. Plus, I like purple

 
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Can’t Stop The Awesome

Tina and I have a strange and beautiful creative dynamic. PROOF. I am going to start referring to us as the AwkwardEpic Duo because we make strange and wondrous things.

We found this on the internet today from here.

We laughed and laughed then went to the store. When we got home, we decided to make our own version. She played some Rift with her husband then set her tripod way up high, then I stood in front of the camera and talked about stuff. She took the footage and cut it into a brilliant video, and I captioned it. This is the result:

We think we are intensely clever, and we have come up with more video ideas.  Next time, I won’t have the typos. Okay, yes, I will have the typos.

 
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Spam, Little Dood, and Screw Drivers

So, today was going to be about writing, until something decided to install updates and I had to restart my computer. I used that time to decide that I should probably write about writing my book on my pen name’s website.

Instead you guys get pictures and a ramble! YaY for you!

I think I am the only blogger on Earth that reads their spam comments. Sometimes I find them entertaining. Sometimes I find them entertaining enough to even approve. It helps if they have names like penis enlargement or gun safety because I enjoy seeing those on my comments widget on my sidebar.  Gun safety told me I need to add more keywords in my blog titles, which is probably true, then told me they didn’t want to be an ass. I don’t know why, but I love it.

I did this strange time warp thing where I didn’t sleep again Sunday night. I took a short nap then kept writing. I went to bed last night really early and woke up many many hours later. One of three things is happening here: I hadn’t had iced tea in three days then drank it all day Sunday and the added caffeine kept me up, I am evolving into a new subspecies of humans that defy normal sleeping habits and run on a different biological clock, or my brain is just freaking out until I get this book finished. Come to think of it, it could be all three.

So I have two main distractions at my desk when I write, aside from the unholy interwebz, a tiny screwdriver that came with my external hard drive and a little jelly plastic monster dood. I took pictures!

I randomly come up with ideas for my zazzle shop. I need to start making images to put on things but I don’t really do images. (Yes, I know I just posted pictures but those won’t look good on a t-shirt. Holy shit I need a better camera.) I will think of something. I also need to start writing them down when I come up with them instead of hoping they stay in my head for when I sit down later to make them. I should know by now stuff doesn’t always stick in my head. (I will always remember that the Norman Invasion of England was in 1066 thanks to Dr. Hayden.) I am also trying to come up with a New Feminism T-shirt since I am on that path now. Maybe when I get my brain back. If I ever get my brain back.
 
Yep that is about of the it of my ramble. Have fun cats.

 

 

 
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Long, Strange Journey

Crappy Paint Cake

I made a cake for the occasion!

Welcome, Gentle Readers, to my 100th blog post! Anyone who has stuck with me from the beginning knows I love me some retrospect and reflection. What better time to think about the progression of my site than the 100th post?

This blog started out as a place to host my Thematic Experiment blog. Thematic Experiment was an idea cooked up with Tina to showcase my ability to write about anything repeatedly on a regular schedule to show potential employers.

It started on a normal free WordPress blog site until I was picked to contribute for the fantastic Urlybits.com (then dailyshite.com) and I decided I needed to have my own site too. I have been incredibly slack contributing to Urlybits but I owe so much to Sara and Paul O’Flaherty. I learned a lot from working with them and I got some great friends out of the deal.

Anyway, I bought the domain name for the site and set off on this odyssey. I found a few surprises a long the way. I realized I really enjoy building WordPress sites. I also realized that I do not know nearly enough about them. I still live in fear when I decide to make changes to my site. Second, I found that not only could I write on a schedule about a specific theme but I was actually pretty good at it. I am not going to pretend that all of my stuff was gold but I was expecting far worse. Third, and by far the biggest surprise, people read it.

I wrote six full-ish months off theme blogs until (through some prodding by Sara) I decided to go to my more personal blog. I think those six months were very important. I had to prove something to myself and I think I did. Something happened with April and beyond though and I actually started to put myself into my blogs.

In reality, I am a simple creature. I am a pain in the ass and I am crazy but my motivations are pretty simple. I like making people happy, I like praise and attention, and I like to think that I am special. (Tyler Durden be damned.) I think do varying degrees we are all motivated by these things. Some social pundits call blogging narcissism and look down on it as self aggrandizement. (I know I talk funny damnit. Stop making fun of me.) On the surface these people are right. It is narcissistic that I write thing about myself and those around me and expect people to care. I do get a feeling of gratification for the praise I get. It does make me feel good to think that what I write might matter to someone else. So, in some ways they are absolutely right, but in the important ways, they are very very wrong.

Most humans need connections to be whole. We need to feel like people care about us and to care about others. We need to know that there are other people who are like us or who have gone through the same things we have. Nothing is more terrifying and awful than to feel like you are the only one. (Go watch that Brene Brown video on TED.com if you haven’t. Just do it, okay and stop arguing, I am right about this.)

It is hard in a society of false faces to feel these connections. So much of our society is obsessed with appearances (I do not just mean purely looks) that we have become so disingenuous that it is hard to feel connected to people. Some people can not even truly connect to the people closest to us because we are so concerned with appearance and being correct that we just do not open up. We worry about privacy. We worry about what happens if people find out. We worry what people will think. We start to judge, and forget to try to understand, and it becomes so hard to allow ourselves to be truly open with anyone that it becomes almost a heroic feat to tell the truth about some human experiences. Screw that. I hate this silence and disconnect, it breeds shame and shame is generally the most useless and destructive emotion we humans have.

That is why we read and write blogs. We get to share. We get to talk about our kids, our food, our pets, or anything else that matters. We feel connected to people when we read people’s blogs about experiences like ours. It does not matter if it is unimportant or inconsequential, it is genuine sharing. We get to have those connections we need and we feel less alone.

The blog post Strong Woman changed everything for me. I had harbored so much pain, shame, and confusion deep inside myself that was eating at me. I wrote something of myself for the first time and put it out naked and raw.  I was terrified. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done. The response was overwhelming and life changing for me.

I like praise and I like being good at things but this went so much deeper than that. I realized how hungry we all are for honest, genuine human truth. I realized that I was not alone in all those emotions that went along with the abuse.  I realized I liked the honest me that I put into the rawness there and in posts after that. Also, I always knew that my friends are incredible and my friends who read this site are invaluable to me but after that, I realized that you guys are more amazing than I ever thought.

I started writing this blog in November for Tina. I kept writing in the beginning to prove to myself that I could. I found that now I write it because I believe in it. I don’t have delusions that my writing will ever bring change or effect the world. I write now because I hate our world of polite society and polite conversation. Now, I don’t think we should run through life telling everyone we meet every detail of everything that has ever happened to us. I just think it stupid that we are afraid to be open even when we should be. I think it is stupid that we have let ourselves be so isolated and shamed that we lock ourselves into boxes. I am done with it. Fear of being judged or ridiculed sucks. I do not think it is worth giving up the chance to truly connect with those around us though. I have been advised that it would be smart of me to unlist my blog or stop writing my blog because it could hurt my chances of finding a job. It is brilliant advice that would be smart for me to take. I am not known for doing things the easy way that makes sense.

I absolutely did not mean this blog to become a big ass rant about blogging and openness. Tangents happen. I do want to say one last thing though.

Thank you.

 
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So Much

I am writing a blog entry in my head that goes with “Strong Woman” but right now my brain is inundated with other crap to write it first. After I am done with this blog I will probably start writing it and try to get it right. There is just so much.

Most of life seems like this plodding succession of the sameness. I go through life making plans and trying to act on them while knowing life will change them for me. Not much of note happens while I am trying to go forth and save the world. Then, it is like the world explodes and many many things happen at once. It is so easy to get caught up in it and forget to stop and look at each little bit. I feel like I have to look at the “so much” because each thing is important in its own way and I have this crazy feeling that if I don’t pay attention I will miss something important.  The problem is it is hard to know how to tackle sorting “so much out.”

My heart is breaking for one of my Tina family. I want to hug her (not Tina) and make things better for her but I know I can’t.

Yesterday on my way to Wal-mart I suddenly filled with sadness and loneliness. Most of my life I never understood why people rushed from relationship to another. It always seemed silly and destructive. I get it now. I feel like part of me is missing and when I reach out to touch it and find nothing there it is almost unbearable. Stupid brain, stupid heart. I get better at being single again but it is going to really suck while I am relearning the skill. I do hate being the only single woman in Oklahoma over the age of 25. I bought Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers and I am working on an overdose. (Don’t judge me.)

Osama bin Laden is dead. All I can think still is “this is fucking huge.” I don’t feel elation. I just feel strange. I was in my second year of college when the twin towers fell. My entire adult life bin Laden has lurked in the background as some real-life boogeyman and now he is gone. I try to track the stories through time and honestly it doesn’t make it seem anymore real. I feel like we are on the precipice of something big as a country like when a big crowd has gathered and everyone is bracing themselves waiting to see if there will be a riot. I don’t know. So much could happen from this I just have to hope that this frenetic pace that the world has been moving at gives us a chance to stop and make wise decisions.  It is like watching dominoes fall but only being able to see two dominoes ahead. I fear the pattern that everything will make when all is said and done. It could just be the Twizzlers talking.

Then there is the storm. Those poor people. What else can you say other than I hope they don’t get forgotten amongst everything else.

In the end, there are still jobs to be found, white trash container gardens to be tended, houses to be cleaned, and blogs to be written.

 
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