This morning at about 2 am, I posted the last blog making fun of a reaction I had to something last night. I used a lot of hyperbole to highlight what I thought was so funny about it. My incredibly intelligent friend Amy (T) posted this comment in response:
“Every woman on earth knows the PMS Shame Spiral.”
I was going to call BS on this, but I do know PMS varies, and that there’s the more severe PMDD, so I looked it up: http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/premenstrual-syndrome.cfm
anywho, what I really want to call BS on (which you didn’t do or say, but many men do) and I take exception to is when others brush off your emotions because you’re “PMSing”. If I’ve been asking you for a month to do some agreed upon chore that’s your responsibility, and I finally get fed up with it when I’m about to start my period, it doesn’t change the fact that you should have done the fucking chore already! It makes me mad when men can say you’re just mad because of that, and try to get around the actual reason why you’re mad. Now, in your case, that’s not the situation, as Viking didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s completely understandable to be let down, sad, frustrated, angry, etc. for a canceled date. Anyone looking forward to something would be, regardless of period or gender status (especially the more effort one has put in to said event). Sorry Tina had to deal with your frustration, but you shouldn’t be down on yourself for having a reasonable emotion. (sorry about this comment being slightly off-topic, but that’s been boiling in me since one of your posts ages ago about PMSing and men calling the women out when they get emotional- which dodges the true reason why they’re upset).
I was typing up a response to her comment when I decided to continue the dialogue here since her comment was so good, and my response was massive. (Beware any further comments might be copied and posted because this is a topic that interests me.)
Here are two prevalent sides to the hormones and emotions conversation:
- All female reactions during her period are overreactions and, therefore, invalid.
- Hormones have no effect on a woman’s reactions.
Number one annoys the hell out of me, but number two is also false, at least in my case and of many women I have observed. I also think both stances can be harmful.
Normally, when I am overreacting to something because I am hormonal, I am reacting to something valid. The first side obliterates that and demeans my emotions. On the other hand, the extremity of the reaction is not the same as it would have been at another time.
I am naturally a passionate person. I willingly admit this. In fact, I think this is a great thing about myself. Like I said a few posts ago, I used to try really hard to stamp down any emotion I had, but now, I own that I have emotions, even ones that make my life more… interesting. Normally, though, my emotions do not result in fits. I am quickly able to assess and react to emotions, so I can pick a logical, rational way to handle them.
This ability to assess emotions is vital to handling my world. I am the only person who can control my reactions, and I am the only person responsible for my emotions. The people I let into my life are responsible for being considerate of my emotions and thinking of my feelings, but it is not their job to make me happy or any other emotion. When someone wrongs me and apologizes, they apologize for their behavior, not for my emotion. The overreaction I keep mentioning is when I get so caught up in my emotions that I skip the assessment step.
Saying my hormones have no bearing on my emotions keeps me from fully assessing my own emotions and taking proper responsibility for them.
No matter the age and gender, hormones affect us. The emotional response is there, just like the other symptom. I personally think the desire to deny the symptom is because the effect varies greatly and because we fear admitting any effect on behavior validates the highly dismissive attitude. It doesn’t.
I admit to my overreactions because I believe in taking responsibility for my own emotions. I think it is important to understand my reactions and figure out how to best understand them. I also feel like my willingness to admit when I am overreacting validates the times I do have extreme emotional responses. If I attempt not to be the little princess flying off the handle because the wrong person brought me my drink (I saw this happen) and take responsibility for my own emotions, when I can analyze my hurt or anger, and find it valid, I can stand by it.
2 comments
Your posts are so right on. And I love, love that you call for people to take responsibility for their actions, including yourself. That has been one of the biggest conflicts for me and the guys in past relationships. Yes, I may get so-called-crazy because of pms or stress but dammit, my feelings are still valid. Sometimes my feelings were interpreted as “crazy” even under completely “normal” circumstances just because the other party didn’t want to hear it. Gotta love that jump to accusatory labeling. In so many instances I just wanted them to validate my feelings, whether or not they agree with them. I always considered their feelings, whether or not I actually agreed with them (and I thought that as human beings they would want to validate my feelings, especially since they said they loved me). As a woman, I need to work on my own confidence to express my feelings. As a culture, I think we need to encourage people to feel safe enough to express their feelings without fear of repercussions.
This response wasn’t supposed to be about me but I prefer actual experiences to juicebags making generalities about all women:)
And if I go all history on the pms thing, I will probably explode…i.e. the origins of the word “hysterectomy”??
One more thing, a counselor I once had recommended the book, The Dance of Anger. It has some good analyses of why women’s anger and feelings are interpreted differently than men’s by our society.
first, I wish I hadn’t used “anywho”; how embarrassing! second, I do want to clarify it’s not that I don’t think hormones effect us (as humans, not just women). Obviously the massive hormonal changes that occur in adolescents effects our bodies, emotions, reactions, etc. And many who suffer moderate to severe depression from hormonal imbalances can find great help in pharmaceuticals that effect hormones. I can overreact and cry way easier pre-period than other times. What I don’t think is valid is using a straw man to blame the hormones, rather than the argument being made. I do appreciate your honesty and taking responsibility for your emotions, I’m not always so good at that.
this was a great line, and I completely agree: “I personally think the desire to deny the symptom is because the effect varies greatly and because we fear admitting any effect on behavior validates the highly dismissive attitude. It doesn’t.” (although, I will add, for those who suffer the severe PMDD, and have a hard time functioning should consider treatments, because reactions at that point may be more from hormones than from valid arguments, and until one tries to balance things out, they may not know the difference, but those are for specific situations).