And this too
I have this strange disconnect between different parts of my life right now. It is like moods swings but more involved.on steroids, involving whole chunks of my personality.
Parts of my life I love. The people in my life are wonderful. I’m in love with a wonderful man that most of my friends think is a figment of my imagination. (I might get Tina to sign an affidavit attesting to the fact she has met him.) I have incredible friends who have seen me through a whole lot. I am so thankful.
Sometimes I am so happy I think I will burst.
Sometimes I am so cranky I can barely stand to be in my own head.
Part of it is that asshole enough. He keeps rearing his ugly head. I’ve written about him before. I don’t feel smart enough, talented enough, dedicated enough, good enough… I just need to accept that I will have these struggles for the rest of my life. I can’t keep trying to do more or be more in hopes of being enough, because it will never happen.
Part of it is fear. I’m like everyone else on Earth. My heart is filled with fear. Some of it is tangible things like birds. Most of it is self- defeating crap. I fear never achieving anything. (Which is super awesome, considering my fear of never achieving anything paralyzes me sometimes, so I don’t do anything.) I look at everything I feel like I need to do or be better at and it crushes me. It turns into this cold sticky mix of fucked up overwhelmed and fear, and I can’t move. I can’t move right now. I want to call out for help, but it is only me who can unstick me. I am the only one who can start moving.
Something I’m working on is focusing on what I do right instead of what I do wrong; a switch in focus if you will.
It is a lot of bullshit to retrain your brain through.
So, I need to make plans and goals. I need to forgive myself when I don’t live up to my goals and plans. I need to remind myself that not achieving perfection isn’t failure, but stopping trying to move forward is.
I also need to accept that I will be slogging through this bullshit for the rest of my life. I could be upset about it, or I can try and learn coping skills.
Now the biggest question: how does one learn to be kind to oneself?
Oi Vey
1 comments
Living it. Being it. Doing it. The first part of my general exams is due next week, and my boss wants my first draft by Monday. But, since it feels so Big and Important in my head, I have yet to start on it yet. Le sigh. So, inevitably, as always, I will be freaking out, staying up all night tomorrow slogging through it, and somehow getting it done just in time (hopefully?). Because I’m just not smart enough and its so hard so I might as well put it off as long as possible! Dumb. 😛 Anyway, you’re not alone, my brain is such that these things cause a total shutdown and I can’t do anything but casually scroll through porn videos and watch Secret Life of the American Teenager even though I know it is slowly killing my brain with its stupidity. 😀