In Defense of Feminism

I’ve never hidden the fact I’m a feminist. Well, okay, it took me awhile to come into my own and accept it. I had spent most of my life eschewing the label. I think this is fairly common for women my age, because we got indoctrinated with this strange discomfort with the idea of being a feminist.

I don’t know where I learned it, but somehow I had picked up the idea that a feminist was something other than female. They were some angry, raging, screaming horde wanting to rip me away from my eyeshadow and hair dye and make me hate men. All of which was very odd considering I never considered myself particularly feminine. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I spent much of my teens and early twenties looking down at things I considered “too feminine.” I actually would sneer with derision at the idea of high heels and lip gloss. Somehow those pathetic creatures who cared about fashion and beauty were contemptible or weak. So, I was left not wanting to be a manly feminist but judging femininity.

It is not that unusual.

Now I know it wasn’t lip gloss I hated but gender training. I hated the idea women were supposed to be weak, and anything too feminine was ultimately inferior. I hated who I thought the world wanted me to be. I didn’t understand that, so I hated the idea of women. It is a strange, messed up, self-loathing Stockholm syndrome.

As I got older, I began to understand. I got wise enough to look at the society sending me the messages instead of the messages themselves. Now, I know I hate gender training.

I’m going to piss off some of my fellow feminists here, but I believe women are different than men. Penises and vaginas mean more than just one of us can pee standing up without the very real possibility of gross wet socks. I think denying those differences is as dangerous as pretending there isn’t gender training. Instead of fighting the existence of the differences, we need to fight perception of those differences.

We need to stop this bullshit belief that anything inherently female is weak or wrong.

If you don’t believe these beliefs exist, just think for a second about the words for weakness men hurl at each. A lot of them are references to female genitalia, feminist characteristics, or things indicating being penetrated during sex. (Your being such a woman. Stop being a pussy. Are you just going to take it up the ass?)

That is gender training. It affects us in insidious ways. It hurts us all.

Men are just as hurt by gender training as we are. Yes, they benefit from the patriarchy, no one denies that, but they are rigidly cast into roles, just like us. If you doubt me, listen to men talk about their “man card.”

So here is my defense of feminism: I don’t want to take away your eyeshadow. I don’t want you to feel bad for being a stay at home mom. I don’t want you to feel bad for being a working mom. I don’t want to make you feel bad for have a plethora of sexual partners or having very few. I certainly don’t want you to hate men. Wax, shave, powder, dye, dress up anything that makes you feel happy. What I want, as a feminist, is to build a society where both genders can make choices for themselves without pressure from society.

I want you to be you without feeling it is wrong because of some bullshit standard you didn’t make.

I want you to be happy.