Threads

We’ve had several rough days. Yesterday was personally the suck.

My positivity is my defense mechanism. When things are scary or uncertain, I try to find the best of every situation. I acknowledge the ways things can go horribly wrong, but I focus on doing everything I can to make sure things go well. My favorite saying is “don’t go borrowing trouble.” I have to do this at times in my life, otherwise the pain, fear, and darkness will swallow me, and I don’t find that acceptable.

We had several rough days after two weeks of rough days. Things are getting better now. I knew they would.

A completely unrelated but awesome photo Tina took

I’ve had a headache pretty steady since the middle of May. It’s allergies and sinuses. Most of the time I can live with it. Yesterday, I woke up to the worst nosebleed I’ve ever had. I got light headed and dizzy and had to sit with my head hanging out my bathtub. I finally got it stopped, took some medicine, ate some crackers to keep from vomiting, and went to back to sleep. I was barely asleep an hour later when I rolled over in bed and the damn thing started gushing again. I took care of it again. I felt like hell. My stomach hurt. My head hurts. I was tired. I just felt weak and exhausted. Then my mom came in and talked to me about her emotional stuff.

I realized part of me is jealous. I have been fighting so hard to stay positive and keep things together. Sometimes, since we’ve gotten home, I feel like I’ve been completely alone. I have to stay positive or I will get paralyzed and all these threads I’m trying to keep together will unravel. Its a lot of pressure. If my writing hadn’t been going so well, I don’t know if I could have handled it.

So, yesterday, I end up at the Wal-Mart (of course) feeling completely fucking terrible, worried my stomach will explode at any moment because it’s mad about all of the blood, because we are in desperate need of graham crackers, cheap hot dogs for the dogs, and Little Debbies. I know people “cowboy up” all the time. I know I’m not special. I was loading my groceries in the car telling myself how big of a pansy ass I was being. People go through far more without feeling so sorry for themselves. I just wanted one person to care that I was miserable. I felt like a terrible weak human being for wanting that.

Now, a day later I realize it is a natural human thing. Somehow, when someone else acknowledges our struggle, it makes the struggle more manageable. I’ve decided to not feel like a wuss for feeling something so human.

Anyway, I got home and went through the motions through the rest of the night. I tried to write but I was too distracted. I start having a full blown pity party for myself. It was a pretty awesome pity party with balloons and everything. As said party was wrapping up, I moved my foot across my hardwood floor to move my chair back and get a massive splinter in my foot.

I spent an hour trying to work the damn thing out of my foot. It was about a half an inch long and wedged through some of the toughest skin in my foot. Anyway, I got it out, bandaged my foot, and cleaned up the blood trail I had left through my house, for the third time in one day. For some reason, the ridiculousness of it all made me laugh. Some days are so bad you just have to laugh at them. Yesterday was one of those days.

Today, I have a headache and my foot hurts like a mother. I’m tired. I also have a much better grasp of those threads I was holding on to. Sometimes, I think, you just need to get right to the edge of completely losing it and then laugh at it. It makes everything else so much more manageable.