Hope

Tina made this picture awhile ago. This is how I feel today

Today was a good day.

Today was a really good day.

I have been feeling really lost. I’ve felt like I was drowning. Worst of all, I’ve felt like I had no control over my life.

Today, I feel like I took it back. When I lost it and Tina did her amazing Tina ‘kick me in the butt with love’ thing, I started slowly pushing forward. Today things started clicking and moving. I have hope. I feel like I have some motion and action.

Two almost complete strangers stuck their necks out for me for no reason other than I needed their help. I’ve been told I have an unrealistically positive view of the world. My world is full of kindness. I’m surrounded by kind, loving people, and people in general are kind to me. Of course I have a positive view in the world.

I strive to be kind because kindness is the most positive force in my life. I’ve seen the destructive powers of unkindness, but I’ve felt the power of all kindnesses, small and large, on my life. More than my intelligence, humor, or weirdness, I can make the world better through kindness.

Anyway, I’m hoping to join the YMCA here in town. They have a broke ass fat girl rate. It’s going to cost $46 dollars to sign up and $18.60 a month to join. My parents agreed to front it for me.

I feel like with the therapy and the other help I’m getting, I can make these changes and get control over my life again. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be healthy, mentally and physically. I want my zeal back. Today, I feel like it is possible.

I know it will be a lot of work. I know I’ll mess up. I can do it. For the first time in awhile, I feel like I’m actually moving forward and not just desperately clawing around look for a hold on my life.

There will be good days, and there will be bad days. I’m okay with that as long as I’m going forward. It’s time.